


You Will Fly Again

by castielofasgard



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Coping with trauma, Hurt/Comfort, I am so sorry, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Mild Smut, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Sad Pining, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Torture, don't worry there is some fluff it's not all pain, hey its star wars somebodys gotta lose an arm, nobody asked for this pain but here it is anyway, so there will be spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-14 10:15:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 45,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5739823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielofasgard/pseuds/castielofasgard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Poe’s heart skipped a beat and he leapt into action. He had no plan, absolutely no idea how he was supposed to stop Finn from being killed without getting skewered himself, but... well, he’d been lucky loads of times. Hopefully that luck would hold out.<br/>It felt like slow-motion, as Ren got within striking distance and drew back his arm for the swing. Poe put on a burst of speed and did the only thing that made sense in that moment."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Distress Call

**Author's Note:**

> i told myself i wouldn't start publishing this fic until i finish my current hawksilver wip, but i get too excited to share so i'm gonna be trying to do a switch off: one chapter of this, then one chapter of the other, and so on. hopefully that will motivate me to keep my nose to the grindstone on both of them.
> 
> anyway, hope you enjoy this lovely bucket of angst i'm about to dump on you :)

This forest was probably about the third worst place in the galaxy to try and land his X-Wing, but Poe really didn’t have much choice. The battle in the air was all but finished anyway, there was a wire loose that BB-8 couldn’t possibly fix while they were still flying, and most of all, Finn had just sent up a frantic distress call saying they needed help on the ground. Anyone could have gone in, but Poe had volunteered immediately. If Finn was in trouble, Poe was likely to be too worried to be much good anywhere but at his side. And he needed to land anyway which, if anyone asked, would be his reason for why he had piped up a little too quickly when Finn called for backup. Nobody needed to know that it was because losing Finn would break his heart.

Poe wasn’t called the best pilot in the Resistance for nothing, and with a bit of maneuvering, he was able to land his ship, loose wire and all. He unbuckled his restraints, took off his helmet, and grabbed a blaster from next to his seat.

“Alright, BB-8, you work on that loose wire,” he said. “I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

_Be careful_ , BB-8 bleeped.

“I’ll try.”

Poe popped open the windshield and climbed out of the cockpit, jumping gracefully down to the soft forest floor. It was dark except the pale moonlight streaming down between the branches. Tightening his grip on his blaster, Poe started to weave between the trees, searching for any sign of a fight.

His X-Wing had vanished in the darkness behind him when Poe suddenly heard it. The distinctive buzzing of a lightsaber. He followed the sound until he saw two flashing lights up ahead, one red and one blue. There were a few stormtroopers and Resistance fighters scattered around, but Rey and Kylo Ren were at the center of the fight. Hurrying toward the battle, Poe scanned the trees for Finn with no success. 

He was nearly there when a sudden blast threw him and everyone in the area to the ground. He had no idea where the blast had come from but his best guess was Ren; only someone powerful with the Force could have done that, and it just didn’t seem like Rey’s style. Poe scrambled to his feet and looked around, trying to reorient himself. Several people were still on the ground, including Rey. And there was Finn at last, kneeling by her side, frantically trying to bring her back to consciousness, unaware of Kylo Ren approaching from behind with his lightsaber raised.

Poe’s heart skipped a beat and he leapt into action. He had no plan, absolutely no idea how he was supposed to stop Finn from being killed without getting skewered himself, but... well, he’d been lucky loads of times. Hopefully that luck would hold out. 

It felt like slow-motion, as Ren got within striking distance and drew back his arm for the swing. Poe put on a burst of speed and did the only thing that made sense in that moment. He forgot the blaster in his hand and the fact that he could probably just tackle Ren and be done with it. Instead, recklessly and maybe a bit stupidly, he threw himself between Finn and the lightsaber. The crackling red blade swung down, slicing through his left arm just below the elbow. 

Poe screamed in pain and fell to his knees, clutching his bleeding arm. The pain and shock made his head spin and he was hardly aware of his surroundings until a pair of warm hands suddenly grabbed his face and forced him to look up from his severed hand, just lying on the ground, still clutching his blaster. 

“Poe!” Finn said urgently. “Poe, look at me. Focus, come on.”

“Finn,” Poe groaned.

“Come on, buddy, we gotta get you out of here,” said Finn.

“But Rey...”

“She’s got this under control,” said Finn.

He put his arms around Poe and dragged him to his feet. Poe leaned against Finn, alreadydizzy from blood loss, and let himself be led through the forest.

“Go right,” Poe said, agony slurring his words. “My ship....”

Finn followed Poe’s instruction, gently but forcefully leading him. The farther they went, the fainter Poe felt, and by the time his X-Wing loomed out of the darkness ahead, Finn was all but carrying him.

“Ladder...” Poe said.

“Where?” 

“BB-8...”

“Right,” said Finn. “BB-8, lower the ladder! Now!”

The responding beeps sounded distant, but a second later, the ladder came down and Finn led him over.

“You go first. I’ll be right behind you,” he said.

Poe was hesitant to leave the steady support of Finn’s arms, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to keep himself conscious – it was now or never. He staggered up to the ladder and slowly began to climb. His hand was slick with blood and the exertion was draining the little strength he had, but finally he made it to the top. Finn helped him into the cockpit, settling himself in the seat with Poe on the floor between his legs, leaning back against him. Poe rested his head on Finn’s chest and closed his eyes tight, barely bolding back a moan of agony.

“Okay, it’s okay, I’ve got you, buddy,” Finn said, as though sensing Poe’s latest rush of pain. “Dammit, how do you start this thing?”

Poe opened his eyes a fraction and reached out, flicking all the switches needed to put them in flight mode. The windshield lowered, the engines started, and the dashboard lights flickered into life. 

“Okay...” said Finn. “BB-8, can you set a flight back to base on auto-pilot? Nobody’s getting back alive if _I_ try and fly.”

_What’s wrong with Poe?_ BB-8 beeped anxiously. _Is he okay? What happened?_

“He’ll be okay,” Finn replied, reading off the translator screen. “We just need to get him back to base.”

There was a few moments’ pause, then the ship started to lift off from the ground.

“Thanks, BB,” said Finn. 

“Finn...” Poe mumbled.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay,” said Finn, and suddenly Poe heard a tremor in his voice. “I’m here, I’ve got you.”

“Finn... what’m I gonna do...” said Poe weakly.

He was barely conscious now, curled up against Finn’s chest, covering them both in blood.

“Don’t worry about that right now,” said Finn. “We’ve just gotta get you home. I’m gonna take care of you, okay, and you’re gonna be fine. Just hang in there, Poe. Just hang on.”

Poe closed his eyes, letting Finn’s quavering but comforting voice wash over him as he slowly drifted off...

 


	2. Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said i wouldn't update this 'til i updated my other wip, but i'm a bloody liar

“Come on, buddy, stay awake for me,” Finn said, giving Poe a little shake.

Poe’s response was nothing but a half-hearted whimper, hardly audible over the ship’s engine. 

“Dammit... BB-8, can we get to base any faster?”

_This is as fast as we can go on auto-pilot_.

“Well, I sure as hell ain’t gonna try flying an X-Wing for the first time right now... just get us home, BB.”

Finn sighed heavily and wrapped his arms around Poe, hesitating a moment before pressing a gentle kiss onto his clammy forehead. 

“You’re gonna be okay. You’ve gotta be okay,” he whispered.

 

As they finally reached the Resistance base and flew down to their landing pad, General Organa’s voice crackled through the comm speakers.

“Commander Dameron, are the rest of the ground party close behind?” she asked.

“This is Finn, General. And they should be.”

“Finn? Where’s Dameron?” 

“He’s here, but he’s hurt. We had to book it outta there pretty fast,” said Finn. “Rey should be coming soon with the rest of the group.”

“Get Dameron to medical, then report to me as soon as you can,” said Leia.

“Yes, ma’am.”

The ship touched down and Finn quickly flicked all the switches Poe had turned on before. He started to get up, trying to lift Poe with him, but Poe was completely unconscious now and Finn could barely lift him. Down on the tarmac, he saw a group of medics rushing toward the ship with a stretcher, no doubt sent by the General. 

“I need some help getting him down,” Finn called to them, barely keeping his panic contained. “He’s unconscious, lost a lot of blood.”

“What happened?” one of the medics said as she pulled over a ladder and climbed up.

“H-he... he lost his hand,” said Finn.

This was the first he’d actually faced the reality of what had happened. He hadn’t even really thought about it, what it meant... he’d just been focused on Poe, on getting him home. Saying it out loud... it all started to sink in.

The medics helped Finn get Poe out of the cockpit and onto the stretcher. Finn followed them inside to the medcenter, but they wouldn’t let him any farther until Poe was stabilized. Finn stood outside the operating room, watching grimly as the doctors swarmed around Poe. As he watched through the window, he caught sight of his reflection in the glass, sweaty-faced and covered in Poe’s blood. He swallowed hard and took a deep, shaky breath. Time to face the General.

 

Finn found General Organa in the control room, frowning at the screens. When she heard Finn approach, she looked up, her expectant look falling to one of concern at the sight of him.

“Are you alright?” she asked.

“Yeah,” said Finn quietly. “None of this is mine.”

“You mentioned that Commander Dameron was hurt, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. What happened?”

“Kylo Ren. He... he showed up at the fight... I called for backup and Poe – I mean, Commander Dameron – came and... Rey was down, I was trying to help her, I didn’t see Ren coming... Poe saved our lives...”

“How bad is it?” General Organa asked grimly.

“He lost his hand,” said Finn. “Ren cut it off...”

He was beginning to realize just how many times he’d have to tell this story and wished he could just tell everyone at once and get it over with. 

“Thank you for telling me this, Finn,” said General Organa. “Go ahead and return to the medcenter. You should be with him. I know how close you two are. Rey can brief me on the ground mission when she gets back.”

“Thank you, General,” said Finn gratefully. 

He turned and left the control room, all but running back to the infirmary. There was a doctor posted outside the operating room door, being beeped at frantically by BB-8.

“Can I go in and see him?” Finn asked.

“Not yet, I’m sorry,” said the doctor. “We’ll let you know as soon as you can.”

Finn sighed and sat down wearily on a bench across from the door. BB-8 rolled over and nudged at his shin with a series of sad beeps.

“He’ll be okay. He’s tough,” Finn said, trying to reassure himself as much as the droid.

He sat in silence, BB-8 at his feet, for what felt like an eternity. Suddenly, he heard soft footsteps approach, stopping in front of him.

“Finn?”

He looked up. Rey stood over him, unharmed except for a cut on her temple, staring at him worriedly.

“Rey! You’re safe,” said Finn, standing up to hug her in relief. “The general wanted you to brief her...”

“Already did,” said Rey. She pulled out of the hug and looked him over, blanching at the sight of his bloodstained shirt. “Is all that blood Poe’s?”

“Yeah,” said Finn. 

His voice cracked on the single syllable and he sunk back down onto the bench. Rey sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“How is he?” she asked.

“I don’t know. They haven’t let me in... he was unconscious by the time we landed... but he should be fine, right? People survive this kind of thing all the time. Right?”

“Yeah,” said Rey. “Master Luke did. Poe may not be a Jedi, but he’s as tough as one. He’ll pull through.”

Just then, the infirmary door opened and one of the doctor’s poked her head out.

“You can come see him,” she said. “He’s asking for you, Finn.”

“He’s awake?” said Finn.

“Barely. He’s on a lot of medication for the pain.”

“I’ll wait out here,” said Rey. 

“Are you sure?” Finn said.

“He’s asking for you.”

Finn nodded and got to his feet, then followed the doctor inside. Poe was lying in bed, propped up on a small stack of pillows, looking heartbreakingly pale and tired. Finn’s eyes wandered down to the bandaged stump of his left arm and he had to fight back the urge to cry. He took a deep breath and went over to Poe’s bedside, pulling up a chair to sit down.

“Hey, buddy,” he said quietly. “How’re you feeling?”

“Awful, to be honest,” said Poe.

“I guess that was kind of a stupid question...”

“Naw....” Dammit, Poe was trying to be his usual devil-may-care self. “Did Rey and the others get back okay?”

“Yeah, they’re safe,” said Finn. 

“Good.”

There was a moment of silence between them. Finn stared sadly at Poe, watching as he looked down at the place where his left hand should have been, and was startled to find tears in his friend’s eyes.

“What am I gonna do, Finn?” Poe asked suddenly.

There it was again, that question he had asked in the cockpit of the X-Wing while barely conscious. Finn didn’t know how to answer it.

“Well, for now you’re gonna get your strength back,” said Finn. 

“But what about after that? Fat lot of good a one-handed pilot’s gonna be,” said Poe, and Finn was surprised to hear a hint of bitterness in his voice.

“You know they can give you a prosthetic once it’s healed enough, right? It’ll work just like a normal hand.”

“I know... I just... I don’t know...”

“You’re gonna be fine, Poe, I promise,” said Finn. “It’ll take a little while for you to recover, but you’ll be flying again before you know it.”

Poe nodded, but the look on his face was far from convinced. Finn sighed, his heart breaking. He wanted nothing more than to help Poe get through this, but he didn’t know how. And right now, the trauma was just too close for comfort.


	3. You'll Get Used To It

Poe was in the hospital about a week. Finn visited him every day for as long as he was allowed, sometimes bringing along Rey when she wasn’t too busy with training. Poe was grateful for the company – it saved him from being stuck alone with his thoughts, which were mostly self-pitying and despondent and definitely not the kind of stuff he wanted to dwell on. 

By the end of the week, the doctors proclaimed him well enough to be fitted for a prosthetic (or as Rey liked to call it, his robot hand). Glad as he was that he wouldn’t be one-handed forever, Poe was still rather apprehensive about the whole thing. He was sure it would just feel too strange and foreign to have this metal thing stuck on the end of his arm, no matter how much everyone assured him he’d get used to it. It had been a week already since he had lost his hand and he still kept forgetting that it wasn’t there, could almost feel his hand lying on the bedsheets, or at least a shadow of it.

His anxiety over it certainly wasn’t relieved once the prosthetic was attached. At least now he didn’t have to look down at his hand and see an empty space, but looking down and seeing this almost skeletal metal thing wasn’t much better. It wasn’t any heavier than a flesh-and-blood hand, but the weight of it felt different all the same. And besides that, it just wasn’t... human. It wasn’t part of him, it was just this contraption stuck to his body, replacing what should have been there, what he’d taken for granted, expecting it to always be there. It felt just as strange and foreign as he had worried it would.

That evening, Finn and Rey came to visit him. It was his last night in the infirmary, just a standard precaution to make sure his brain and the prosthetic were interacting correctly and that there were no malfunctions. Poe was quiet, staring at the new hand where it lay in his lap, flexing the fingers experimentally.

“I think it looks badass,” said Finn, trying to cheer him up.

“I guess...” Poe said glumly.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Finn and Rey exchange a look.

“It might take a little while, but you’ll get used to it,” said Rey.

“I suppose...”

Poe knew he was probably frustrating them with his stubborn moroseness, but he couldn’t help it. It wasn’t that he regretted leaping in there to save Finn, it was just... he wished it had happened differently. Even if it meant being dead.

“We should probably let you get some rest,” Finn said at last. “You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

“Oh boy, facing the rest of the world...” Poe said with mock-enthusiasm.

There was a tense, uncomfortable silence. Finn and Rey stared, glancing nervously at each other, obviously not sure what to do with this gloomy and bitter version of him. Poe finally tore his eyes away from the metal hand to look at them, feeling guilty.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed. “I just... this is hard for me. I don’t know how to deal with any of it, so... I dunno, I guess it’s bringing out the worst in me...”

Rey stood up and ran a hand through his hair, then leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“It’s okay, Poe,” she said. “Nobody expects you to be perfectly fine. It’s a lot to take in, but I have faith in you. Finn and I both do. And we’ll help you whenever you need it.”

“Thanks Rey,” Poe said softly. 

“Get some rest.”

Rey turned and went to the door, pausing on the threshold to wait for Finn.

“Rey’s right,” Finn said. “You’re allowed to have a tough time with this. Hell, I’d be more surprised if you weren’t. But we’re here for you. Always.”

He stood up and placed his hand on Poe’s shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze, then followed Rey out of the room.

The quiet they left behind was deafening and fell upon Poe like a shroud. He felt somehow both hollow and bursting at the seams, like there was a heavy weight on his chest making it hard to breathe. He looked back down at the metal hand and slowly curled the fingers into a fist. It took more concentration than it should have, but the doctors said moving it would become more automatic with time. Poe didn’t want time. He didn’t want to get used to this. He wanted his life back the way it had been a week ago. He wanted to be whole again.

His throat was tight from forcing back tears and he suddenly realized he’d been holding his breath. He exhaled sharply and let the metal hand relax, then rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes.

 

***

 

Poe was let out of the infirmary the next morning. He went to his barracks to change clothes, then went to the mess to meet Finn and Rey for breakfast. When he entered the room, he saw them already sitting at their usual table, his seat empty and waiting for him. A tiny hint of a smile twitched at the corner of his mouth and he quickly got his food and went over to join them. They both looked up as he sat down, smiling warmly as if his outburst of bitterness last night had never happened.

“Good morning, buddy,” said Finn brightly, his infectious smile make Poe feel just a little bit better. “How’d you sleep?”

Poe shrugged.

“Not bad. It’ll be nice to be in my own bed tonight, though.”

He went to pick up his fork with his left hand, but he hadn’t quite gotten used to grabbing things with it yet and the fork slipped through his fingers, bouncing off the table and plummeting to the floor. Rey reached out and caught it before it landed, her reflexes impressively sharp from all her training, and held it out to him.

“Thanks,” Poe said.

He reached out with his left hand to take it from her, then froze and switched to his right. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Rey said.

But Poe _was_ worried about it. How could he not be? He couldn’t even hold a fucking fork, what good was he gonna do the Resistance? Everyone could lecture him about getting used to it and relearning how to use this new hand, but it didn’t do him any good. He just felt useless, and that wasn’t a feeling he was accustomed to. 

His attempted good mood spoiled, he picked at his breakfast, barely eating despite how hungry he had been. He could feel Finn and Rey watching him, and even though he didn’t sneak a glance at them, he knew exactly the worried expressions they were wearing. He’d seen those looks plenty over the last week.

 

After breakfast, Poe went back to his room and dug through his wardrobe, eventually pulling out a huge sweater his grandfather had knitted him as a teenager, apparently assuming Poe would grow a lot taller than he did. He never wore this sweater, mostly because it was so big and the sleeves covered his hands, but now... that was exactly what he wanted. He didn’t want to have to see that metal hand out of the corner of his eye every time he moved his arm. He wanted to cover it up, hide it in the sleeves of this worn out old sweater so he would never have to see it again.

He stripped off his jacket and shirt and pulled the sweater down over his head. It was even baggier than he remembered, he was practically swimming in wool. But the metal hand was hidden now, so he didn’t care. Then he went and sat on his bed, curling his knees up to his chest. He just sat there, staring ahead at nothing, a thousand thoughts scrambling for attention in his brain but he couldn’t focus on any of them.

Suddenly there was a soft knock at the door. Poe jumped slightly, startled, and looked up.

“Come in,” he called.

He immediately regretted it; he didn’t want to see anyone right now. But then the door opened and the sight of the woman standing on the threshold changed his mind.

“Mom?” he said in disbelief.

“Leia sent me a message telling me what happened,” his mother said, crossing the room. “I came as soon as I could.”

She sat down next to him on the little bed and Poe curled up against her shoulder, letting her wrap him in her arms like he was a child again.

“Thank you,” he murmured.

His bottom lip trembled and finally the tears that had been threatening to overwhelm him for days spilled out. He buried his face in her shoulder, muffling a pitiful sob. His mother held him tighter and stroked his hair.

“Oh my darling,” she whispered, and Poe could hear the tears in her voice no matter how hard she tried to keep it soft and soothing. “My dear brave boy.”

 

***

 

Several hours later, Poe sat outside on the hill above the base, watching the night fall. His mother was inside talking with General Organa, no doubt about him. He had needed some fresh air, to see the sky after being cooped up in the infirmary for so long. It was a cool evening, but he was still wearing the oversized sweater, so his face was the only part of him exposed to the chilling breeze.

A figure walked up the hillside and it was only when he reached the crest of the hill that Poe realized it was Finn.

“Hey.”

Poe just nodded in response, certain his voice would crack if he tried to speak. Finn came and sat beside him, very deliberately choosing Poe’s left side.

“I heard your mother came,” Finn said.

“Yeah, the general told her about... my injury...” Poe replied.

Finn nodded and they fell silent for a moment, just watching the sky.

“I’m not gonna try and tell you all of this is gonna be okay,” said Finn quietly. “It’s pretty clear that’s not working.”

“So what, you’re gonna tell me everything’s gonna be shitty?” Poe said bitterly. He paused a moment and sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s okay. I know,” said Finn. “This isn’t gonna be easy, Poe. You’ve got to do it on your own time.”

“But I don’t want... I just...” Poe bit his lip, struggling a moment. “I wish I could be useful again. I wish I could even hold a damn fork. I wish I didn’t have this _thing_ on my body that doesn’t belong there. That I could look down at my hands and not hate what I see. I just want to be whole again.”

“But you _are_ whole,” said Finn. “You lost your hand, but that wasn’t where Poe Dameron was kept. You’re still here.”

“Not all of me.”

“It could’ve been a lot worse.”

“I almost wish it had been.”

“....You don’t mean that.”

Poe sighed heavily.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s not that I wish I had died, it’s just... I feel so useless like this.”

“You know, if there’s anything I’ve learned since leaving the First Order,” Finn said. “It’s that your usefulness doesn’t define your worth.”

“But the Resistance...”

“They can keep fighting without you for a little while,” said Finn. “And you can go back to it when you’re ready.”

“But how am I supposed to fly?” Poe asked.

“You’re the best pilot in the damn galaxy, that’s how.”

“But what if I’m never ready?”

“Then that’s okay too.”

Finn reached out and lifted Poe’s left hand from his lap. He tugged back the sleeve, uncovering the metal hand, then clasped it gently in his right hand. Poe stared down at their interlaced fingers, then looked up at Finn, who was gazing at the sky, the stars reflecting in his big dark eyes. He looked so beautiful like this, flecks of light dancing in his eyes and a quiet smile on his lips, just the sight of him was enough to make Poe’s heart break. He wanted to cry again or to reach out and kiss him, but he couldn’t let himself do either. So he turned his gaze up to the sky and joined him in watching the stars.


	4. Drunk

“Poe’s not doing well,” Finn said, sitting down next to Rey.

She was in the middle of a training session with Luke and was taking a break to sit down and get some water. Finn had come to find her, watching the last few minutes of her exercises before announcing his reason for being there without so much as a “hello”.

“Oh really, I hadn’t noticed,” said Rey sarcastically.

“I was talking to him last night...” Finn said. “He’s usually so good at bouncing back but this... it’s too much for him, I guess.”

“He _did_ just lose a hand, Finn, it’s gonna take more than a week to recover from that.”

“I know... it’s just... he’s not himself. At all. I’m worried for him. Like, really really worried.”

“What did he say to you last night?” Rey asked, frowning.

“I was trying to comfort him by saying it could have been worse and he said he kinda wished it had been,” said Finn. 

“You don’t mean...?”

“No, he doesn’t wish he was dead. Or at least, that’s what he told me,” Finn said, answering her unvoiced question. “I don’t know what he wishes had happened instead of this. But... well, what he said scared me.”

“Understandably,” said Rey. “Have you talked to him since last night?”

“No, I haven’t seen him since this morning...”

“Try talking to him again,” Rey suggested. “He was in a bad place yesterday, maybe he’ll be feeling better today.”

Finn chuckled humorlessly.

“Yeah, if his mood at breakfast is anything to go by, then I doubt it.”

Rey took his hand and gave it a squeeze. 

“I’ve got to get back,” she said. “Go talk to Poe, I mean it.”

“Okay. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

Finn got up and left Rey to go back to her training. He went back inside and headed to Poe’s barracks. It was the only place he could think of that Poe might be, so it made the most sense to check there first. When he reached the door, he hesitated a moment, frightened of whatever level of misery he might find inside. Then he took a deep breath and knocked.

“Come in,” Poe’s voice called.

Finn opened the door and stepped into the room. Poe was sitting on his bed, still wearing that huge sweater, a nearly empty bottle in his hand. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were glassy and unfocused – he was very obviously drunk.

“Hi Finn,” he said gloomily.

Finn stared at him a moment before answering.

“What are you doing?”

Poe just shrugged.

“It’s the middle of the day,” Finn said.

“So?”

“Does your mother know you’re day-drinking?”

“I’m a grown man, Finn.”

“Where is she anyway?”

Poe shrugged again and Finn held back an exasperated sigh.

“Why are you getting drunk?” he asked.

“Nothing else to do,” said Poe.

“There’s plenty of other things you can do,” said Finn.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know... things....”

Poe scowled and took another long drink from the bottle, then wiped his eyes on his sleeve. Finn’s heart sank. He hadn’t realized Poe was crying. Pity flooded out his surprise and exasperation, and he crossed the room to join Poe on the bed. 

“Poe... please tell me what’s wrong,” he said, his tone infinitely more gentle than it had been since he’d entered the room.

“This,” Poe replied bitterly, holding up his metal hand.

“What else?”

Poe’s bottom lip trembled and Finn wanted nothing more than to still it with a kiss.

“I dunno,” Poe whispered. “I don’t know, Finn. I... I just....”

A choked sob escaped him and a couple more tears tumbled down his cheeks. Finn took the bottle from him and set it on the floor, then wrapped his arms around him. Poe collapsed into Finn’s chest, his entire body trembling, his face buried in the soft fabric of Finn’s shirt. They stayed like that for a long time, Finn holding Poe close and rubbing his back, neither saying a word. 

When Poe finally managed to calm down, he sat up and dried his face on his sleeves, then looked up at Finn. Their faces were unbelievably close, and even with his eyes red from crying, the lashes stuck together with lingering tears, and the tinge of alcohol on his breath, Finn was struck by how beautiful Poe was. Tragically so, he thought; though it broke his heart to look at, the crease between his eyebrows and the distant yet painfully present sadness in Poe’s eyes were just as beautiful as his smiles.

Lost in admiration, Finn lost track of how long they just sat there staring at each other. But then Poe reached out with his right hand and placed it gently on Finn’s cheek, his thumb brushing across the cheekbone. Finn’s heart raced. They were so close, the air positively vibrating with tension, and there was a frantic monologue playing on double-time in his mind.

_What’s he going to do? Is this really happening?_

Poe leaned in closer, barely a fraction of an inch. Then everything came to a standstill. No. Finn couldn’t do this, not now, not today. Not when Poe was drunk and hurting and desperate for something, anything, to console him. He couldn’t let himself fall into this tempting trap where, more likely than not, he’d become like alcohol, there to numb and distract. He knew Poe would never mean for that to happen, but right now... Poe just wasn’t himself. As much as Finn wanted Poe, he couldn’t let them risk ruining everything because of it. 

He reached up and slowly lowered Poe’s hand from his face, clasping it between both his hands. Something like disappointment flickered in Poe’s eyes before his gaze fell to their hands, locked together in Finn’s lap.

“Have you had any water lately?” Finn asked quietly.

Poe shook his head.

“Okay. How ‘bout I get you some.”

Finn stood up, letting Poe’s hand trail loosely from his own. He picked up the bottle from the floor and went into the washroom. There was hardly anything left in the bottle, so he poured the rest down the drain, then filled a cup with water. He went back into the bedroom, sat on the bed, and handed the glass to Poe.

“Thanks...”

“No problem,” said Finn.

He watched as Poe took a long drink of water, then set the glass on the nightstand for him.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” he asked. “Food or something?”

“Just stay with me. Please,” said Poe. He sounded so tired and meek, it was almost terrifying. “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course,” said Finn, scooting closer to put his arm around Poe and let him rest his head on his shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere.”


	5. Baby Steps

Poe wasn’t even aware he’d fallen asleep until he woke up the next morning, his head throbbing. He felt strangely warm and it wasn’t until he tried to roll over that he realized Finn was still there, fast asleep behind him with his arm draped over Poe’s waist. Poe froze, staring at Finn in surprise. He had stayed. Not just for a while, but for the whole night. Deliberately, it seemed, judging by the blanket wrapped around them both. Poe’s heart was hammering so hard he was sure it would wake Finn up. Finn had _stayed_ , slept in his bed, held him close. 

Very carefully, Poe rolled onto his back, his gaze fixed on Finn. He would have been content to just lie there and watch Finn sleep for a little while, but his movement had broken the spell. Finn opened his eyes and yawned.

“Hello,” he mumbled, a sleepy half-smile on his face.

“You stayed,” said Poe.

“You asked me to.”

Poe opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. He stared at Finn for a few breathless seconds, then smiled. His first genuine smile since losing his hand.

“Thank you,” he whispered at last.

Finn smiled back and sat up. Poe stayed on his back, staring up at him like he was a full moon on a clear night, wishing he could pull him back down and stay wrapped in this bed with him forever.

“Did you sleep alright?” Finn asked.

“Yeah. You?”

“Best sleep I’ve ever had, honestly.”

Poe’s heart swelled in his chest.

“Really?” 

“Yeah.”

“You know...” Poe said tentatively. “You could always stay here again tonight.”

Poe thought Finn’s smile got a little sad at that.

“I dunno...” he said. “I mean... are you sure?”

“Absolutely,” said Poe. “I slept better too.”

Finn paused a moment, smiling down at him so tenderly that Poe nearly stopped breathing.

“Okay,” he said finally.

Poe smiled again, trying to look merely pleased rather than absolutely thrilled. He sat up and took Finn’s hand with his metal one.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he said. “I was a mess...”

“You don’t have to apologize,” said Finn. “I just want to help you through this.”

“I really appreciate it. I’m not handling it very well on my own. Obviously.”

“Can’t blame you for that.”

Poe chuckled, looking down at their hands.

“I’m starving, wanna go get breakfast?” he asked.

“I’d love to.”

They got out of bed and Finn knelt down to put his shoes back on. Poe hesitated a moment, then went to his wardrobe and took out some new clothes. He glanced over at Finn, who was busy tying his laces, then pulled the huge sweater up over his head. He paused and looked down at his metal hand, at the scarred skin where it attached to the rest of his arm. Maybe he could get used to it with time, but for now, the sight of it still made him nauseous. He grabbed the new shirt and put it on, throwing a jacket over top, then turned to Finn.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Sure am,” said Finn brightly. 

 

When they got down to the mess, they found Rey sitting at their usual table with BB-8 by her feet. They got their food, then went to join her.

“There you are, Finn,” Rey said. “BB-8 and I were beginning to think Poe had kidnapped you.”

“I needed babysitting is more like it,” said Poe. He turned to BB-8. “Sorry I abandoned you, buddy.”

_I forgive you_ , BB-8 bleeped.

“I charged him for you last night,” said Rey.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. How’re you feeling?”

“I’m starving and kinda hungover,” Poe replied. “But otherwise... well, Finn helped me feel a bit better.”

He turned to Finn with a small smile, which Finn returned. Poe felt himself blush and turned back to his breakfast to hide it. They ate for a while in silence, then Poe turned to Rey.

“Do you think it would be alright if I sat in on your training today?” he asked. “I know I can’t use the Force so it might not do much good, but... well... I dunno... I need to get used to this hand, and I thought maybe it could help.”

“I’ll have to check with Master Luke, but I don’t see why not,” said Rey. 

 

An hour later, Rey had gotten Luke’s permission for Poe to join them in training for the day. He followed her out to a little grove on the edge of the base, where Luke was already waiting for them. As they approached, Luke stepped forward.

“You must be Poe Dameron,” he said. “Rey’s told me a lot about you.”

He held out his right hand and Poe froze – it was made of metal, just like his. Of course, how could he have forgotten? Everyone knew the stories of Luke Skywalker. Poe took Luke’s hand and shook it. 

“It’s an honor to meet you, sir,” he said.

“Please, call me Luke.”

“Yes sir. I mean Luke. Sorry.”

Luke chuckled.

“Shall we start?” 

 

Several hours later, Poe and Rey met Finn and BB-8 in the mess for dinner.

“Sooooo? How was it?” Finn asked.

“Exhausting,” said Poe. “I don’t know how Rey does it every day.”

“I think you’re just out of shape,” Rey teased, poking him in the side.

“Out of shape? This guy?” said Finn. “Have you _seen_ him?”

Poe blushed; apparently Finn had caught a glimpse of him changing that morning. Not that he minded very much, he wasn’t self-conscious. He had a nice body and he knew it. But knowing that _Finn_ now knew it too... well, it got him a bit flustered to say the least. And apparently it had gotten Finn flustered too.

“That was really awkward, wasn’t it? Was it awkward?” he said anxiously.

“I... well... I mean,” Poe stammered. “I mean, I guess it’s a compliment, so...”

“Does that make it less awkward then?” said Finn.

“Sure.”

Rey rolled her eyes.

“Oh, just eat your food before you embarrass yourselves any further,” she said.

“Who says I’m embarrassed?” Poe said.

Rey just gave him a look.

 

Night fell and Poe returned to his barracks. Finn had gone to his own room to get a change of clothes before sneaking over to spend the night again, so Poe was left for a little while on his own, only BB-8 for company. He plugged BB-8 in for a charge, then went into the washroom to clean up, coming back into his room a little later, shirtless and with wet hair, a stray curl falling into his face. He was just going to his wardrobe for a clean shirt when there was a soft knock on the door and Finn walked in. They both froze, staring at each other a moment, before Finn broke the silence.

“Sorry, I should’ve waited, I didn’t-”

“It’s okay, Finn,” said Poe. “I’m not wearing a shirt, big deal.”

“Right. Okay.”

Poe smiled at him, then pulled on a shirt and went to sit on the bed. 

“You coming?”

“Right, yeah.”

Finn came and joined him on the bed and Poe pulled the blankets over them, propping himself up on his elbow so he could look at Finn.

“This is the first time you haven’t worn sleeves since...” Finn said, trailing off.

“Yeah, I... I’m trying to get used to it,” said Poe. “I wasn’t gonna learn to accept it by hiding it.”

“Baby steps,” said Finn with a little smile. 

“Yeah. Baby steps.”

They were quiet a moment, then Poe spoke up again.

“You know Luke Skywalker lost a hand too, right?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard the stories,” said Finn.

“Yeah...” Poe said quietly. “I’d forgotten until today... it was comforting somehow... knowing that this living legend, a Jedi knight, a man who saved the entire galaxy... that he’d gone through this too. That he’s like me.”

“See, you just might be able to save the galaxy after all,” said Finn. “There’s hope for you yet.”

Poe smiled and they both lay down. For a moment they stayed there, not quite sure what to do with themselves. Then Poe took initiative and curled up against Finn’s side, letting out a contented sigh as Finn’s warmth washed over him. He felt Finn wrap his arm around his shoulders and let his eyes fall shut. He liked this feeling, his and Finn’s bodies pressed close, sharing heat, sharing a bed, and he wanted it to never end.


	6. Triggers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a warning, this chapter has a pretty detailed description of a panic attack, so tread carefully if that might trigger you.

Poe was on his knees in the forest, Kylo Ren looming over him. The only light came from Ren’s lightsaber, crackling and buzzing and casting a ruddy hue over everything. The blood-red light only made the scene bloodier as Poe stared down at his hand, lying on the cold ground, hot blood pouring from what was left of his arm. Then a voice broke through to him, a distant echo, gentle and familiar. 

“Poe, come on, it’s okay. It’s just a dream, you’re okay, wake up.”

_Finn_.

Poe’s eyes flew open. He was back in his bed, trembling and drenched in sweat. Finn sat next to him, watching him with concern. 

“Are you okay?” Finn asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Poe replied. “Just a bad dream.”

His teeth were chattering and he was panting as though he’d just sprinted a mile. He took a few deep breaths and sat up. His head spun and he had to close his eyes to keep from vomiting. 

“I’m gonna go splash some cold water on my face,” he said once the dizzy spell had passed. “I’ll be right back.”

He got out of bed and shuffled unsteadily to the washroom. He turned on the faucet and let the water pour through this fingers, then cupped his hands and splashed it over his face, rinsing away the sweat. He grabbed a towel and dried off, then returned to the bedroom. Finn was sitting up in bed, waiting for him.

“Sorry about that,” Poe said, sitting back down.

“Don’t apologize,” said Finn. “You didn’t choose that.”

He grabbed the blanket and pulled it up over the two of them, scooting closer to Poe so he could wrap his arms around him. Poe inched closer too, hesitating for a moment before huddling up against Finn’s chest. He could hear Finn’s heartbeat, slow and steady compared to his own still racing heart, and somehow it was comforting, grounding.

“I dreamt of that night,” he said suddenly. “The night I lost my hand.”

Finn held him tighter but said nothing. There wasn’t anything to say.

 

When Poe awoke again the next morning, he felt anything but rested. Finn was already awake, his arms still around Poe, and he wondered if Finn had even slept at all. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, his head hurting just as much as it had the previous morning.

“How’re you feeling?” Finn asked.

Poe shrugged.

“Breakfast?” he said.

“Yeah.”

They got out of bed and silently went about getting dressed. Finn stayed at the foot of the bed where he’d left the clothes he brought with him last night, and Poe went to rummage through his closet. He picked a new shirt and turned around, just as Finn took off his shirt. His back was to Poe, revealing the jagged scar that ran diagonally from shoulder blade to hip, the only mark on his otherwise smooth dark skin. Poe stared, a little too tired and starstruck to snap out of it. The muscles in Finn’s back rippled hypnotically as he lifted his arms to put on the clean shirt, covering his torso and breaking the trance. Poe turned away hurriedly and finished getting changed.

Once they were both dressed, Poe unplugged BB-8 from his charger and they left the room. Just as Rey walked past. They all froze, Poe and Finn both looking guilty (which was silly, Poe thought, they’d done nothing), Rey looking surprised, her eyes flicking back and forth between them.

“Good morning,” she said at last.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” said Poe, a little too quickly.

Seriously, why was he acting so guilty?

“Okay....”

“He’s right, we were just sleeping,” Finn chimed in.

“I believe you,” Rey laughed. “But if you keep acting like that, nobody else will.”

Poe and Finn exchanged an embarrassed look, then they all started down the hall toward the mess.

“Oh hey, Master Luke and I are working on some lightsaber training today,” Rey said. “He said you two can come watch if you like.”

“That sounds awesome,” said Finn. “Poe? You down?”

“You bet I am,” said Poe.

It sounded like the perfect distraction to keep his mind off the dream from last night. It would be cool enough getting to watch a lightsaber sparring match, but he also found himself rather eager to meet Luke Skywalker again.

 

A couple hours later, they were back in the little grove at the edge of the base. Poe and Finn sat together on a large tree stump, BB-8 entertaining themself by rolling in circles around them. Luke was giving Rey some tips based on their previous sparring matches before they got to work.

“Any bets on who’s gonna win?” Poe said.

“Oh no, I’m not gonna let you ensnare me with that trap,” said Finn. “‘Cause if I say Luke and Rey finds out, she’s gonna kick my ass.”

Poe laughed and turned to watch as Rey and Luke lit up their lightsabers and got into their beginning stances. There was a still, quiet moment filled with nothing but the low hum of the lightsabers, then they flew into action. 

As Poe watched, he noticed an anxious twisting feeling in his stomach that he couldn’t explain. He started to feel short of breath, his heart rate quickening. The whirling and flashing of the lightsabers was making him dizzy so he looked down and saw that his right hand was trembling. He clenched it into a fist in an attempt to stop the shaking but it did no good. He closed his eyes and bit his lip, digging his teeth in so hard it hurt, but nothing was stopping the overwhelming panic building inside him. The buzzing of the lightsabers in the background seemed to drown out all else until there was nothing left but that sound and his fear.

Then everything snapped. Poe shot up off the stump and ran, paying no attention to where he was going, and didn’t stop until the lightsabers were far out of earshot. Then he fell to his knees, gasping for air and clutching his stomach, choking out dry sobs between desperate, heavy breaths.

“Poe?”

He jumped and whipped around to find Finn kneeling next to him, his eyes wide and terrified. 

“Poe, what the hell’s going on? Are you okay?”

Poe shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. Finn put his hand on his shoulder and Poe flinched away.

“Don’t touch me,” he said, much harsher than he intended.

“Okay.”

Even in his panicked state, Poe could hear the hurt and confusion in Finn’s voice. A wave of guilt washed over him, adding to the already horrific cocktail of emotions he was experiencing. He looked up at Finn.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay,” said Finn. “Just catch your breath. Take as long as you need. I’ll be right here.”

Poe stared at him, every part of his being still quivering with fear, but a tiny ball of light and comfort seemed to form inside him at Finn’s words. 

_He wasn’t alone. He was safe. Finn was with him. Finn would protect him._

He took slow, deep breaths, trying to steady himself, keeping his focus trained on Finn the whole time. 

_Finn is here. I’m safe. He’s going to protect me._

At last he managed to calm down enough to take in his surroundings. He was kneeling on the tarmac, his X-Wing looming over him. Strange how some instinct had led him here, beneath one of the places he felt most at home. He turned to Finn, who was watching him with a worried frown for the second time that day.

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

“It’s okay,” said Finn. “What happened?”

“I...I don’t know,” said Poe. “I just... that sound... I panicked...”

“The lightsabers?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think it’s because of... what happened?” Finn asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Yes,” Poe hesitated before continuing. “I’ve seen this sort of thing happen before. A rookie pilot who joined my squadron went down in his first fight. He was okay, but once he recovered... the next time he went out with us, he panicked.... He had to be reassigned to a ground unit. Just being up there, it terrified him after that.”

“You’re not gonna get reassigned because of this,” said Finn. “In case you’re worried about that.”

“No, I know,” said Poe. “I guess I just have to keep my distance from lightsabers. Kinda inconvenient when one of my friends is learning to be a Jedi.”

They were quiet for a moment, then Finn spoke up again.

“Is it okay if I touch you now?”

“Yes,” said Poe. “Please.”

Finn came closer and pulled him into a hug. Poe buried his face in his shoulder and clung to him as though his life depended on it.

“Thanks for asking, by the way,” he said. “And thanks for staying with me.”

“Of course,” said Finn. “Whenever you need me, I’ll be there. I’ll always stay with you.”


	7. A Busy Mind

Once he had calmed down, Finn took Poe back to his room. Finn went to get him a glass of water, and Poe waited on the bed, staring down at his hands. The palm of his right had was scraped up and he was starting to notice a dull ache in his knees from his fall on the pavement. Finn came back and handed him the glass, which he took gratefully and drank. He set the glass down on the nightstand, but as he drew his hand back, Finn caught it, frowning.

“You’re hurt,” he said.

“It’s nothing, I just scraped it when I fell,” said Poe.

“Let me clean it for you.”

“Finn...”

But Finn was already off to the washroom again. He returned seconds later with a wet towel and sat down next to Poe. When he was done, he lifted Poe’s hand to his lips and kissed it. Poe’s breath hitched in his chest. 

“Your knees are pretty beat up too and you ripped your pants,” Finn pointed out. “Do you want me to take care of them for you too?”

Poe looked down and sure enough, there was a large tear in the left leg of his pants, through which he could see the bloody-looking scrape on his knee. 

“Probably a good idea,” he said. “But... um... I’m gonna have to take off my pants... if that won’t be too weird...”

“It’s fine,” said Finn. “I want to take care of you.”

“Thank you,” said Poe.

He stood up to take off his pants, leaving him in just his underwear. His knees looked in much worse shape now that he could see them – dark purple bruises were already forming and his left knee was bleeding, bits of gravel stuck in the shallow wound. That was gonna hurt to clean off. He sat back down and Finn knelt in front of him and started to clean the scraped knee as gently as he could. 

Poe watched, feeling incredibly vulnerable like this, half dressed with Finn tending to his injuries. He had been emotionally vulnerable with Finn numerous times over the last few days, even physically in letting him share his bed. But none of it felt so intimate as this. 

When Finn finished cleaning the gravel and blood from Poe’s knees, he went back into the washroom, returning with a bandage. He carefully covered up the injury, then looked up at Poe. Poe gazed back at him, his heart racing for an entirely different and much more pleasant reason.

“Thank you,” he said again.

“No problem,” said Finn.

“I should probably put my pants back on,” said Poe.

“Yeah, might be a good idea.”

Poe went and got a new pair of pants and put them on, then went back to where Finn still knelt on the floor. He held out his hand to help him up, and Finn took it. Suddenly they were standing very close and it took Poe’s breath away.

“Finn?” he murmured, so softly the word was barely a wisp of air.

“Yeah?” Finn said, sounding as breathless as Poe felt.

“Can... can I kiss you?”

The room was silent, the tension in the air palpable. Then finally Finn replied.

“Yes.”

Poe hesitated a moment, both surprised and nervous. Then he leaned in, his eyes fluttering closed, and pressed his lips to Finn’s. It was brief, but it made Poe’s heart soar. He began to pull away, not daring to open his eyes in case it was all a dream, but Finn’s hand cradled the back of his head, fingers tangled in curls, and Poe was pulled forward into a second kiss. This one was longer, still tentative and experimental, both of them scared to go too far, but slowly getting more confident as their need drew them in. Poe’s hands found their way to Finn’s waist and pulled him closer until their bodies were pressed together.

And then it ended, just as suddenly as it began. They broke apart breathlessly, their foreheads resting together, lips still temptingly close. Poe opened his eyes to find Finn smiling at him. They stood like that for what could have been seconds or hours, the world around them faded to a blur. Nothing else was important, just Finn’s hands in Poe’s hair, Poe’s hands on Finn’s waist, every inch of their bodies so close and yet Poe wanted them closer.

They leaned in again, but before their lips could touch, there was a knock on the door. They froze, staring at each other with disappointment in their eyes. Then Poe let his hands fall from Finn’s waist and took a step back, breaking the spell.

“Come in,” he called.

The door opened and BB-8 rolled in, bleeping so frantically that Poe could barely make out what they were saying, followed by Rey. Poe knelt down as the little droid rolled over to him.

“Slow down, buddy, use your words,” he said.

“Are you okay, Poe?” Rey asked. “I saw you run off, and then Finn followed you...”

“I’m alright now,” said Poe. “I um... had a bit of a panic attack... Finn helped me through it.”

“A panic attack?!” Rey repeated. “What happened? Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll be fine, Rey,” Poe said, standing up so he could look at her. “I just... probably shouldn’t come watch any more of your sparring practices. The sound of the lightsabers seemed to trigger it.”

“The lightsabers? Oh, of course, I can’t believe I didn’t think... I’m so sorry, Poe, I should have realized-”

“It’s fine, it’s not your fault. None of us could have known this would happen.”

Poe put a comforting hand on her shoulder and Rey looked up at him, her eyes still full of concern.

“Are you absolutely sure you’re alright?” she asked quietly.

“I mean, I’m still a little shaken up,” Poe replied. “But I’ll be fine.”

 

Poe and Finn didn’t get another moment alone again for the rest of the day. They were all unusually quiet at dinner, and Poe kept sneaking glances over at Finn, who was determinedly focused on his plate every time he looked over. As the three of them left the mess, Poe trailed behind.

“Hey guys, um... I’m gonna go outside for a while,” he said. “Need some fresh air. Clear my head, you know.”

“Okay,” said Rey. “Don’t be too long, it looked like it might rain.”

“See you in a bit,” Finn said. 

Poe gave them a little wave and parted ways. Night had fallen quickly and any moon that may have been shining was covered by clouds. The air was cold and still and had that distinct smell that meant a storm was coming. Poe pulled his jacket tighter around him and climbed up to the top of the hill where Finn had held his hand that first evening after he’d left the medcenter. A few raindrops fell from the sky as he hiked, and by the time he reached the top, a steady drizzle was coming down. Paying the rain no mind, he sat in the grass and looked up at the clouds with a heavy sigh. 

As he sat there, he thought of Finn and the kiss they had shared that afternoon. Poe hardly dared believe it was real, and yet he could still feel Finn’s soft lips pressed against his own. But what was he to make of it? Finn had allowed Poe to kiss him, had even pulled him back in for more. But... somehow, close as they were, he couldn’t quite believe that Finn would want him like that. They were friends, best friends, risked their lives for each other, shared a bed these last few nights. Poe knew the nature of his feelings for Finn, had known for a long time, but the idea that Finn might reciprocate them seemed for some reason outlandish. And yet they had kissed...

Poe was so deep in thought that he hadn’t heard the approaching footsteps and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Luke Skywalker standing a few feet away.

“Sorry to alarm you,” he said. “Mind if I sit?”

“No, go ahead,” said Poe.

Luke sat down next to him and turned his gaze up to the patch of clouds Poe had been watching. Poe just stared at him, wondering what the hell _Luke Skywalker_ was doing sitting next to _him_ on a rainy hillside when he could have been doing literally anything else.

“Your mind is very busy tonight,” Luke said.

“What?”

“I can feel your thoughts buzzing. You have a lot on your mind.”

“Yeah... I guess I do,” said Poe.

He was feeling rather nervous now. Could Jedi read minds?

“I hope you’re doing alright after this afternoon,” Luke went on. “I saw you run off, felt your fear.”

“Yeah, I’m... I’m okay,” Poe said.

“I know a little of what you’re going through. I sought you out tonight hoping I could help.”

“Y-you want to help me?” Poe said in disbelief.

Luke turned to him with a small smile.

“Of course. You shouldn’t have to go through trauma like this alone.”

“But I’m not alone. I’ve got Finn, and Rey...”

“Your friends can help you, but they don’t know what it’s like,” said Luke. “I do.”

Poe was silent, so Luke continued.

“I recognized something in you the other day when we met. A reckless, compassionate bravery. A _need_ to save the galaxy, to save the people you love. And the sadness that comes along with that. The worry that one day, you might not be enough, that you might be too late.”

“How did you see all that?” Poe asked.

“I was just like you when I was younger,” said Luke. “I know what that looks like in a person. And I know that right now, you’re probably feeling pretty hopeless, scared that what happened to you will drag you down.”

Poe nodded.

“Don’t be afraid of that. It won’t happen,” said Luke. “Rey and my sister have told me a lot about you. You’re strong and determined. You can fight back.”

“How did you do it?” said Poe. “How did you cope when you lost your hand?”

“I focused on doing what needed to be done. I threw myself into my training, I worked on a plan to rescue my friend. You’re a pilot, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Get in your ship tomorrow and go for a flight. You may not be able to get your life back exactly as it was before, but you can still keep living and fighting.”

“And flying,” Poe added with a little smile.

“And flying,” Luke echoed. “Now, we should probably get back inside before we’re soaked to the skin.”

“Might be a little late for that.”

They both stood up and Poe turned to Luke.

“Thank you,” he said quietly. “I can’t begin to tell you how much this means to me, you coming to talk to me like this.”

“Of course,” said Luke. “If you ever need to talk more, don’t hesitate to come find me.”

Poe smiled gratefully and they walked back down the hill.

 

On the way back to his room, Poe ran into Finn.

“Hey, I was just on my way to see if you were back yet,” said Finn. “Jeez, you’re soaked through!”

“It was raining,” Poe said, opening the door and letting Finn inside first.

“Rey warned you...”

“I know, I know. But, well... Luke Skywalker came to see me.”

Poe closed the door behind them and Finn turned and stared.

“He did?”

“Yeah, he... wanted to make sure I was alright after what happened earlier,” said Poe.

He took off his jacket and knelt down to untie his water-logged boots.

“That’s awful nice of him,” said Finn.

“Yeah...”

Poe kicked off his boots and stood up, then went to his wardrobe for dry clothes.

“I’ll get you a towel,” Finn offered.

He disappeared into the washroom. Poe took off his wet clothes and tossed them over the back of a chair, then pulled on his most comfortable pants. Finn returned from the washroom with a towel, which he draped over Poe’s bare shoulders, his hands lingering. Poe looked back over his shoulder at him and they both hesitated, wondering who would make the next move. 

Poe started to lean in, but then he stopped. No. They needed to talk about this. They couldn’t make a habit of just kissing each other in private and pretending nothing had changed the rest of the time. It was one thing that they were sleeping in the same bed now, but this was different, this wasn’t something they could pass off as totally platonic. Poe turned his head away and looked down, pulling the towel tighter around his shoulders.

“Thanks,” he said quietly.

“No problem.”

The room fell unusually silent. Poe dried his hair and put on a clean shirt, then hung up the towel and went to his bed. Finn took off his shoes and followed him wordlessly, climbing under the covers beside him. They lay there for a while and Poe knew he should say something, that they needed to talk about what had happened and what might happen now, but he couldn’t think of the right words. Luke was right, his mind was too busy, and he couldn’t quiet his thoughts enough to do this right. 

“Good night, Finn,” he said at last.

“Good night,” Finn replied.

There was always tomorrow.


	8. Just So Poe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this brief moment of happiness while it lasts

Finn didn’t sleep well, and he had a feeling Poe hadn’t either. He had too much on his mind. Or rather, too many thoughts on the same subject: Poe Dameron. The unresolved tension that had been between them since they kissed was absolute torture. He couldn’t stand feeling awkward around Poe, not when their relationship had been so easy and comfortable from the moment they met. He didn’t want to lose that because of a kiss. And yet that kiss... it was the most magical thing he had ever experienced. It was everything he had imagined kissing Poe would be. Not that he had imagined kissing Poe...

Except that he had, loads of times. And Poe had _asked_ to kiss him, which in itself was so sweet and just so _Poe_ , and well, surely if Poe wanted to kiss him, that meant he too wanted something more. That he felt the same way for Finn as Finn felt for him. But no, he couldn’t assume that. He couldn’t assume anything. Finn was all but a stranger to romance, he was clueless, and no matter how close of friends they were, he wouldn’t dare to presume he knew what was in Poe’s heart.

Finn had been lying awake about an hour when morning finally came. He rolled over onto his back and looked at Poe, who was still asleep. There was a worried little crease between his eyebrows and Finn wished he could kiss it away and chase off whatever dreams had put it there. It hurt to see lighthearted Poe so weighed down with care, to know he wasn’t sleeping well, to see him so sad and afraid.

Just then, Poe mumbled something, his frown deepening, before jerking awake. He blinked a few times, clearly disoriented, then his gaze focused on Finn.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi.”

“Is it morning?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh good...”

Poe sat up and leaned against the headboard, rubbing his eyes. 

“Did you sleep okay?” Finn asked, sitting up as well.

“Not really. You?”

“Me neither.”

They were both quiet a moment, neither looking at the other.

“We need to talk,” Finn said at last.

“You’re wasting no time,” said Poe.

“Well, if we wait, something’ll come up and then we won’t get the chance and suddenly it’ll be tomorrow and we’ll have gone another day without talking and I don’t want to do that.”

“Fair enough.”

“So... who talks first?” Finn said.

“Well, I suppose I should, since I’m kinda the reason we need to have this talk at all,” Poe sighed.

“Okay.”

Poe sat there for a moment, collecting his thoughts, and Finn waited patiently. Then he began.

“I might as well just come right out and say it. I guess it’s probably pretty obvious now considering yesterday. Finn... I really, really like you. A lot. Not only as a friend, but... romantically. That sounds like a formal way to put it, doesn’t it? Oh whatever. The point is... I like you. I have for a really long time. You’re smart and funny and brave and kind. And not too bad looking either,” he added with a grin. “When I asked if I could kiss you... I... well, I don’t entirely know what came over me. I just... everything you’ve done for me these last few days, and especially yesterday... I wouldn’t have thought it possible for you to steal any more of my heart than you already had, but you did. I just... I couldn’t contain it anymore.”

Finn smiled, feeling lighter than he had in days. 

“You like me? You really like me?” he said.

“Yes, I do,” said Poe. 

“I like you too,” said Finn. “When you asked to kiss me... I didn’t dare let myself believe it. It was just too good to be true.”

“Why’d you think I wanted to kiss you then, silly?” Poe teased.

“I honestly have no idea,” said Finn. “But I’m glad I was wrong.”

Poe smiled.

“So you like me too.”

“Yeah.”

They gazed at each other, both wearing the same lovestruck smile.

“Now that we’ve talked,” said Finn. “Can we start kissing again?”

“Please.”

Finn grinned and leaned forward, kissing him eagerly. Poe wrapped his arms around Finn and pulled him closer so he was practically laying on top of him. They lay there in bed for far too long, kissing and smiling and giggling occasionally, until suddenly they were interrupted by a knock on the door. 

“Come in,” Poe called.

It was clearly out of pure instinct, because the two of them were still very much tangled together and the second the words were out, he was back to kissing Finn. The door opened but neither of them really noticed; Finn had already forgotten someone was at the door at all.

“Well, this is about to get very awkward.”

Finn and Poe flew apart in alarm. Finn fell off the bed, dragging the blankets along with him, and knocked over the lamp on Poe’s nightstand. He scrambled to detangle himself from the blankets and sat up. Rey was standing in the doorway, smirking.

“Ummm.... good morning?” Poe said.

“Hardly,” said Rey. “It’s almost noon.”

“It is?” said Finn.

“Good grief, how long have you two been at it?” Rey said.

“Uhhh....”

“Never mind, I don’t want to know.”

“So, uh, what’d you stop by for?” Poe asked.

“I wanted to make sure you hadn’t both died in your sleep, since you’re usually early risers,” Rey replied. 

“Nope, we’re definitely alive,” said Finn. 

“Apparently. I also wanted to ask if you’d like to join me for lunch before I go train with Master Luke.”

Finn looked to Poe for his opinion, and Poe nodded.

“Alright, we’re in.”

 

Finn couldn’t keep his eyes off Poe all through lunch. They kept nudging at each other’s feet under the table and grinning bashfully. Finn knew they were probably being insufferable and made a note to pick Rey a huge bouquet of her favorite flowers later as appreciation for her patience.

As they left the mess, Poe hooked his arm through Finn’s and pulled him gently to a halt.

“Hey, I was thinking of going for a little flight over the base for a while, just to get back into it. Luke recommended it when we were talking last night,” he said. “If you don’t mind me disappearing for a couple hours.”

“Of course I don’t mind,” said Finn. “That’s great. Have fun up there.”

“I always do. See you in a bit,” Poe said.

He gave Finn a quick kiss, then walked off. Finn watched him go with a smile on his face, then kept walking. Maybe he’d go find those flowers for Rey now.


	9. Crash Landing

Poe felt a mixture of nervousness and excitement as he approached his X-Wing. It had been nearly a week and a half since he’d sat behind those controls, the longest time in at least three years. He pulled over a ladder and climbed up and into the cockpit. The interior had been thoroughly cleaned since he’d last flown, which he was grateful for – he didn’t much like the thought of having bloodstains in his ship, especially when the blood was his own.

“Hey, baby,” he crooned. “Did ya miss me?”

He grabbed his gloves, hesitating a moment before sliding the left one onto his metal hand, then popped on his helmet and fired up the engine. Poe took a deep breath, then lifted off. An exhilarated chill ran down his spine and he smiled. He belonged up here, soaring through the sky. And he realized they were right – Finn and Rey and Luke – they had all been right. Losing his hand wasn’t the end of Poe Dameron, best pilot in the Resistance. He may have nightmares and panic attacks and moments of self-doubt, but he was still Poe. And that thought was even more freeing than flying.

He had been out for an hour and was starting back in the direction of the base. About five minutes away, Poe soared over a ridge and his heart stopped. Below on the ground were three First Order ships from which dozens of stormtroopers were unloading, too many to count. 

“Shit.”

Poe put on as much speed as he could and flew back to base. He landed and tore off his helmet, then leapt out of the cockpit without even bothering to lower a ladder. He landed on his feet and took off running. He didn’t stop until he reached the command center, where General Organa, Luke, and a few officers were talking.

“Commander Dameron! What are you doing here?” General Organa said.

“The First Order,” Poe panted. “They’re here. I was flying, I saw them. Three ships full of troopers, coming here on foot. They mean to take us by surprise.”

“Leiutenant, sound the alarm. We’ll be ready for them,” said General Organa. “Thanks to you, Dameron. Now go get ready.”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Poe.

He ran back to his room for his blaster and was rather disappointed not to find Finn there. He strapped on his holster and went out into the corridor, which was now a flurry of action as Resistance soldiers hurried into positions.

“Commander Dameron!”

Poe turned around to find one of the X-Wing captains jogging over to him.

“Yes, sir?”

“General Organa’s asked to have a small fleet in the air to take out the enemy from above, just four ships,” said the captain. “I’d like you to lead them, if you’re up for it.”

“I’ll always be up for it, sir. The day I’m not is the day I’m dead,” said Poe.

“Good luck, Dameron.”

The captain ran off again and Poe switched courses to return to the tarmac. He hadn’t gone far when he ran into Finn and BB-8.

“Poe! What’s going on?” Finn asked.

“We’re about to be under attack,” said Poe. “Three ships of troopers heading here on foot. BB-8, I’m gonna need you to come with me. I’ve just been ordered to lead an air strike, so I won’t be with you on the ground...”

“You’re a pilot, it’s your job,” Finn said, though Poe could hear the distress in his voice.

“I know, I just...”

Poe trailed off. Then suddenly he took Finn’s face in his hands and kissed him hard and desperately. They broke apart and Poe stared breathlessly at Finn, still cupping his face in his hands.

“Be careful,” he murmured.

“You too,” said Finn.

Poe hesitated a moment, then kissed him again, trying to pour all the things he felt for Finn into it in case it was their last.

“Dameron, we need to get up there!”

Poe pulled away and glanced over his shoulder as Jessika Pava hurried by.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said.

Then with one last fleeting kiss, he ran off, BB-8 on his heels. He went out to the tarmac and climbed back into his X-Wing, waiting for the attendants to load BB-8 before putting on his helmet.

“You all ready back there, buddy?”

_You bet!_ BB-8 replied.

“Alright. First time back in the action. Let’s do this thing.”

He powered up and turned on his comms.

“Black Leader, standing by.”

Three more voices chimed in, and Poe smiled.

“It’s good to be back, guys.”

“It’s good to have you back, Poe,” said Jessika. “You ready for this?”

“I was born ready,” Poe said.

“Sure you were, lover boy.”

“Lover boy?” Black Six echoed teasingly. “What’s this?”

“Is now really the time?” Poe sighed.

“I s’pose not,” said Black Six. “But you’re not getting out of it. You’re dishing everything when we’re done with this.”

“Looks like I’ve got no choice,” said Poe. “Well, let’s go kick some First Order ass.”

He lifted off, his three companions close behind, just as the first wave of stormtroopers reached the edge of the base.

“Alright, gang, let’s take out as many of these guys as we can before they reach our first soldiers,” he ordered.

He steered his ship toward the stormtroopers and rained fire down on them. He always felt a twinge of guilt shooting down stormtroopers these days, now that he knew these people weren’t fighting for the First Order by choice. But it was what he had to do. 

The stormtroopers just kept coming and Poe and his fleet kept swooping over them, blasting down as many as they could. The fight on the ground had begun, and Poe had to keep himself from worrying too much about Finn. 

_He can handle himself, he knows how to fight these people, he trained with them, he’ll be okay_ , he recited over and over in his head.

He forced himself to focus extra hard on shooting down the stormtroopers, both to distract himself from his worrying and so there would be less of them trying to kill Finn.

“Hey boss, they’re bringing out the long range guns,” Jessika announced. 

“Then let’s take out the guns before they take out us,” Poe replied.

He swerved to avoid a blast, then sent several shots toward one of the guns and blew it up. The other guns started firing on him and he sped away to keep from getting hit. The only problem was, this put him far from the action and useless. He turned his X-Wing back around and flew back toward the fight just in time to see a blast hit Black Six. One of the engines exploded and the rest of the ship tumbled from the air in a pillar of smoke and fire. Poe swore under his breath and peered out the cockpit window to check on the situation below.

Things weren’t looking good on the ground. The smoldering wreckage of Black Six had landed right in the middle of the fight and was causing all sorts of damage. Poe made a low swoop and shot down a few stormtroopers, but as he was pulling up, his ship rocked violently with the unmistakable sound of blaster fire. Poe glanced at his computer and saw that the hit had severely damaged his port engine and knocked loose one of the stabilizers.

“I’ve been hit,” he announced to the remaining pilots. “They took out one of my engines. I might be able to stay up if I can get some pieces back in place. BB-8, can you fix that stabilizer?”

There was no answer.

“BB-8?”

Still nothing. Poe’s heart dropped. 

“I’ve lost BB-8,” he said, forcing himself to keep calm. “I don’t think I’ll be able to do a clean landing with this stabilizer loose, so I’m gonna find a safe place to crash land and join the fight on the ground. You two take care of the situation up here. Jess, you’re in charge.”

“Yes, sir,” Jessika replied.

Poe took a deep breath to steady himself, then steered his ship as best he could to a ridge just outside the base. The landing was far from smooth, the nose of his ship tore up a long strip in the grass, but at least there was no one up here to get hurt. He opened the cockpit and took off his helmet, then climbed precariously to the back of his ship to check on BB-8. One of the blasts had glanced off the droid, causing just enough damage to knock them out of commission. It was nothing that couldn’t be fixed, but still, Poe’s confidence took a huge hit at the loss.

He hopped down from his X-Wing and drew his blaster from its holster, ears open for the first sound of a fight. He didn’t have to go far to find it. A little ways along the ridge, a small skirmish had drifted away from the main fight. The group were mostly stormtroopers, all fighting a single, very familiar Resistance soldier.

“Finn,” Poe gasped.

He started to hurry forward, then froze. Red Seven was plummeting from the sky, a trail of black smoke following behind, heading right for Finn.

“No!”

Poe ran full tilt toward Finn, determined to get to him before the falling X-Wing. It crossed his mind that this was even stupider than leaping in front of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber, but that wasn’t going to stop him, not now. He couldn’t lose Finn. He had to save him. 

He dove forward and tackled Finn to the ground, rolling dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. A second later, the X-Wing crashed, only inches from them. Flames and smoke and flying chunks of metal flew through the air and in the confusion, Poe lost track of Finn. He clambered to his feet, searching around in a panic. The X-Wing started to go over the cliff in pieces and suddenly Poe heard a shout and someone calling his name. And then he saw Finn, tangled up in the wreckage, being dragged toward the edge of the cliff.

“Finn!” 

Poe ran over and reached out for him.

“Grab my hand!”

Finn stretched out his arm but the wreck shifted, suspending him over the rocky abyss.

“Poe!” Finn cried.

“Just hang on, I’ll save you,” Poe said, kneeling as close to the edge as he dared. “Take my hand, you can do it!”

Finn reached out again, balancing precariously on the broken metal that was holding him up. Out of the corner of his eye, Poe could see the X-Wing sliding toward the cliff’s edge; there wasn’t much time. Their fingertips were nearly touching, they were so close, but just one wrong move would send Finn plummeting. 

“I love you,” he said, struck by a sudden impulse, a fear that this was his only chance to say it.

Finn froze, staring at him with wide eyes. That moment’s hesitation was just a second too much. The X-Wing finally reached the edge and with a violent lurch, Finn was dragged down over the cliff. Poe snatched desperately at the air where his hand had been a second before, but it was too late. Finn’s terrified scream had already faded to naught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry


	10. Start With Me

“No... no... Finn....” 

Poe stared down over the cliff, his vision already blinded by tears. Finn couldn’t be gone, he just couldn’t be, there had to be some way around this, some way of getting him back...

“Ah, love,” a deep voice said behind him. A horribly familiar voice. “You people think love gives you strength. But it only makes you weak.”

Poe turned around and suppressed a shudder. Kylo Ren stood over him, his crackling lightsaber held ready at his side. He took a step forward, but his way was suddenly blocked as Rey rushed between them, her lightsaber at the ready.

“You’re never gonna lay a hand on him again,” she said.

“Over your dead body, I presume?” Ren taunted. “That can be arranged.”

Their lightsabers crashed together and they began to duel. Rey’s skill with a lightsaber had doubled since the last time Poe had seen her fight and the little part of him that wasn’t grief-stricken and terrified was impressed. That nauseating, anxious feeling was starting to return, but he shoved it down.

_Not here, not now._

He clenched his right hand into a fist to keep it from shaking and tried to slow his breathing. Suddenly, Ren thrust out his hand and a gust of energy swept over the ridge. Rey was thrown backwards and her lightsaber flew from her hand, landing only a few feet from Poe. Rey landed several feet away and lay there motionless. Poe’s heart dropped. No, not Rey too. Ren was looming over her still form as though contemplating whether to kill her while she was down. 

In an increasingly common fit of idiotic desperation, Poe snatched up the fallen lightsaber and scrambled to his feet. Ren turned sharply and began to march toward him. Poe panicked and fumbled for the on switch. The blade extended just in time and he blocked Ren’s swing, sincerely hoping he didn’t look as terrified as he felt. He had no idea how to fight with a lightsaber, and he honestly was just waiting for another panic attack to send him stumbling to his knees. 

“You’re very brave, rebel,” said Ren. “But very stupid.”

“So I’ve been told,” Poe said. “Now, you may be smart, but you’re also a coward.”

“How dare you-”

“Then why don’t you take off that helmet and prove me wrong.”

There were probably very few things he could have said that would have been worse ideas, but at the moment, bad ideas were all he had left. He’d lost Finn and BB-8, Rey was down for the count, and his only weapons were a lightsaber and his smart mouth. He might as well use the one of those things he knew how to use.

Ren slashed his saber through the air and Poe leapt back to dodge it. He held Rey’s lightsaber out in front of him, as ready as he’d ever be for the next strike. Ren charged and Poe blocked, and the duel started in earnest. 

All Poe could do was dodge and parry Ren’s swings. He had no form and no skill, his swings were clumsy and desperate, like a child play-fighting with sticks. He was able to avoid Ren’s attacks just enough to stay alive, but there was no way he could keep at it for long. Ren was far too talented a swordsman and strong with the Force. Poe was just a pilot with a broken heart and a quickly depleting will to live.

“Give up, rebel!” Ren shouted. “You’re no match for me, or for the First Order! You and your pitiful Resistance will be destroyed!”

“You might destroy me, but you’ll never stop the Resistance,” said Poe. “They’ll keep fighting until every scrap of the First Order has been obliterated. You’ll never win.”

“You will have to send troops throughout the entire _galaxy_ to achieve that,” said Ren. “Your Resistance is too small and weak. You’re all too easily broken. And I will crush every last one of you.”

“Then what are you waiting for?” Poe snarled. “Get to work.”

He turned off the lightsaber and tossed it aside.

“Start with me,” he said. “Crush me. Make an example of me. Show everyone what happens to the small, pitiful people that stand up against you.”

Ren didn’t move. This sudden surrender seemed to have thrown him off guard. Which was partly what Poe wanted. The rest of him just wanted Ren to get on with it.

“KILL ME!” Poe shouted desperately.

At last Ren raised his lightsaber and took a step forward. Then suddenly, several blasts struck the ground between the two men, sending them both flying back. Poe looked up just in time to see Jessika’s ship fly overhead.

“Thank you,” he whispered, though he knew she couldn’t hear him.

“Poe!”

He turned. Rey was running over to him, a little beaten and bruised but mercifully alive. She dropped to her knees next to him, looking frantic with worry.

“Are you okay? I woke up and saw you fighting Kylo Ren and then... then you...”

Poe was startled to see her eyes were full of tears.

“I’m okay,” he assured her, though really it was far from the truth. “I’m not hurt.”

“Come on,” said Rey. “It looks like the fight’s over. We should go back down to the base.”

“Okay...”

He got to his feet, accepting Rey’s help, then froze.

“Wait! BB-8!” he said.

He ran over to his crashed X-Wing and climbed up to unhook BB-8 from the co-pilot pit. 

“What happened?” Rey gasped when she saw the damage.

“Got blasted...” Poe panted.

With Rey’s help, he lowered the droid to the ground. They scrapped together a little sled from some things in his ship, then put BB-8 on it and dragged them along behind them back to base. They took BB-8 to maintenance, where the mechanic assured Poe they’d be good as new in no time. 

“We should go find Finn, he’ll be worried sick,” said Rey. “He’s bound to have seen your ship go down.”

Poe stared at her. She didn’t know. Of course she didn’t know. She’d shown up too late to have seen it happen. The scene seemed to flash in front of him again and his eyes filled with tears.

“Poe?” Rey said. “What’s wrong?”

A painful sob escaped him and he looked away, unable to look her in the eye anymore.

“Poe, did something happen to Finn?” said Rey, now sounding scared.

“He’s dead,” Poe said, and saying it made it so much more real and so much worse. “He’s dead, Rey. Finn’s dead. And it’s my fault.”

“What?” Rey gasped.

“It’s my fault, it’s all my fault...”

“No, it can’t be, of course it isn’t,” said Rey. 

“But it is,” Poe sobbed. “I t-tried to save him a-and all I did was make it worse. And now he’s gone, Rey, because of me.”

He collapsed to his knees, too overcome to stand. Rey knelt down and pulled him into a hug. Poe wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her shoulder. He could feel her trembling and held her closer; even in his grief he could try to comfort her. Finn was Rey’s friend too, her best friend, and now he was dead and it was Poe’s fault....

“Poe!”

He looked up from Rey’s shoulder to see Jessika jogging down the hall toward them.

“I’ve been looking all over for you!” she exclaimed. “A crew’s just been down in the gorge taking care of the wreckage and... they found Finn down there.”

Rey extricated herself from Poe’s arms and turned to look at Jessika.

“We know,” she said. “Poe saw him fall.”

Jessika stared at them a moment, taking in their tear-streaked faces, then gasped.

“You think he’s dead.”

“I know he’s dead, Jess. I watched it happen,” said Poe.

“But he isn’t,” Jessika said. 

Poe just stared at her.

“He survived the fall,” she continued. “I don’t know how. They’re taking him to the medcenter right now. He’s unconscious and pretty beat up, but he’s alive, Poe. Finn’s alive.”


	11. I'm Not Good At Being Alone

“Alive? Are you sure?”

Poe didn’t dare believe it. He had seen Finn fall, how could he have possibly survived that? 

“I’m absolutely sure,” Jessika said. “I saw him myself.”

Poe was off like a shot. He ran as fast as he could to the medcenter, ignoring Rey and Jessika’s shouts for him to wait up, then skidded to a halt outside the door. Rey and Jessika caught up, panting.

“They’re not gonna let you in,” said Rey.

Poe frowned at the door. Finn was on the other side, hurt and bleeding but _alive_. But Rey was right. He sighed heavily and turned away.

“I know...”

He went and sat on the bench on the other side of the corridor. Rey and Jessika sat down on either side of him. 

“I’ve spent an awful lot of time on this bench because of you boys,” Rey said.

“Sorry.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. Just try to be less reckless, okay?”

“Can’t make any promises,” Poe said with a tired smirk.

They were quiet for a while, just waiting. Then Rey spoke up again.

“Poe... why did you say it was your fault that Finn fell? You tried to save him, you can’t blame yourself for failing.”

“I know that...”

“Then why did you say it’s your fault?”

“Because it _is_ my fault,” said Poe. “I was reaching out to him, trying to grab his hand, and... I panicked. I didn’t know if I was gonna be able to save him, I thought it was my last chance, so I.... I told him I loved him.”

Both girls stared at him incredulously.

“You told him you loved him?” Rey said.

“While he was dangling off a cliff?” said Jessika.

“Yeah....”

“You melodramatic idiot!” Rey exclaimed.

“Oh thanks,” said Poe.

“She’s right,” said Jessika. 

“Now you’re ganging up on me too?” 

“You’re an impulsive drama queen and you know it,” Jessika said.

“Really, was that the _best_ time?” Rey said.

“You two are really good at sympathy, you know that?” Poe said sarcastically.

“.....Sorry,” said Rey.

“Sorry,” Jessika echoed.

“It’s fine, you’re both right,” Poe sighed. “It just sort of slipped out... I just can’t help feeling responsible... if I hadn’t said it... just that one second would have made all the difference...”

Rey took his hand.

“You can’t dwell on it, Poe. You can’t change what happened,” she said. “What you _can_ do is not beat yourself up over it. Finn’s alive, everything’s gonna be okay.”

 

An hour and a half had passed. Jessika had long since left to report to General Organa, leaving Poe and Rey to sit outside the medcenter and wait for news of Finn. Neither of them spoke. They just sat in tense silence, glancing up at the medcenter door far too often, waiting for it to open.

At long last, one of the doctors stepped out into the hall.

“We figured you two would be out here,” she said.

“How is he?” Rey asked.

“He’ll be alright,” the doctor replied. “You can go in and see him.”

They didn’t need telling twice. Finn was propped up in bed, covered in bandages and looking groggy, but awake and very much alive. Poe stood at his bedside as though frozen, staring at him nervously. Then Finn smiled and he immediately broke down crying. Rey quickly pushed a chair under him to save him from falling as he went to sit down.

“What did I do?!” Finn said in a panic.

“You nearly died, genius,” said Rey. “But don’t worry about it, he’s been on and off like this for two hours.”

“So I should probably make a note _not_ to fall off anymore cliffs in the future.”

“Yeah, I’d appreciate that,” Poe said.

He dried his eyes and took a deep breath, then looked at Finn.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, it’s been a rough day,” said Finn. “Hell, it’s been a rough two weeks.”

“No, I meant... about what happened,” said Poe. “Not saving you in time, and.... what I said.”

“Poe...”

“It was the wrong time. I panicked. I shouldn’t have said it then.”

“Poe, it’s okay-”

“I meant it though.”

Finn smiled at him so tenderly that Poe had to bite his lip to keep from crying again.

“I know,” he said.

“Really?”

“Look, it was pretty obvious in your little speech this morning that you were holding back,” Finn teased.

Poe blushed and looked down at his hands.

“I love you too, y’know,” Finn said.

Poe’s heart skipped a beat and he looked back up at him. 

“No need to look so alarmed, you said it first,” Finn laughed.

“I’m not _alarmed_ , I just...” Poe trailed off.

“Hey, at least _you’re_ sitting down.”

“Yeah, rather than hanging off a cliff,” Poe said, cringing apologetically.

“That was pretty bad timing,” Finn said.

“Yeah, well, I _am_ a melodramatic idiot.”

Poe smirked at Rey, who rolled her eyes and laughed.

“So,” said Finn. “What happened after I took the tumble?”

“Honestly, we don’t really know,” said Rey. “We were both up on the ridge when it ended and then we’ve been sitting out in the hall ever since.”

“I’m assuming we won though, since everything seems to be normal,” Poe added.

Just then, one of the doctors came over.

“Sorry Commander Dameron, Miss Rey,” he said. “But the patient needs rest. You can come visit again in the morning.”

“Oh, of course,” said Rey. She stood up and leaned over to kiss Finn on the forehead. “I’m glad you’re alright. Get some sleep.”

“Thanks Rey,” said Finn. “See you tomorrow?”

“You bet.”

She stepped back to wait for Poe to say good night. Poe didn’t want to leave Finn’s side, didn’t want to take his eyes off him for a second. But he also didn’t want to feel the wrath of the Resistance doctors. He’d experienced it before on more than one occasion and it was never fun.

“It’s not your fault that I fell, you know,” Finn said quietly.

“That’s what everybody keeps saying...” Poe said.

“That’s ‘cause it’s true.”

Poe sighed.

“Just keep telling me ‘til I believe it then,” he said.

“Challenge accepted,” said Finn.

Poe smiled sadly at him and leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. 

“Get better fast, okay?” he whispered.

“I’ll try,” Finn replied.

Poe stood up and looked fondly at him one more time before following Rey out of the medcenter. They walked together towards the barracks, neither speaking for several minutes. Then Rey broke the silence.

“You know you’re gonna have to tell him about what happened with Kylo Ren.”

“What, that I dueled him and didn’t die?” Poe said.

Rey shot him a look.

“You know what I mean,” she said.

Poe sighed. He did know _exactly_ what she meant. He’d just rather avoid the subject. 

“Look, Rey, it was a heat of the moment thing, I was taunting him, I-” 

“You threw aside the only weapon you had,” Rey interrupted. “You flat out told him to kill you, you _screamed_ it at him.”

“Yeah, I was... being dramatic,” Poe said. “It was for dramatic effect.”

“Oh really? And what were you gonna do when he actually tried to kill you and you had no way of defending yourself? You had no idea Jessika was going to fly in and save you.”

Poe was silent. They had come to a stop now outside the door to Rey’s room. 

“Please tell me you didn’t actually want him to kill you,” Rey said softly.

“I... no... I....” Poe sighed heavily. “I don’t know.”

“Poe...”

“It’s not that I _wanted_ to die, it’s just that I... in that moment, I didn’t care if I did,” Poe admitted. “I thought Finn was dead and that it was my fault, I didn’t know if BB-8 could be fixed, I didn’t know if you were gonna be alright. I’ve only felt that alone one other time in my life. Both times, all I had left was me, standing up against Kylo Ren, and it didn’t feel like much. I’m not good at being alone, Rey. Especially not like that.”

Rey just stared at him, at a loss for words.

“I’m afraid of him, Rey,” Poe continued, his voice so quiet it was barely more than a whisper. “I’m not scared of much, but I’m afraid of him.”

“No one’s gonna judge you for that,” said Rey. “You’ve suffered more at his hand than most people in the Resistance. And you survived.”

“Yeah, and it’s done wonders for my disposition,” Poe said sarcastically.

Rey looked up at him sadly for a moment, then pulled him into a hug. Poe returned the hug, closing his eyes so all he could feel was her comforting embrace.

“Please be kind to yourself,” Rey whispered. “The universe has hurt you enough without you joining in.”

They parted ways for the night without another word. Poe went to his room and closed the door. It felt so empty without Finn and BB-8 there, and he knew it was only going to be worse when he tried to sleep. He got undressed and went into the washroom to clean away the sweat and grim of the battle, returning several minutes later with wet hair and a towel around his waist. He didn’t bother getting dressed again before climbing into bed and pulling the blankets up to his chin. The bed felt huge without Finn next to him; it wasn’t a very large bed and they had always been cramped sharing it, but now that he had all this extra space, he discovered he didn’t want it. All he wanted was Finn curled up at his side, holding him close. 

Poe rolled onto his side and found himself staring at the place where BB-8 would usually be, charging up after a long day. The spot looked so dark and empty, no little light steadily blinking like a star brought to earth. Poe sighed and rolled over again so he was facing the wall, then closed his eyes. This was going to be a long, lonely night. 


	12. Lonely Morning

Poe knelt on the edge of the cliff, reaching out for Finn in desperation.

“Come on, just a bit farther,” he urged.

A low humming seemed to fill his head and was slowly growing, getting closer. He could nearly reach Finn now, their fingertips were almost brushing. Then, in a flash of red, Kylo Ren’s lightsaber swept down and sliced off Poe’s outstretched hand, just as Finn began to fall.

He woke up screaming Finn’s name.

The blankets were tangled around him and he was covered in sweat. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths, trying to slow his racing heart. When he finally managed to calm down, he rolled over onto his side and scowled at the wall.

“Of course I’ve gotta dream about two of the worst moments of my life at the same time,” he muttered bitterly. “Thanks a lot, brain. Why don’t you throw in being tortured and my father dying and have done with it?”

With a heavy sigh, he closed his eyes. But he couldn’t fall back asleep. For hours he tossed and turned, occasionally drifting off for a few seconds only to snap violently awake, his heart pounding anxiously at the anticipation of another nightmare. 

At last, he just gave up. He rolled out of bed and got dressed, not caring that it was still early in the morning and no one would be awake yet. He was about to leave his room when he stopped, staring down at his metal hand. He had so wanted to get used to it, to be able to look down at it without feeling his skin crawl. But he couldn’t, and he felt awful enough without having to deal with that on top of everything else. He went back to his wardrobe and opened a drawer, rummaging around until he found a pair of leather gloves. He pulled the left one on over his metal hand and held it out for inspection. It would suffice. He left the glove’s match in the drawer and walked from the room.

The base was uncannily quiet. The only people awake were security droids and a few unfortunate soldiers on guard duty. Poe wandered the halls for a while, then went outside. It was still dark out, but the sky was beginning to have that pale glow that meant dawn was coming. Poe just wandered aimlessly around the grounds until suddenly he found himself back on the ridge. 

His crashed X-Wing had been moved – to repairs, he hoped – leaving nothing but a large strip of torn-up grass to show it had ever landed there. He hiked farther up then stopped. Not far ahead was the cliff... he wasn’t sure he wanted to go any closer to that place, not when the pain of that moment was still so close. 

He turned away and a faint glint of metal caught his eye. Frowning curiously, he walked toward it and crouched down. It was Rey’s lightsaber. She had forgotten it up there after the battle and never went back to get it, too distracted by concern for her friends. Poe picked it up and turned it over in his hands. He would always admire her skill with this weapon, especially now he knew how hard it was. He hooked the lightsaber to his belt so he could return it to Rey later, then sat down in the grass to wait for the sunrise.

By the time the sun had cleared the horizon, Poe was hungry and a bit cold. He got up and walked back down the hill and went inside, heading for the mess. There were a couple of people already sitting down, having an early breakfast, but Poe didn’t stay to eat. He snatched up a large hunk of bread and went to sit on the bench outside the medcenter until the doctors would let him in to see Finn.

He had long since finished his breakfast when a doctor walked by on her way to work. She noticed him sitting on the bench and stopped.

“Commander Dameron,” she said. “I knew you’d come down here first thing, but you’re earlier than I expected.”

“Couldn’t sleep,” said Poe. 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the doctor said. “Well, I’d better head inside, but I’ll let you know when you can come in and see him.”

“Thanks.”

She disappeared through the door, leaving Poe once again alone in the hall.

It was another half hour before he was let in. Finn was sitting up in bed, already looking a little better than the night before. 

“Good morning,” Poe said, leaning in to kiss Finn’s forehead before sitting down. “How’re you feeling?”

“Well, my whole body hurts, but not as much as yesterday. So I guess that’s an improvement,” said Finn. “How are you?”

Poe shrugged.

“I’ve been worse.”

“What’s wrong?” Finn asked, frowning.

“I just didn’t sleep very well,” said Poe. “Don’t worry about me. You’re the one who fell off a cliff.”

“That’s not gonna stop me from worrying,” Finn said. “Come on, tell me what’s wrong.”

Poe sighed, remembering what Rey had said to him last night. He knew he would have to tell Finn what had happened on the ridge eventually. He had just hoped he could put it off a little while longer.

“It’s a few things, really,” he said. “There’s the obvious ones – you falling, BB-8 nearly getting blown up. And... I had another nightmare last night... about you dying, and Kylo Ren... that’s why I couldn’t sleep... and then...”

He trailed off, staring resolutely at his knees so he wouldn’t have to see the look on Finn’s face when he told him what happened. 

“Yesterday, after you fell,” he continued. “Kylo Ren cornered me. Rey stepped in, but he knocked her down, disarmed her, so I grabbed her lightsaber and fought him.”

“You fought Kylo Ren? With a lightsaber?” Finn said, impressed.

“I was kind of terrible,” Poe admitted.

“That’s not what’s got you down, though, is it?”

“No...” Poe took a deep breath to prepare himself. “He was taunting me, saying that we could never win, that he’d crush us or whatever... and well... I guess I... I gave up. I threw away the lightsaber and told him to kill me.”

Finn said nothing and Poe just kept staring at his knees. The silence quickly became unbearable and he looked up to find Finn staring at him, sad and confused.

“Why?” Finn said at last.

“I don’t know,” said Poe quietly. “It’s not that I want to be dead. Or wanted to be dead then. Or at least, I don’t think I wanted it. I had just lost the three people I care about most in the galaxy, or I thought I had. I was alone and scared and... I just lost hope. I’m sorry.”

“No. You don’t have to apologize for that,” said Finn. “You don’t have to apologize for being scared and in pain and wanting it to stop. It’s not wrong or weak, it’s just human.”

Poe bit his lip to stop it from trembling and swallowed back the lump in his throat.

“You have no idea how glad I am that you’re alive,” he said, his voice cracking from trying not to cry.

“If it’s anything like how glad I am that _you’re_ alive, then I can imagine it pretty well,” said Finn. “Give me your hand. It’s the only part of you I can hold right now.”

Poe smiled and slipped his hand into Finn’s. 

“I love you,” he said.

Finn smiled back.

“I love you too.”


	13. Loneliest Nights

The next several nights, Poe slept anywhere but his own bed. Once everyone had gone to bed, he would take a blanket and find someplace new in the base to sleep each night. He slept in common areas, on benches, even in his X-Wing one night (this turned out to be a mistake, as it was a very cold night and he then spent half the morning shivering). He knew what he was doing was stupid, but just the thought of sleeping in his bed alone made his stomach churn with anxiety. He needed Finn to keep away the nightmares, so as long as Finn was in the hospital, his bed would remain empty.

 

Six nights after the First Order’s attack, Poe brought his blanket into the command center and curled up under one of the holocomputers. He knew it was a bad idea, but he was running out of new places that weren’t corridors, and this whole migrating thing was a bad idea anyway and to be honest, he just really didn’t care much anymore.

He woke up the next morning to find C-3P0 standing over him and knew immediately that he was in for it. 

“Oh dear, Commander Dameron!” C-3P0 exclaimed. “I’m so sorry to wake you. Whatever are you doing in here?”

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t be in here...” Poe said, sitting up.

“3P0, did you just say Commander Dameron’s in here?”

“Ah shit.....” Poe muttered.

A second later, General Organa came around the corner.

“Dameron, what are you doing?” she said. Her eyes fell on the blanket. “Were you in here all night?”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Poe. “I know I shouldn’t have. It won’t happen again. I’m sorry.”

General Organa came over and knelt on the floor in front of him, frowning.

“Why weren’t you sleeping in your room? Is everything alright?” she asked.

Poe didn’t answer right away. He trusted the general, looked up to her, idolized her even. He wanted to tell her what was wrong, but he also was terrified of letting her down.

“I... I’ve been having bad dreams,” he said. “Finn’s able to calm me down afterward, but he’s in the hospital still and... well, I kinda haven’t slept in my own bed for five days.”

“So you’ve been sleeping in the command center all week?”

“No, that was just today. I’m sorry, ma’am, I really shouldn’t have done it....”

“It’s alright, Poe,” General Organa said. “Though I do recommend you try sleeping in a real bed again.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I actually have some news for you that might lift your spirits,” she continued. “They’re finished repairing your droid. You can pick him up any time you like.”

“Really? BB-8’s fixed?” Poe said, lighting up.

“Yes. And I hear he’s quite eager to see you.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

 

Poe stopped by his room to drop of his blanket and change his clothes, then went to the droid maintenance facility. When he arrived, the mechanic turned to greet him.

“Good morning, Commander Dameron,” she said. “I take it you’re here for BB-8.”

“Of course. You fixed him up alright?” Poe said.

“He’s good as new. He’s actually been pestering me about when you were coming to pick him up.”

_Poe!_

Poe turned at the sound of excited beeping just as BB-8 rolled up to him. He crouched down to greet the droid, grinning from ear to ear.

“Hey buddy, how you feeling?” he said.

_All better_ , BB-8 replied. _Did you miss me?_

“More than anything,” said Poe.

_Is everyone okay?_

“Yeah. Finn got hurt, but he’ll get better.”

_What about you? Are you okay?_

“I’m a little better now.”

Poe kissed the top of BB-8’s head and stood up, turning to the mechanic.

“Thanks again for fixing my droid,” he said. 

“My pleasure,” she replied.

“Alright, buddy, what d’you say we go find Rey?” Poe said.

BB-8 bleeped excitedly again and the pair left the room. Poe was feeling lighter than he had in days now that he had his friend back. They went to the mess, where they found Rey and Jessika sitting together eating breakfast. Poe got some food and went to join them, BB-8 on his heels. When he set down his plate, both girls looked up at him in surprise.

“Poe!” Rey gasped. “What’re you... I mean... I thought you’d already be sitting outside the medcenter waiting to see Finn.”

“Yeah, well, BB-8 got released from maintenance this morning, so I stopped by there first thing and I thought he’d like to see you,” said Poe.

_Rey!_ BB-8 beeped, rolling over to her.

Rey got out of her seat to say hello to the droid.

“How are you doing?” Jessika asked Poe. “Nobody’s seen you in days. Except Finn.”

“I’m.... I dunno,” said Poe. “I haven’t been sleeping much. Or eating much. Or doing anything much, to be honest.”

“We noticed,” said Jessika. “You’ve been pretty distant.”

“Sorry about that,” Poe said. “I just... haven’t been handling things very well and I guess I kinda cut everybody off.”

“Just a little bit,” Rey said sarcastically, sitting back down. “I’ve had to pester Finn to figure out if you’re even alive.”

“Sorry,” Poe said again. “That was a rather stupid move, wasn’t it?”

“For someone who told me the other day that he doesn’t do well alone?” said Rey. “Yeah, not your best idea. Jessika and I could’ve been helping you, we would’ve been there for you if you’d let us.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“We forgive you,” said Jessika. “Now eat your breakfast or you’re gonna wither away.”


	14. Descent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for attempted suicide

Two days later, Finn was let out of the hospital. His right arm was in a sling and there were still a few cuts and bruises, but otherwise he was good as new. Poe, Rey, and BB-8 came to greet him when he was let out, and they were all thrilled to see him on his feet again. Poe dashed forward the second Finn stepped out the door, threw his arms around his neck, and kissed him like they hadn’t seen each other in weeks.

Poe spent the rest of the day feeling like he was walking on clouds. He couldn’t take his eyes off Finn, couldn’t stop holding his hand, finding any excuse to touch him and prove to himself that Finn really was here and alive and perfectly fine. A little nagging voice in the back of his head kept trying to tell him that he was probably being annoying, but Finn crushed that little voice every time almost as if he could hear it. He clung to Poe’s hand as tightly as Poe clung to his, leaned against him so their bodies were practically holding each other upright, placed sweet little kisses on his face every time Poe gave him a particularly dopey grin. Honestly, if anyone were to be annoyed with their behavior, it would be Rey.

By the time night arrived, Poe had all but forgotten about the possibility of nightmares. He was just so glad to have Finn back with them, that Finn was okay. They climbed into bed together and curled up close.

“I’ve missed you,” Poe murmured. “I had way too much room in this damn bed without you in it. I didn’t know what to do with all the extra space.”

Finn laughed, his breath tickling against Poe’s face.

“And here I was thinking we should request a bigger bed,” he said.

“Naw, we should definitely get a bigger bed,” said Poe. “But I sure as hell ain’t sleeping in it alone.”

“You won’t have to,” said Finn. “I’m not going anywhere.”

They soon fell asleep, and at first it seemed like Poe might sleep through the night for once. But then the crackling hum of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber crept back into his dreams and Finn was falling and Poe was jolted violently awake, his face wet with sweat and tears. But this time, Finn was beside him.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here,” Finn said, pushing Poe’s damp curls out of his face. “You’re safe, we’re both safe.”

Poe lay there and let Finn stroke his hair until his breathing slowed to normal, then curled into a ball and buried his face in Finn’s chest.

“I’d hoped they would stop,” he said, voice muffled by Finn’s t-shirt. “Or at least not be as bad. Once you got back, I mean. But I didn’t even last one night.”

“Were they bad while I was gone?” Finn asked.

Poe nodded.

“Really bad. Especially since I didn’t have this afterward.”

Finn held him tighter with his good arm and kissed the top of his head.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know.”

 

Poe had hoped, perhaps foolishly, that the nightmares might fade out as time went on now that he had Finn with him again. But they didn’t. They kept coming, night after night, and every night, Finn held him and comforted him long after he’d managed to fall back asleep. 

“I’m sorry I keep waking you up,” Poe said after the fourth night in a row. “You’re probably sleeping worse than I am.”

“It’s okay. I want to help you,” said Finn. 

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Of course you do. Now sleep.”

But he couldn’t sleep, he never could. It took him longer and longer each time to fall back asleep after his nightmares, no matter how tightly Finn held him. The sleep deprivation and anxiety about the dreams quickly started to leech into the rest of his life again. The doe-eyed, smiling version of him that he’d been the day Finn was released seemed like less even than a distant memory, it was like a hallucination that each day he doubted more than the last had ever been real. 

He could tell his friends were worried about him, but he didn’t have the energy left to relieve their fears. He was tired and irritable and barely spoke except to apologize for snapping at people for no reason. His appetite was all but gone; he ate just enough to keep Finn and Rey from worrying more than they already were.

 

A week and a half had passed since Finn was let out of the hospital. Poe couldn’t remember ever feeling more exhausted. He wanted the dreams to stop, to get a full night’s sleep, to stop being tormented by his metal hand and cliff edges and the hum of lightsabers. He wanted to be okay again, to be able to live a life with Finn that didn’t involve nightmares and panic attacks, a life where Finn didn’t have to take care of him constantly. But he couldn’t see a way to get it. He had sunk too deep into this pit of misery to find a way out.

Poe was already lying in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, when Finn came back from the shower. He couldn’t even dredge up the energy to sneak a glance at Finn as he got dressed, something that he certainly would have been able to do last week. He barely reacted when Finn climbed over him to get into bed.

“Are you okay?” Finn asked.

“Not really, but what else is new,” said Poe.

He rolled over and draped his arm over Finn’s waist, pulling their bodies close together.

“I’m worried about you,” said Finn.

“I know,” Poe sighed. “But I dunno how to fix it. I’ve tried waiting it out, but that’s only making it worse. So... well, like I said. I don’t know.”

Finn gently lifted Poe’s chin and kissed him.

“We’ll figure it out together, okay?” he said. 

“Okay.”

They slowly fell asleep, still wrapped in each other’s arms. A few hours passed, but to Poe it felt like minutes. That horrible red light and crackling hum filled his head and the sound of Finn crying his name mingled with his own scream of agony. And then he was awake and drenched in sweat, and he might have actually screamed because his throat felt raw and the sobs that were soon muffled by Finn’s shirt were hoarse. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Finn said soothingly, reciting the same mantra he had every night.“I’m here, you’re safe, we’re both safe. Nobody’s gonna hurt you, you’re safe, it’s okay.”

“I just want it to stop, Finn,” Poe sobbed. “I just want it to stop.”

“I know,” said Finn. “I know. And it will. We’ll figure it out, we’ll find a way to make it stop. I promise, Poe. You’re gonna be okay. I promise.”

They stayed like this for what felt like ages, but Poe couldn’t seem to calm down. The initial hurricane had died down, but he couldn’t stop shaking, his heart wouldn’t stop racing. Eventually, Poe emerged from Finn’s shirt and sat up.

“I’m gonna get some water,” he said wearily.

“Do you want me to get it for you?” Finn offered.

“No, it’s fine,” said Poe. “I need to stretch my legs, move around...”

He got out of bed and walked unsteadily to the bathroom, leaving the door open a fraction behind him. He turned on the faucet and splashed some water on his face, then reached for a glass from the shelf. As he picked up the glass, his hand brushed against something else and he froze, staring at it – a bottle of painkillers. Something suddenly clicked in Poe’s brain, something dark and terrifying and so unlike himself it should have scared him. But instead it just made sense. He was in pain and he wanted it to stop. And there was the answer sitting on the shelf in front of him. 

He snatched up the bottle and opened it with shaking hands, pouring out a small handful of pills. Then he grabbed the glass, filled it up, and tossed the pills into his mouth, chasing them down with a big gulp of water. He started to reach for the bottle again, knowing it would take more than a few pills to get the job done, but suddenly he stopped. What the hell was he doing? He didn’t want to _die_ , not really. He wanted to _live_. He just didn’t want to live like _this_. And if he died now, he’d never get a chance to live the life he wanted. 

The half-empty glass slipped from his hand and shattered. Poe staggered back into the wall and slid to the floor, his body shaking with renewed sobs. He didn’t notice Finn come in.

“Poe?”

He looked up, his vision so blurred by tears that Finn was merely a silhouette in the doorway. He blinked a few times, forcing his vision to clear. Finn was taking in the scene, his gaze flickering between Poe, the broken glass, and the open pill bottle on the counter. 

“Poe... Did you-?” Finn sounded terrified and close to tears. “How many did you take?”

“Four or five,” Poe replied quietly. “I didn’t really count.”

“Okay. Not enough to kill you.”

Finn was suddenly kneeling next to him, checking him over. 

“None of the glass bounced up and cut you?” he asked.

Poe shook his head.

“Do you feel sick or dizzy at all?”

“I dunno...”

“It might be too soon to tell. I don’t really know what I’m looking for...” Finn took a deep shaky breath. “Oh god, Poe....”

He was crying now, holding Poe’s face in his hands, kissing every inch of him he could between sobs. Poe reached out for him and Finn pulled him close.

“I’m sorry,” Poe whispered over and over. “I’m so sorry.”

“No no no,” Finn said. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”

“No, I’m not, I’m really not,” said Poe. “I’m a fucking mess, and I dragged you into it and now I... Finn, I’m so sorry...”

They were silent for a while, clinging to each other like they were the only thing holding them to the earth. 

“You should probably go to the medcenter, just in case,” Finn said suddenly. “Like I said, I don’t really know what I’m doing, I just... I don’t want you to get sick.”

Poe nodded but didn’t say anything. He _was_ feeling a little nauseous, but he wasn’t sure how much of that was from the pills and how much was just from all that had happened that night. He rested his head against Finn’s shoulder and closed his eyes for a moment, steadying his breathing as much as he could.

“I love you, Finn,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” Finn said. “Come on.”

He helped Poe up and led him out of the bathroom, stopping briefly to wrap a blanket around Poe’s shoulders before steering him gently into the deserted corridor. Now that he was standing, Poe felt a little dizzy, but he just leaned against Finn and let himself be led to the medcenter. Finn sat him down on a bed when they arrived and quietly explained the situation to the nurse on duty, then came back and sat down next to him while the nurse checked him over, holding Poe’s hand the entire time.


	15. Next Step

The nurse kept Poe in the medcenter for the rest of the night. She encouraged him to sleep, but he couldn’t, so he just lay on his side and held Finn’s hand. Finn fell asleep in the chair next to his bed, his head resting on the edge of the mattress at an angle that couldn’t have been good for his neck. It was only a few hours, but it would do him good and he looked so peaceful, uncomfortable angles aside. Poe just watched him through the haze left by the pills, his brain moving sluggishly as he processed what had happened, what he had done.

He felt horrible just thinking about it. He had never before experienced a true desire to die. A willingness to die if his duty to the Resistance required it, definitely. Indifference to the possibility of death, a few times. But actually actively _wanting_ to die... he had never felt that before tonight, until those horrible twenty seconds when he had wanted it so bad that he actually _tried_ to die. Twenty seconds. That was all the time it took for him to decide to end his life and then change his mind entirely. Twenty brief, fateful seconds that made all the difference in the world and were the reason he was lying in a hospital bed, nauseous and dizzy but alive, watching Finn sleep.

Finn. _Oh Finn_. Poe really wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve him. Somewhere along the way, he must have done something good enough for the universe to allow such a wonderful man to fall in love with him. As he lay there watching him, Poe felt suddenly ridiculous for ever wanting to leave a life that still had Finn in it.

 

When morning came, the nurse released Poe with an order to visit the psych ward that afternoon.

“I’m not gonna do it again,” he assured her.

“Commander Dameron, attempted suicide is not the only reason you need to go to psych,” the nurse said. “It isn’t my field of expertise, but you’re clearly suffering, and it would do you good. Honestly, you probably should have gone to psych weeks ago.”

“But-”

“Doctor’s orders, Commander Dameron.”

Poe sighed and followed Finn out of the medcenter. 

“Why don’t you want to go to psych?” Finn asked. “She’s right, they could help you.”

“I can’t,” Poe insisted.

“Why not?”

“Because.... because if I go to psych, I’ll never fly again.”

Finn stared at him.

“How do you work that out?” he said.

“Everyone I’ve ever known who’s gone to psych has had to leave the Resistance,” said Poe. “They couldn’t handle it anymore. And I can’t let that happen to me. I can’t leave the Resistance, I can’t leave _you_.”

“You’re not everyone, Poe,” said Finn. “You’re not gonna have to leave. And if you don’t go to psych, what’ll happen to you will be worse than leaving could ever be. They can _help_ you.”

“You’ve been helping me just fine.”

“‘Just fine’?” Finn repeated incredulously. “Poe... you tried to _kill_ yourself!”

“You’re able to calm me down after my nightmares and panic attacks,” said Poe. “No one else could do that.”

“Yeah, I know how to do that because I know you and love you and can comfort you,” said Finn. “What if something like last night happens again? What if it’s worse next time? I don’t know how to deal with that, I don’t know how to talk someone down from a ledge. Poe, if I failed...”

“There won’t be a next time.”

“How can you know that?” Finn demanded. “If you just let this go on the same as it has been, then there’s bound to be a next time and it’s bound to be worse and I _told_ you, I don’t know how I’m supposed to save you from that. Watching you fall apart these last few weeks has been the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me, and I was a stormtrooper, for fuck’s sake. I want to help you, but I can’t make the nightmares go away. These people might be able to help you where I can’t. Please, Poe, give it a chance.”

“And if I end up having to leave the Resistance?” Poe said quietly.

“Then I’ll go with you.”

Poe stared at him.

“W-what? You mean... are you serious? You’d do that?” he said.

“In a heartbeat,” Finn replied.

“Okay,” Poe said at last. “I’ll do it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Finn stared at him a moment, then pulled him into a hug. Poe returned the embrace, burying his face in the base of Finn’s neck.

“You’re a real blockhead sometimes, you know that?” Finn said.

“Yeah, I know,” said Poe.

They pulled apart and Finn gave him a quick kiss. 

“Finn! Poe!” 

They both turned at the sound of their names to find Rey jogging down the hall toward them, followed by BB-8.

“You guys weren’t at breakfast and I got worried, so I went by your room and you weren’t there so I got more worried, but BB-8 was there and he said that you were sick, Poe,” said Rey all in one breath. “Is everything alright, are you better now?”

Poe sighed and looked down at the floor. He knew the questions would have started coming eventually. Word traveled fast around the base and it would only be a matter of time before rumors started flying about. Rey, at least, he trusted with the truth.

“I’ll be okay, I... I took some pills last night,” he said. “More than I should have.”

“On accident?” Rey asked, and when Poe looked at her he saw a terrified pleading in her eyes. “It was an accident, right?”

“No.”

Poe wasn’t sure whether Rey’s crestfallen face or BB-8’s sad little bleep broke his heart more. He instinctively grabbed Finn’s hand for comfort. Finn was right. He needed to fix this. He was tired of making his friends the collateral damage of his suffering.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

Rey stepped forward wordlessly and pulled him into a hug. Poe hugged her back and sighed. 

“I don’t want to die,” he went on. “I just want to stop feeling like this.”

“I know,” said Rey. 

“I’m gonna get help. Finn convinced me to. This isn’t gonna happen again, I promise.”

 

Afternoon came. Finn and Rey went with Poe to the psych ward, promising to wait outside for him until he was done.

“It’s gonna be fine, Poe,” Finn said.

“Yeah, that’s what I say to my team before they get blown up,” said Poe.

“You’re just gonna sit and talk to a guy who’s gonna help you. Nothing to be scared of.”

“Talking about my problems, yeah, that’s not absolutely terrifying...”

“Poe, you promised.”

“I know,” Poe sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m just... nervous...”

“That’s okay. Nervous is fine,” said Finn.

He gave Poe a kiss and smiled.

“Now get in there before I have to push you,” he said. “We’ll be right here when you get back.”

Poe nodded and took a deep, steadying breath. Then he turned and walked through the door.


	16. The Waiting Room

As the door slid shut with Poe on the other side, Finn and Rey sat down on a bench to wait. They were quiet for a little while. Finn rubbed absentmindedly at a knot in his shoulder while Rey twisted at a stray lock of her hair. 

“How are you holding up?” she asked suddenly, folding her hands in her lap and turning to him.

“Well... I’m okay, I guess,” said Finn. “About how you’d expect a man who’s spent the last three weeks watching his boyfriend fall apart at the seams to be holding up.”

“So when you said you’re okay a moment ago, you were lying?”

“Yeah, I guess I was.”

Finn sighed and turned to look at her.

“It’s just hard, you know? Poe’s always been... this bright light, untouchable. Yeah, he’d have his down moments, but he’d bounce back. And now...”

“I have a feeling he never really bounced back from those down moments as well as we thought,” Rey said sadly.

“Me too. It all just piled up,” said Finn. “And then so much bad stuff happened in such a short amount of time...”

“He cracked under the strain of it all,” said Rey. “There was just too much bad.”

“Yeah...”

They fell silent again for a moment, then Finn spoke up again.

“I just wish I could have done more for him. Every time he wakes up screaming and crying... I feel so helpless. I can hold him and calm him down, but I can’t make the nightmares go away. That’s all I want to do. Make his pain go away. And I can’t.”

“I know,” said Rey, taking his hand. 

“What about you?” Finn asked. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m alright. Worried about him mostly,” said Rey. “I mean, you’re right in the thick of it, but I’ve just been watching from the sidelines. I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know how bad it really was until today.”

“I didn’t even realize it had gotten _that_ bad until I walked in there and....” Finn trailed off. A lump had formed in his throat and he couldn’t keep going.

“If... if it’s okay to ask... how did you find him?” Rey said nervously. “What happened?”

Finn swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

“It was the middle of the night, he’d had a nightmare again,” he said. “It was worse this time, he couldn’t calm down... he went into the bathroom for some water and... well, after a minute I heard a glass shatter so I went to c-check on him and he was sitting there sobbing and there was a b-bottle of painkillers on the counter... he hadn’t had that many but I d-didn’t know that at first and... he just looked so broken, Rey. He looked terrified, and that scared me almost as much as the pills did.”

He had tried so hard to keep the tears back, but telling Rey what had happened last night was like reliving that horrible moment all over again. The helpless sorrow of trying to comfort Poe to no avail, the anxious anticipation as he walked to the bathroom, the numbing shock of realizing what Poe had tried to do. All of it flooded back and he was grateful it was just Rey beside him because he couldn’t be strong anymore, not when he’d been just a few pills shy of losing Poe, not when he kept seeing Poe looking up at him so hopeless and scared. 

Rey wrapped her arms around him and Finn sank into the embrace, practically collapsing on her shoulder, too overcome by sorrow and exhaustion to hold himself up any longer.


	17. A Chance to Live

Poe stood in the doorway nervously, not really sure how to announce his presence to the blue skinned man bent over his desk. The door slid shut behind him with a quiet click and the man turned around. 

“Ah, Poe Dameron, I presume?” he said, getting up with his hand outstretched.

“Yes,” said Poe, shaking his hand. “Doctor Faroll?”

“The one and only,” said the doctor. “Do sit down.”

Poe took a seat and glanced around the room, bouncing his leg anxiously.

“So,” the doctor said. “I understand you’re having some trouble.”

“It’s why everyone’s forcing me here, ain’t it?” Poe said dryly.

“Well yes. Your friends are worried about you. And the events of last night all but required you to pay me a visit. So could you tell me what’s wrong?”

“I lost my hand and ever since then, with the exception of finally telling my best friend I’m in love with him, my life has gone spectacularly down hill,” said Poe. “We done?”

“Not quite,” said Faroll. “We’re going to need to go a bit more in depth than that. You’re here so I can help you, remember? Now, you mention your hand as pretty much the catalyst for everything that’s effecting you. So let’s start with that. The one you lost, was it your dominant hand?”

Poe sighed impatiently.

“No.”

“Alright. And I notice you’re wearing a glove over your prosthetic.”

“Yeah.”

“You know, I’m going to need a little more than monosyllabic answers to some of these questions,” Faroll said with a wry smile. “Could you tell me why you’re wearing a glove?”

“Because I don’t like seeing the metal hand,” said Poe, rather grudgingly. 

“So you’re hiding it from yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Not from other people?”

“I guess not.”

“You know,” Faroll said. “If it’s bothering you that much, they can make you a prosthetic that looks just like a real hand, synthetic skin and nerves and everything.”

Poe looked down at his knees.

“I know, I just... I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

“Who says you’d be causing trouble?”

“The doctors have got enough on their plates, and the Resistance hasn’t got a whole lot of money to spend on prosthetics and operations, they don’t need me waltzing in there begging for a new hand ‘cause I don’t like the one they gave me. This one’s functional, it should be enough. They should focus on saving lives.”

“You’re willing to sacrifice your mental and emotional health.... because you don’t want to be a bother to anyone?” the doctor said.

“Sure, I guess you could say that.”

Faroll sighed and leaned forward.

“Poe, I promise you, asking for this won’t cause any trouble for anyone. It’s the doctors’ job to help you and give you operations if needed, just like it’s my job to sit here and help you work out what’s wrong. And if it’s the Resistance’s budget you’re really worried about, if you’re worried getting the parts and technology needed for that kind of prosthetic will be too expensive, then I can pretty confidently guarantee you that General Organa would be willing to send you to some other system with high class medical centers to have the operation there.”

Poe looked back up at him, feeling conflicted.

“Really?” he said.

“Yes, really,” said Faroll. “Think about it. You’ve got all the time you need to make a decision. In the meantime, let’s figure out what else is bothering you. Like you said, you lost your hand and everything went downhill from there. So obviously we’ve got a lot to work with.”

Poe sighed again.

“Is this gonna take long?”

“You got somewhere to be?”

“....No.”

“Then it’s gonna take as long as it’s gonna take.”

“Fine. What’s next?” Poe said.

“I’m told you’ve been having nightmares,” Faroll said.

“Yeah...”

“Can you tell me about them?”

“They’re usually about losing my hand,” Poe said.

“Usually?” Faroll repeated. “And what about the rest of the time?”

“Well... ever since the First Order’s attack... let me start over,” said Poe. “When the First Order attacked, Finn nearly died falling off a cliff because I failed to save him. So... ever since then, that’s been added to my dreams. Along with Kylo Ren cutting off my hand. You can see why I’m not sleeping so great.”

“Well, I suppose it’s pretty obvious that both of those were very traumatic experiences for you,” said Faroll. “It’s only natural you would have a dream or two about them. But according to Finn, these nightmares have been getting more and more frequent.”

“Every night this week so far,” Poe said wearily.

“And now we get down to it. This week,” said the doctor. “What happened this week? Start from the beginning.”

“Finn was let out of the hospital,” said Poe. “While he was still in there, I... I couldn’t sleep in my own bed, not without him, not without having nightmares. So I kinda roamed, I slept in a different place every night. I thought when Finn got back, I’d be able to sleep again but... the nightmares kept coming. He helped me to fall back asleep after them, but he couldn’t keep them away. And then, over the last week... everything just sort of piled up. I’ve been depressed and on edge ever since I lost my hand, and then I nearly lost Finn and no matter what everyone says I can’t help but blame myself for him falling. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since before the First Order attacked. It all became too much.”

“But what happened, Poe?”

“You know what happened.”

“I know that I do. But I want _you_ to tell me. So go on. What happened last night?”

Poe looked down at his hands. His right hand was trembling so he clenched it into a fist to steady it. 

“I....I took some pills,” he said, barely loud enough to hear. “I’d had another nightmare, it wasn’t any worse than the others but... I guess it was the last straw. Finn tried to calm me down a bit, but it wasn’t really working so I went into the bathroom for some water and... the pills were just sitting there on the shelf. Painkillers. I don’t know what came over me, I just grabbed the bottle and.... well, I obviously didn’t get very far. I only took like four pills before I lost my nerve.”

“How did Finn find you?” Faroll asked.

“I dropped the water glass, he heard it shatter and came to check on me...”

“And what made you stop? Why didn’t you keep taking the pills?”

“Because... I realized I didn’t actually want to die,” said Poe. “I want to live. I just don’t wanna live how I have been.”

“How do you want to live?”

Poe thought for a moment before answering.

“I want to live well,” he said. “I want to fight for what I’ve got. I want to help the Resistance, to save the galaxy. I want a life with Finn. I want a real relationship with him, not just sharing a bed so he can drag me out of nightmares every night.”

“What do you mean by a real relationship?” Faroll asked. “What kind of life do you want with him?”

“How much detail do you want me to go into?” said Poe with a half smile. “‘Cause I’ve thought about this a lot.”

“As much detail as you’re comfortable with.”

“Well... there’s this one hill on the base where you can see everything. I want to make lunch for him one day and take him up there just the two of us. And someday when we’ve got the time, I wanna show him where I grew up, and take him all the places in the galaxy he’s ever dreamed of seeing,” Poe said. “I want to tell him I love him every day, and not just because one of us might be dying. And... eventually.... when we’re both ready... I wanna have sex with him. And maybe someday.... I’ll ask him to marry me.”

Blushing, Poe stared at his knees and bit his lip. He had daydreamed about all these things separately, but he had never said them aloud before and he had never thought about them all at once, as a whole. Now that he had, an entire future seemed to spread out in front of him like a field and he could clearly see the life he wanted on the other side.

“Sounds like you’ve got a hell of a life to fight for,” Faroll said.

“Yeah. I’ve just got a hell of a fight to get through before I can live it,” said Poe.

“You don’t have to ‘get over’ what’s happened to you in order to live your life,” said Faroll. “You may never fully get over it. The consequences of these traumas will always be with you in some form. If you waited until you left them behind, you would never get the chance to live.”

“Then what do I do?”

“You live that life in spite of it,” Faroll replied. “You heal by living. And by continuing to come to me or another expert who can help you, of course.”

Poe chuckled.

“Y’know, I was pretty against coming here,” he said. “But turns out you’re not so bad.”

“I’m glad of that.”

“So what comes next?” Poe asked. “How do I start?”

“I think you need some time away, to recover,” Faroll said. “Not permanently, but just a few weeks away from the Resistance. Living on a military base, there’s always tension, anticipation of attack, and I don’t think that environment has been very good for you lately. So I recommend you take a short leave. Like I said, just a few weeks would do you good. You can even take Finn with you, if he’d like.”

“Just a few weeks. Not forever,” Poe clarified.

“Of course. Everyone knows how important the Resistance is to you. Not to mention your skills have made you quite indispensable,” said Faroll. “How do you feel about Coruscant? I have a colleague there who’s loyal to the Resistance and an expert on trauma, so you’ll be able to go to her while you’re there to continue this treatment. I can talk to General Organa, make sure you’re cleared to go, and find accommodations for you.”

“And Finn can come too?”

“If he wants to.”

“Okay,” said Poe. “I’ll talk to him, and if he’s okay with it, then I’ll go.”

“Very good,” said Faroll. “Maybe you can make that little picnic you talked about and ask him then.”

Poe smiled.

“Yeah. Maybe I will.”


	18. A New Adventure

That evening, Poe filled up a bag with lots of food, gathered up a small bouquet of wild flowers from the edge of the base, and went to wait nervously by the front door where he and Finn had agreed to meet. He didn’t know why he was nervous really. He knew Finn loved him, it wasn’t like he had the fate of their relationship hanging in the balance. But this _was_ their first real date and he had a pretty big question to ask, so he figured that could be a contributing factor.

Just then, Finn arrived, smiling bashfully with his hands in his pockets.

“Hey,” said Poe with a shy grin.

“Hey,” said Finn.

“I, uh... I brought you these.”

Poe held out the little bouquet. Finn smiled so brightly Poe nearly melted. He took his hands from his pockets and accepted the flowers, smelling them appreciatively before leaning in to give Poe a kiss.

“Thank you,” he said.

“You’re welcome,” said Poe. “Shall we go?”

He held out his gloved left hand and Finn took it, then they stepped outside into the mild evening air. The sun was nearing the horizon and the sky was a vibrant shade of pink. Poe had planned it all out perfectly – by the time they reached the top of the hill, the sun had started to set and they were able to sit in the grass to watch it vanish behind the trees.

As they basked in the last colorful rays of sunlight, Poe started unpacking the food. He looked up to find Finn watching him with a fond smile.

“What are you doing? You’re supposed to be watching the sunset!” Poe teased.

“You’re one to talk,” said Finn.

Poe laughed. 

“Okay okay!”

He abandoned the food and scooted over to sit right up against Finn, resting his head on his shoulder. Finn pressed a gentle kiss to Poe’s hairline, then they sat in silence to watch the sun. When the sky had faded to a pale pink and the sun had slipped out of view, they turned away and Poe went back to unpacking their dinner. He uncorked the wine and poured them each a glass, handing one to Finn before taking a sip of his own.

“So, what’s this all about?” Finn asked.

“It’s about a lot of things,” said Poe. “First and foremost, it’s about the fact that we haven’t had a single date and we’ve been together for two weeks.”

“Most of which I spent in the hospital, so we’ve got a good excuse,” Finn interjected.

“Good point. Second, it’s sort of an elaborate apology for all the shit I’ve put you through lately. And third, I’ve, uh... there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Uh oh,” said Finn. “Should I be nervous?”

“No, not at all,” Poe replied. “It’s actually... well... an attempt at me getting better.”

“So what is it?”

“Doctor Faroll suggested that I should take some time away from the Resistance,” said Poe. “Just a couple of weeks. He needs to clear it with General Organa first, but I don’t see why she’d say no, so... well, I’m probably going to Coruscant for a little while. And I was wondering if you would go with me.”

“Of course,” said Finn without a moment’s hesitation.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. I want to be with you, Poe. And besides, I’ve never been to Coruscant.”

Poe grinned and set down his wine glass, then threw his arms around Finn’s neck and kissed him, tackling him to the ground. 

 

***

 

Three days later, Poe and Finn had packed their bags and loaded them onto a shuttle. General Organa had cleared them to go to Coruscant and had provided them with an apartment there that the Resistance used when they needed to send representatives to the city. They would be gone for a month, and quite honestly, Poe was a little nervous. He had been to Coruscant before but only ever for a few days at a time, and while he didn’t mind big cities, he was usually more for the open country, for forests or jungles like back home on Yavin 4, places with fresh air and quiet clearings. All the same, it would be good to get away, especially with Finn at his side.

Which led to the second reason he was nervous. He and Finn had spent plenty of time alone together, they had been sharing a bed for weeks now, but still, there was something vastly different about this. At the Resistance base, there were always other people, but on Coruscant they would know no one. It would just be Poe, Finn, and BB-8. And somehow there was something very intimate about that, about the domesticity of it. Just them in a little city apartment, no responsibilities, no distractions, no one but them. And for some reason, that made Poe nervous. But it was a good kind of nervous, one of anticipation.

When the time came for them to leave, Rey came out to the tarmac to see them off.

“Call as often as you can,” she said, giving Finn a hug.

“We’ll call so much you’ll get sick of us,” Finn joked.

“Impossible,” said Rey. “You’re going to a planet that’s all one big city! I want to hear everything about it, it sounds mad.”

“It _is_ mad,” said Poe. “Impressive, but absolutely bonkers.”

Rey laughed and came over to give him a hug as well. She lingered a moment before pulling away, her smile slightly sad.

“Take care of yourself,” she said. “Both of you, obviously. But... especially you, Poe.”

“I’ll try,” said Poe.

Rey nodded, then knelt down to say goodbye to BB-8.

“You keep an eye on these boys for me, alright?” she said.

_I will,_ BB-8 promised.

Rey stood back up and looked at them all.

“Well, you best be off,” she said. “Be safe.”

“We will,” Poe and Finn said in unison.

They both gave her one last hug, then boarded the shuttle. Poe climbed into the pilot’s seat and flicked a switch, bringing the engine to life. Once the flight plan was set, he turned to Finn with a smile.

“Looks like it’s time for a new adventure.”


	19. Someplace Normal

Poe had to remind himself to focus on driving as they flew down into Coruscant. Finn was staring out the window at the city with such a beautifully awestruck look that Poe could barely keep his eyes off him. He brought the shuttle down onto the landing pad outside their new apartment and shut off the engine.

“This place is amazing!” Finn exclaimed.

“Just wait ‘til you get to explore it,” said Poe.

They grinned at each other and got up. Poe opened the hatch, then grabbed his bag in one hand and Finn’s hand in the other and they stepped off the shuttle with BB-8 right behind. As they walked into their apartment, Finn suddenly stopped. Poe turned back to him with a little frown.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

“No, it’s just... I’ve never lived like this,” said Finn. “I spent my entire life with the First Order and then when I got out, I was right back on a military base with the Resistance. I’ve never lived anyplace so... normal. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do here.”

Poe smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

“Good thing you got me then,” he said. 

He gave Finn’s hand a little tug and led him farther inside.

“Come on, let’s have a look around.”

The apartment was small but comfortable. There was a little kitchen off the lounge, then a door that led to the bedroom. Poe dropped his bag by the door and dragged Finn over to the bed, laughing as he tackled him onto the mattress.

“Look at how big this bed is!” he said. “We’ve got so much space!”

“And we’re still only gonna sleep in like half of it,” Finn teased.

He rolled them over so Poe was on his back underneath him. Poe’s heart skipped a beat and he gazed up at Finn breathlessly. His playful grin faded to a small, lovestruck smile and he pulled Finn down into a kiss.

 

That evening, they got dinner at a little place around the corner from their apartment, then wandered the streets for a while before heading home. They called Rey when they got back to let her know they’d arrived safely and talked for an hour, then spent the rest of the evening curled up together on the couch, watching the city lights out the window.

Poe had another nightmare that night. Finn was at his side in an instant, as always, stroking his hair and murmuring comforting words. When he managed to stop shaking, Poe rolled onto his back and glared at the ceiling.

“I know it’s stupid,” he said. “But I keep thinking ‘oh, this thing happened so maybe the dreams will stop’. I thought it when you came out of the hospital, I was thinking it would happen now... but no...”

Finn propped himself up on his elbow next to him and sighed.

“It’s never that easy... but you’ll get through this. And I’ll be right here every night to help you.”

Poe smiled up at him gratefully.

“That does make it a little easier.”

 

Poe made them breakfast the next morning, then they went out to explore the city. He had only been to Coruscant a few times and never for long, so he wasn’t the most efficient tour guide, but he was so eager to show Finn everything that getting lost was the last thing on his mind. He and Finn walked hand in hand through the crowds, BB-8 just ahead so he wouldn’t get separated from them.

After dinner that night, they wandered into a rather sleazy bar that Poe swore looked decent from the outside. Rather than admitting his mistake, he shrugged and claimed they were blending in with the locals, then ordered them both drinks.

“You sure this is a good idea?” Finn asked as they sat down at a table. “Last time you got drunk you kinda had a meltdown.”

“I’ll be fine,” said Poe. “I was already a mess last time. But today was a good day for me. I am feeling fantastic and I am going to be a very fun drunk, I promise you.”

_Oh no..._ BB-8 beeped wearily.

“I don’t think BB-8 believes you,” Finn chuckled.

_With good reason._

“What’s he saying?” Finn asked.

“Weeeeell.... last time I got drunk, not counting the meltdown, I kind of... blacked out,” said Poe. “I have no idea what happened, and Jessika won’t tell me which of the tales are true.”

Finn groaned, but it was obvious he was trying not to laugh.

“Please don’t get that drunk again, I am _not_ carrying you home.”

_Neither am I,_ said BB-8.

“Don’t worry, I won’t. I plan on remembering tonight,” said Poe.

“Good.”

They were quiet for a few minutes, watching the other patrons and sipping their drinks.

“So what happened that night?” Finn asked. “I mean, for one thing, why were you so drunk? And why won’t Jessika tell you what happened?”

“It was a victory party with a bunch of the squadron, we flew a particularly good mission and decided to celebrate that night,” said Poe. “I guess I partied a little too hard though and if anyone who was there is telling the truth about even half the things that happened, I embarrassed myself pretty badly. And Jess has been tormenting me with it ever since.”

“What kind of embarrassment are we talking here? Like, falling all over the place or dancing on tables?”

“Literally everything. For example, it is entirely possible that I gave Snap a lap dance. You’d think _he_ would at least tell me the truth, but he won’t. Though to be fair, he might not remember it either,” Poe admitted.

“Pity for him, I’m sure it was an excellent lap dance,” said Finn.

He grinned suggestively at Poe over the top of his drink, which flustered Poe so much he nearly knocked over his glass. He could feel a blush creeping over his cheeks, so in a desperate attempt to hide it, he slammed back the rest of his drink all at once. The alcohol burned the back of his throat and he grimaced, already regretting his decision. He looked over at Finn, who was watching him in amusement.

“How was that?” Finn said.

“It burns. I need another one,” said Poe.

Finn laughed. 

“You want another or are you good?” Poe asked, getting up.

“I’m good for now.”

 

A couple hours and several drinks later, they staggered home arm in arm, BB-8 impatiently making sure they didn’t wander off in the wrong direction. When they finally got back to their apartment, Poe stripped off his jacket and shirt and flopped down onto the bed.

“C’mon, Finn, come cuddle with me,” he said, reaching lazily for Finn.

Finn left his jacket on the floor and hopped onto the bed energetically, then crawled over and straddled Poe, leaning down to give him a kiss. Poe tangled his hands in the fabric of Finn’s shirt and pulled him closer, sneaking his tongue into Finn’s mouth. After a while, they broke breathlessly apart and Finn sat up, still straddling Poe. Poe bit his lip, hoping it wasn’t terribly obvious how turned on he was right now with Finn pinning him down, the taste of his lips still fresh on his tongue. 

“Do you always take off your clothes when you’re drunk?” Finn teased.

“Not always,” said Poe, sitting up so they were chest to chest. “You just have that effect on me.”

Finn blushed and looked down bashfully, his hand trailing down Poe’s left arm to where flesh became metal. Poe followed his gaze and watched as Finn tenderly traced the scars with his thumb. The playful, flirting mood quickly faded and was replaced by something much quieter. 

“You’re so beautiful, Poe,” Finn said suddenly. “I don’t just mean physically, though obviously you’re, like, stupidly good-looking. I mean... you’re so brave and kind even after everything. You’ve been hurt and tortured and it made you miserable, but you’re still so... good.”

Poe smiled and pressed a kiss onto Finn’s cheek.

“I love you so much,” he breathed.

Finn looked up and kissed him, slow and gentle this time, and Poe let his eyes fall shut as he sank into his embrace.


	20. Interrupted

Poe woke up the next morning sprawled on top of the covers. He sat up and noticed Finn still asleep next to him, curled up in a ball with his shirt unbuttoned. Poe smiled, then went to take a shower. When he got back, Finn was gone and the smell of cooking wafted through the apartment. Poe threw on some pants and went out into the kitchen, where Finn was standing nervously over the stove. Poe came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck.

“Good morning,” he said.

“Good morning,” said Finn. “I wanted to make you breakfast but I honestly have no idea what I’m doing...”

“Looks great so far,” said Poe. “Want me to help you finish?”

“That would be amazing, thanks.”

They finished cooking, then went to the kitchen table to eat.

“You’re still foregoing shirts, I see,” Finn chuckled.

“They’re highly overrated,” Poe said with a wink.

They laughed, then turned their attention to breakfast, eating in silence for a few minutes before Finn spoke up again.

“I, uh... noticed that you didn’t have any nightmares last night.”

“Yeah, that’s ‘cause I was drunk,” Poe sighed. “I was out so cold I might as well have been whacked over the head with a metal bat. It was a fluke, I’ll be right back at it tonight. Unless I feel like becoming an alcoholic, which I really don’t want to do...”

“You said you’re gonna be visiting a psych doctor while we’re here, maybe they’ve got something that can help you sleep,” said Finn.

“As much as I’d like not to have to drug myself to feel normal, that might be a good idea. Last night was the first time I’d slept through the night in weeks.”

“Just think of it like taking medicine when you’re sick,” Finn said. “It’s not that much different really.”

“Yeah...” said Poe. “In a way I _am_ sick, I guess.”

“And you’re gonna get better,” Finn assured him. “I promise.”

 

***

 

Two and a half weeks flew by. Poe went to see the psych doctor every few days and had gotten some sleeping pills from her like Finn had suggested. They didn’t stop the dreams entirely and he was often groggy for a few hours after he got up, but they did help him sleep the whole night even when he was woken by a nightmare. He had also scheduled an appointment to have his metal hand replaced with a synthetic one; he may have been starting to get used to the metal hand, but he also knew that it had been the source of his problems from the beginning and that replacing it could help him along the road to recovery much quicker. That was what he wanted most – to get better. 

And he was, slowly. Talking to the doctor helped him process things, realize problems he hadn’t even been aware he had. The pills helped him sleep despite the nightmares. And Finn... he was the best help of all. Just his mere presence filled Poe with a lightness and hope that otherwise might have flickered out like a low-burning candle. 

He kept thinking of those things he’d said to Doctor Faroll, all those things he wanted from a future with Finn, and living here in this apartment, just the two of them and BB-8, those wishes really felt like they could become a reality. Even with the shadow of the First Order ever looming over the galaxy, Poe couldn’t help but hope for a future just like this. Maybe not on Coruscant – it was too busy for him, he’d rather settle down someplace quieter, maybe Naboo or even back home on Yavin 4 – but for once in his action-packed life he didn’t want to keep running and fighting. He just wanted _this_. A neat little apartment of his own, living a quiet and strangely domestic life with his droid and the man he loved. Even if deep down he knew it was all too good to be true.

 

It was a peaceful afternoon. Poe and Finn were sprawled out across the couch, limbs tangled together, basking in the warmth of the sun streaming through the windows. Poe’s eyes were closed, relishing the feeling of Finn draped over him like a blanket, their hearts beating against each other in a syncopated rhythm so every second was filled with that life-giving sound.

Poe was starting to drift off when an unexpected noise jolted him awake – footsteps. Many of them. He sat up very suddenly, jostling Finn off his chest.

“Whoa, what, Poe, what’s-” 

“Shh.”

They were silent for a moment, Poe listening, Finn staring at him in confusion. The footsteps were getting louder.

“Poe, what is it?” Finn whispered.

“Don’t you hear it?”

Finn listened and slowly his eyes grew wide. The footsteps were heading for the apartment, there was no doubt about that now.

“That can’t be good,” he said.

“Blasters. Now,” Poe said urgently.

They scrambled off the couch and hurried into the bedroom, snatching their blasters from the nightstand drawer before returning to the lounge. They stood at a distance from the door, blasters held up and at the ready, waiting.

_What’s going on?!_ BB-8 bleeped anxiously, rolling into the room.

“Stay behind me, buddy,” Poe said. “Try and keep hidden.”

He couldn’t afford to lose BB-8 to whatever or whoever was coming. He couldn’t let that happen. He cast a quick glance over at Finn, who was staring at the door, his chest heaving in anticipation, a few beads of sweat already forming on his forehead. He couldn’t afford to lose Finn either. Especially not Finn. BB-8 would have a chance of being repaired if he got hit by blaster fire. Depending on where he got shot, Finn wouldn’t. 

Poe shook this thought from his mind and turned his focus back to the door. He couldn’t dwell on worry for Finn, not now. He had to stay focused, or else neither of them would make it out of this. Whatever this was. They still had no idea what was coming. Not for long, though. Any second now, that door would burst open. He wouldn’t shoot right away when it did. Of course not. He wasn’t a shoot first, ask questions later sort of guy. Sure, hesitating would open him and Finn up to danger, but he just wasn’t going to risk killing an innocent person out of fear for his own life.

The footsteps stopped, right outside the door. Poe suddenly realized he’d been holding his breath and exhaled sharply. It was mere seconds, and yet it seemed to stretch on for days, the silent anticipation clawing at his insides, making his blaster tremble in his hand. And then the door flew open and he had a split second to register the blaster shot blazing toward him and Finn before he dove out of the way out of sheer instinct. 

He turned to check on Finn and was glad to see that he had dodged the shot too and had already sprung back to his feet, firing shots at their attackers. Poe poked his head out from behind the couch and took aim, trying to figure out who these people were even as he shot at them. They weren’t stormtroopers – in fact, they didn’t look like they were part of the First Order at all. And yet, they had specifically targeted the apartment of two Resistance fighters, had somehow....

Oh. Poe recognized the crest on one of their attackers’ jacket, had seen it once during an undercover mission. These were bounty hunters. Not technically part of the First Order, but undoubtedly hired by them to hunt Poe and Finn down. No wait. Something wasn’t right about that. Poe was just a pilot, the best in the Resistance sure, but still just a pilot. Finn... he was a traitor to the First Order. They were after _him_. Poe was just an extra prize, or collateral damage, depending on how this thing went.

Panic flooding him with this realization, Poe turned to look for Finn. The fight had gotten a bit too up close and personal for Finn, blasters all but forgotten in hand-to-hand combat, when suddenly-

“No!”

Poe vaulted over the couch only to trip spectacularly over the table on the other side. He crashed to the ground, the wind knocked out of him, and looked up just in time to see the bounty hunters drag Finn outside and toss him into the back of a speeder. Grabbing his blaster, Poe scrambled to his feet and ran after them, but they were already in the air. He glanced around the communal landing strip on the balcony and his eyes fell on a speeder, an open-cockpit model that he knew was fast and, more importantly, he knew he could hot-wire in seconds. He leapt into the driver’s seat and yanked up the wires, quickly locating the correct ones and starting the engine. Then he was off.

The afternoon sun made it hard for him to spot the bounty hunters’ speeder at first, but once he did he was after them in a flash. They had too much of a head start for him to truly catch up, no matter how fast his stolen speeder was, so he picked up his blaster and took aim. He had to be careful – if he wasn’t, he could shoot the speeder out of the sky and get Finn killed. All he had to do was damage it enough that they’d be forced to land or risk crashing. No pressure.

Poe took a deep breath and steadied his aim, then pulled the trigger, once, twice, three times. All three blasts hit their mark, but it wasn’t until the last one that the damage was complete. The speeder started to list and dropped several feet, then was forcibly steered toward the nearest landing strip, just as predicted. Poe didn’t allow himself time to relish his success. He had to get to Finn. He followed the damaged speeder down and parked several feet away, leaving the engine running as he leapt out of the cockpit with his blaster raised.

The bounty hunters had dragged Finn out of the wrecked speeder. Poe shot the man holding him and Finn managed to wriggle free, pausing only briefly to punch the other guy in the face before running toward Poe.

“Into the speeder!” said Poe, returning the shots the hunters were now firing at them.

Finn hopped into the passenger seat and Poe was right behind, throwing the speeder into action before he’d even landed in the seat.

“Are you okay?” he asked, hoping his voice sounded calmer than he felt.

“Yeah. You?” Finn replied shakily.

“Yeah.”

They landed outside the apartment and Poe jumped out onto the landing strip, squinting behind him to check for a pursuit. Yup, there they were, speeding against traffic, causing collisions. Still quite a ways away, but getting closer fast.

“BB-8!” Poe shouted.

The droid poked his head out the door and beeped inquisitively, nervously.

“C’mon, we gotta go,” said Poe. “Into the shuttle, now.”

“Where are we going?” Finn asked, following with only a hint of trepidation.

“Somewhere,” said Poe. “Not here.”

He slammed the button to close the hatch behind them and climbed into the pilot’s seat, turning on the engines as fast as he could. Finn practically fell into the seat beside him and BB-8 rolled up between them.

“Have you got a plan?” Finn asked.

“Nope.”

The shuttle lifted off and Poe steered it straight upwards, away from Coruscant and the bounty hunters who would have to return to their own ship to follow them. His heart was pounding, anxious to get away from here, from the people hunting them. 

“Everybody hang on,” he said.

“Why?” said Finn nervously.

“We’re going to lightspeed.”

“We haven’t left the atmosphere yet!”

“I know.”

Poe could feel Finn staring at him like he’d gone crazy. Maybe he had.

“Okay,” said Finn, obviously terrified but determined not to show it.

Poe was more scared than he’d care to admit, but they had to get away. He took a deep breath to steady himself again, then hit the switch. 


	21. Devil's Sanctuary

Once they were at lightspeed and the coordinates were set, Poe turned on the autopilot and sat back in his chair, sighing heavily.

“So what happens now?” Finn said quietly.

“We run,” said Poe. “We can’t go back to the Resistance yet, not with these bastards on our tail.”

“Where are we running to first?”

“There’s this place I know, it’s a moon in the Mustafar system. I’ve hidden there before during missions, nobody’ll ever look there, but we won’t be able to stay long. Technically its name is just an identification number, but I call it Devil’s Sanctuary.”

“How’d you come up with that name?” Finn asked.

“When we get there, you’ll see it’s pretty fitting,” said Poe. “It’s completely uninhabitable, there’s practically no oxygen, so we won’t even be able to leave the ship. Pretty much, it’s hell. But it’s safe.”

They were interrupted by a quiet beeping on the control panel, telling them they were reaching their destination. Poe turned off the autopilot and took the controls, then brought them out of lightspeed. The ominous burning surface of Mustafar lay before them, but Poe turned the shuttle and flew them down to a small, rocky moon. It was completely barren, just a ball of grey rock, but there was a canyon that was just big enough to park a small ship. He quickly found it and steered the shuttle down into it, parking and shutting off the engine.

“I see what you mean,” said Finn once the shuttle had stopped. “This place is fucking bleak. How’d you even find this?”

“Desperation,” Poe said. “I was on a solo mission a couple years ago in a nearby system. Things went to shit and I had to run for it. I needed to stop to make some repairs before I could get back to base and I found this moon.”

“Well, it works,” said Finn. “I’d never think to look for anyone here. So what do we do now?”

“Plan our next move. Like I said, we shouldn’t stay here for long, or anywhere for that matter. We’re gonna have to keep moving around until we know we’ve lost them.”

“What about the Resistance? Shouldn’t we let them know what happened?”

“Good idea,” said Poe. “The general would want to know why we won’t be coming back when we planned.”

“Plus Rey will worry when we don’t call her tonight,” Finn added.

“Yeah...”

“And then what?”

“We figure out what supplies we’ve got. We kinda left in a hurry, so all we have is the clothes on our backs, a blaster, and whatever we kept on the shuttle,” said Poe.

“Alright,” said Finn. “I can send the message, why don’t you start working on that?”

Poe nodded and got up, going back into the cabin where the storage cabinets were.

“Oh, don’t forget to encrypt the message so the First Order can’t intercept it,” he called back to Finn.

“Right. Okay.”

Poe started going through the cabinets, taking a mental inventory of their supplies. They had a well-stocked medkit (which he sincerely hoped they wouldn’t have to use), a few thin blankets, a gallon of spare fuel for the shuttle (definitely not enough to fill the tank if they got low), and enough food rations to last them three days if they were careful with them. Other than that, it was like Poe had said: just the clothes on their backs and a blaster. Letting out a sigh, he went back to the cockpit and dropped into his seat.

“Well, wherever we go next had better be someplace with shops or we’re gonna starve to death really damn fast,” he said.

“How much food have we got?” Finn asked.

“Three days worth, if we ration it,” said Poe. 

“Wow... yeah, someplace with shops next time.”

Finn pushed the button to send off their message, then sat back in his chair. They were quiet for a little while, finally allowing themselves to process the situation. It had all happened so fast, they hadn’t had a chance to think about it. Less than an hour ago, they had been lying in their apartment on Coruscant without a care in the world. And now they were on the run with barely enough supplies to survive on, hiding in a canyon on a desolate moon. 

“You look exhausted,” Finn said suddenly.

Poe snapped out of his thoughts and looked up at Finn but said nothing.

“Why don’t you get some sleep?” Finn continued. “BB-8 and I’ll keep watch, make sure no one’s coming.”

“You sure?” Poe said.

He really was tired now he thought of it, but he didn’t want to abandon Finn.

“Yeah, of course. Can’t have my pilot falling asleep at the wheel, can I?” Finn said with an attempt at a playful grin.

Poe smiled halfheartedly back and stood up.

“Okay,” he said. “Just don’t let me sleep for too long. You should rest too.”

“I’ll wake you up in a couple hours, okay?”

Poe nodded and bent down to give Finn a kiss, then went back into the cabin. There was a cot built into the wall on the shuttle, which he knew from experience was cramped and uncomfortable. He grabbed one of the blankets he’d found and climbed into the cot, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling.

“Shit,” he groaned suddenly.

“What? Is something wrong?” Finn asked.

“My meds are back on Coruscant,” said Poe. “This outta be a fun nap.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Poe sighed wearily.

“I dunno... I....” he hesitated, struck by an idea that he was now nervous to bring up. “Um... can you sing?”

“I dunno, maybe,” said Finn. “I only kinda know one song.”

“That’s okay,” said Poe. “Only if you’re comfortable with it, though. It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s fine,” said Finn. “I wanna help.”

He cleared his throat and paused a moment, recalling the song to memory, before starting to sing. His voice was shaky and uncertain, not hitting all the notes and stumbling over the lyrics, but Poe recognized it immediately. He had often sung this song at Finn’s bedside after he was wounded on the Starkiller base. It was the song he had been singing when Finn woke up. 

Poe swallowed back a lump in his throat and pulled the blanket closer around him, letting the familiar words of the old Yavin lullaby wash over him. Music had always comforted him, this song in particular. His mother used to sing it to him as a child when he’d crawl into his parents’ bed after a bad dream. Looking back now, he realized that his life had always been peppered with nightmares, even when he was a little kid. At first, the dreams were nothing but a childish fear that the fierce jungle storms would wash their house away. 

He was only eight when his life gave him the first fuel for real nightmares: the death of his father. To this day, his mother had never told him the full story of how his father died. All he knew was that there wasn’t even a body left to bury. So his sleeping brain had invented dozens of deaths, all of them shockingly violent for such a young mind, and forced him to relive these deaths over and over. And every night, his mother would come into his room to hold him and sing this song through her own tears.

Those nightmares plagued him for years, until he was seventeen and a new subject came along. This time, it was the death of a friend, and he knew more or less what had happened. He hadn’t seen his friend for a few years, not since he left to be trained by Luke Skywalker. He didn’t know the details of what happened when Kylo Ren killed all those young Jedi, but as usual, his imagination could fill in the gaps when he slept.

He lost the comforting lilt of his mother’s voice and that Yavin lullaby when he left home to join the Republic fleet, and soon after that the Resistance. The things he saw, the people he lost, all became fuel for the nightmares he then had to face alone. And then there was Finn. He still had months of torment to suffer from his time of imprisonment with the First Order, tortured by Kylo Ren, before Finn was finally with him at night to console him. Now he thought about it, it was a miracle he’d made it through all these years of nightmares with only a song and a pair of loving arms to protect him, that he’d lasted so long before it finally broke him.

Poe shook away these thoughts and pushed all his focus onto Finn, who was singing more confidently now, though still imperfect. The point of asking Finn to sing for him had been to keep away the nightmares, not to remind him of every nightmare he’d ever had. He closed his eyes and focused on the words, singing along in his head. Finn had a sweet voice, low and soft, soothing. The perfect voice for a lullaby. The song ended all too soon, filling the shuttle with a heavy silence.

“Thank you,” Poe murmured, his eyes still closed.

There was the sound of movement, then he felt Finn’s presence close to him just before he leaned down to give Poe’s forehead a gentle kiss. A little smile flitted across Poe’s face and he rolled over, reaching blindly to grab Finn’s hand, barely catching it.

“Stay close to me,” he whispered.

“Okay. I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lil sidenote- since i have been informed that poe's mother died when he was eight, but i had already had her in the story alive when i learned this, i decided to swap that part of his childhood and have it be his father who died when he was eight. just a little alteration to the universe i guess. anyway.


	22. I'm Yours

Poe woke up with a start and immediately hit his head on the low hanging ceiling of the bunk.

“Shit!” he yelped before he could stop himself.

On the floor next to the cot, still clasping Poe’s hand, Finn jolted awake and blinked around groggily for the source of the outburst.

“What happened? What’s going on?” he said.

“I hit my head,” said Poe. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t have fallen asleep,” said Finn.

He sat up straight and stretched his neck, grimacing slightly. Poe propped himself up on his elbow and frowned. He wasn’t sure what had woken him. His sleep had been miraculously dreamless, and at first glance, all seemed perfectly normal in the shuttle. Then he noticed what was missing.

“BB-8?!” he called.

In his panic, he forgot about the low ceiling and hit his head again. He bit back another curse and clambered off the cot, looking around for the droid. Then he froze. That wasn’t what had woken him. There was no way he could have known in his sleep that BB-8 wasn’t in the cabin. Then he heard an alarm beeping in the cockpit. 

“Poe, is something wrong?” Finn asked.

“I sure as hell hope not.”

Poe hurried into the cockpit and scanned the control panel to see which alarm was going off. When he found it, his heart dropped like a stone.

“Shit.”

He flew back into the cabin, throwing open cabinets, searching for a toolbox.

“Poe, what’s going on?” Finn asked, now on his feet and looking worried.

“We’ve got damage to the hull,” said Poe. “Must’ve gotten scorched from going to lightspeed while in the atmosphere. It’s starting to leak into the shuttle.”

“What?! How’re we supposed to fix that?!”

“I’m going out there.”

“ _What?!_ ” Finn practically shouted. “Are you out of your mind? You said yourself there’s no oxygen! You’ll _die_!”

“I didn’t say there’s _no_ oxygen, I said there’s _practically_ no oxygen.”

“Is there a difference?”

“Not really. But it doesn’t matter ‘cause I’ve got this.”

Poe pulled out an oxygen mask, then froze, staring at the damaged life support panel in dismay.

“Shit.”

“You’re not going out there.”

“I’ll just have to do this really fast...”

“Poe!”

“If I don’t go out there, the shuttle’s gonna lose oxygen and we’ll _both_ die,” said Poe. “Please, Finn, I have to do this.”

Finn bit his lip, looking distressed.

“Okay,” he said at last. “But please, if you start to lose oxygen, come in. If we’re gonna die, I want to do it by your side.”

“And Rey says _I’m_ melodramatic,” said Poe with a fond smile. “Man the airlock for me?”

Finn nodded, then pulled Poe into a desperate kiss. 

“Be careful,” he said when they broke apart.

“I will.”

Poe put on the oxygen mask and picked up the toolbox, then gave Finn a thumbs up. Finn opened the airlock and Poe stepped into the first chamber. The door slid shut behind him, the next door opened, and he stepped out onto the moon’s surface. 

It was bitingly cold and the gravity felt stronger than on most planets. Both of these things were sure to work against him in his attempts to fix the breach quickly. Fighting back the urge to shiver, Poe started circling the shuttle, searching for the damage. He rounded the corner to the other side of the ship and found BB-8 already trying to patch up a small hole in the metal.

“There you are, I was worried,” Poe said, going to join the droid. 

_The alarm went off so I came out to fix it,_ BB-8 said. 

“Thanks, buddy. I’ve got some more tools, we’ll get this thing fixed in no time.”

They were lucky the breach was so small, because the tools they had wouldn’t have been nearly enough to fix anything bigger. Poe’s hands shook with cold as he bolted on the patch, wishing he had thought to put a glove on his real hand. If they even had any spare gloves.

Finally, they managed to cover the hole and made their way back to the airlock. The air being filtered through his oxygen mask was getting thin and he couldn’t stop himself from shivering now. He pushed the button to alert Finn to open the airlock and waited. A second later, the door slid open. BB-8 rolled in ahead of him and Poe staggered in behind, feeling lightheaded. The door closed behind him and the door into the shuttle opened. Poe stepped inside and ripped off the mask, gasping in the fresh air so hard he started coughing. Finn was at his side in an instant.

“Poe! Are you okay? Shit, you’re freezing. Come on, sit down.”

Finn forced him down onto a crate and darted off, coming back a moment later with all three blankets. Poe had managed to stop coughing and catch his breath a little, but he was still shivering violently. Finn draped the blankets over Poe’s shoulders and sat on the crate next to him, wrapping his arms around him to help warm him up.

“T-thanks,” Poe mumbled through chattering teeth.

“Please don’t do anything like that again,” said Finn.

“If it means not suffocating and freezing to death, I’ll do it every day.”

“You’re an idiot.”

But Finn said it lovingly and followed it up with a kiss on the cheek. Poe pulled the blankets tighter around himself and buried his face in Finn’s chest, trying to warm it up but only managing to feel like he was suffocating again. Scowling, he sat back up.

“My face is cold,” he complained.

Finn smiled and kissed his forehead and both cheeks. Poe’s scowl melted to a bit of a smirk.

“My nose is cold.”

Finn gave him a look that clearly said “I know what you’re doing, punk”, but kissed his nose anyway.

“My lips are cold?” Poe said as endearingly as he could muster.

“You’re a little weasel,” Finn said fondly, leaning in.

“Like you need convincing,” Poe shot back.

And then they were kissing. It started out gentle, sweet and chaste kisses that were almost shy, then built to something more passionate and desperate, more like that second night in Coruscant when they were both drunk, carefree for once in their lives, barely holding back. And then they stopped holding back altogether. Finn was practically in Poe’s lap, their bodies pressed so close it was hard to distinguish whose limbs were whose. All the cold had left Poe’s body – he felt so warm, full of life, needing more than anything to have Finn’s lips on him, not just on his lips but anywhere Finn would put them.

A breathy moan escaped him and he held Finn tighter, one arm around his back, the other hand gripping his thigh. Suddenly, Finn broke away and Poe followed his lips desperately, trying to pull him back in.

“I want you,” Finn gasped, out of breath.

“You have me, I’m yours,” said Poe. 

“No, I mean...”

Poe opened his eyes and stared at him, suddenly understanding.

“Oh.”

“Sex,” said Finn awkwardly. “I want it. With you. Obviously. If you... if you want to, of course. I probably just ruined the moment, didn’t I?”

“Not at all.”

Poe was still staring at him, his heart hammering with anticipation.

“So?” Finn asked.

He looked so nervous and beautiful all at once.

“I told you,” Poe said. “I’m yours.”

Finn smiled and dove back in, kissing Poe so hard he saw stars. Poe tossed the blankets aside and took off his jacket, never breaking contact. Finn’s hands slipped under his shirt, his fingertips slightly cold on his chest, and together they pulled the shirt over his head. They stopped kissing for a moment, Finn sitting back to admire Poe, to run his hand down Poe’s arm to where flesh became metal and let his fingers dance over the scars. 

And then they were kissing again and somehow they ended up on the floor, the cold metal sending a chill down Poe’s back. Finn was on top of him, straddling him, but this time Poe didn’t have to hide how turned on he was.

“You gonna fuck me with your clothes on?” he mumbled against Finn’s lips, his hands trying to sneak their way under Finn’s clothes, to find skin.

“Right, sorry.”

Finn sat up and shed his jacket and shirt, then climbed off of Poe entirely to remove his pants. Poe’s breath caught in his chest and suddenly he was nervous, though he wasn’t quite sure why. He fumbled to undo his belt and pull off his own pants, never once taking his eyes off Finn. He tossed his pants aside just in time for Finn to descend on him again, kissing him once before making his way down his jaw and stopping to kiss his neck with an open mouth. Poe’s eyes fluttered shut and he moaned, his hands sliding down Finn’s back to grip his ass. Finn hummed against his neck and pulled away to look at Poe.

“We haven’t got any lube, do we?” he said.

“We’ll make do,” said Poe.

Careful not to jostle Finn from his lap, he reached up behind him to the corner where the medkit sat and pulled it over, digging through the contents until he found some sort of gel stuff that didn’t really seem to have much use that he could tell.

“This should work.”

“Good.”

Finn took it from him and unscrewed the cap, looking rather nervous.

“Have you ever done this before?” Poe asked.

“No, but I’ve gotta start sometime,” said Finn. “You?”

“Yeah, I’ve... yeah.”

Finn paused and looked at him, an eyebrow raised. 

“You’ve done this a lot, haven’t you?”

Poe blushed.

“Not a _lot_ , but...well.... okay, kinda, quite a few times.”

“It’s okay, I’m not jealous or anything,” Finn assured him. “I just... I hope I do okay, since this is my first time...”

“You’ll do fine,” said Poe. “I love you, Finn. I want you.”

Finn smiled and leaned down to kiss him.

“I love you too,” he said. “You’ll tell me if I mess up?”

“Finn...”

“I mean it!”

“Yes, I will,” Poe sighed in exasperated fondness. “Now please, in the name of all that is holy, fuck me senseless before I go crazy.”

Finn laughed and kissed him again before sitting back and squirting some of the makeshift lube onto his fingers. Poe spread his legs for him and nodded encouragingly. Finn hesitated a moment, then tentatively pushed one finger inside him. 

“Is that okay?”

Poe nodded, his heart in his throat. He needed more, now. As if he had read Poe’s mind, Finn added a second finger and moved them around. Poe groaned softly, practically a whimper, wanting Finn so badly it hurt.

“Still okay?” 

“Yes... Finn, I need you, I-”

His sentence was cut off by a disappointed sigh as Finn pulled his fingers out. He looked over to see him slicking himself up.

“Are you ready?” Finn asked.

“Yes,” Poe breathed. “Please.”

He smiled, seeing how nervous Finn looked, and readjusted himself so he was at an easier angle for him. Finn smiled back, then lined himself up and slowly sank into him. Poe exhaled in blissful relief as the tension of anticipation dissipated and Finn filled him up. He reached out for Finn and pulled him closer, needing to touch him, have him near as their bodies became one. 

Finn’s thrusts were slow at first, hesitant, as though he were afraid of hurting Poe if he moved too much. But gradually he gained confidence and speed, coaxed on by Poe’s breathless encouragement. Poe wrapped his legs around Finn’s waist, dragging him deeper. 

Finn shifted, thrusting in at a new angle that sent shivers up his spine. Poe bit his lip to hold back a groan. He knew how noisy he could be in bed and was a little self-conscious about it, but his feeble attempt at control was quickly thrown out the window as a moan escaped him that made Finn smile so brightly, Poe wondered why he’d ever been embarrassed at all.

At last they both finished, seconds after each other, and Finn pulled out before collapsing onto Poe’s chest, his body still trembling from his orgasm. 

“Wow,” Poe said breathlessly, his mind reeling too much to say anything more profound.

“Was it okay?” Finn asked.

“Okay? It was more than okay. It was... damn, Finn.... I haven’t got words...”

“So it was good?”

“It was freaking fantastic.”

Finn lifted his head to smile at him and Poe grinned back. 

“Really?” Finn said.

“Really.”

They lay there quietly for a while, still coming down from their highs, Poe gently rubbing Finn’s back. 

“Hey Poe,” Finn said suddenly.

“Hmm?”

“That warmed you back up pretty well, didn’t it?”

Poe laughed.

“Yes it did.”


	23. Journey to Naboo

Several hours later, Poe and Finn were sitting in the cockpit fully dressed once again, eating a pitifully small meal and flicking through a directory to find a safe planet to restock their supplies.

“I’m thinking Naboo,” said Poe. “It’s small, peaceful, loyal to the Republic. We’ll be able to buy more food and supplies, refuel the ship, maybe rent a room for a few nights so we can sleep in a real bed...”

“And maybe do a little bit more in a real bed too,” Finn said suggestively, nudging Poe’s stomach with the foot he had propped up in his lap.

_Only if I can be farther away next time_ , BB-8 beeped, the screen on the control panel translating for Finn. _Or shut off._

Poe and Finn laughed. They had completely forgotten about BB-8 in the heat of the moment, and the poor droid had hidden in the cockpit in mortification.

“Sorry about that, buddy,” Poe said. “It won’t happen again.”

_You mean it this time?_ BB-8 said.

“This time?” Finn echoed, looking like he was trying really hard not to laugh. “How many times have you forgotten to let BB-8 out of the room before having sex?”

Poe was blushing so much his cheeks felt like they were on fire.

“Uh.... this makes four,” he said.

Finn burst out laughing and Poe buried his face in his hands, though truthfully he couldn’t help laughing at himself too.

“I’m sorry, Poe, I just-” Finn said, out of breath. “Poor BB-8.”

_Tell me about it_ , said BB-8.

“I am a horrible person,” said Poe melodramatically. “I should just never have sex again.”

“Sooooo Naboo, huh?” said Finn, quickly changing the subject, but still grinning with barely concealed laughter. “What’s on Naboo? Besides real beds that we can totally have lots and lots of sex in.”

“Oh lord, I’ve created a sex addict,” Poe teased. Now it was Finn’s turn to blush. “Naboo’s pretty unique. I’ve only been there once, but it’s a beautiful planet. I wish we could have more time there. You’d love the lakes.”

“Maybe we can go there again someday,” said Finn. “When we’re not being chased by bounty hunters who want to take us to the First Order.”

“Take _you_ to the First Order,” Poe corrected grimly. “They just left me back there in the apartment once they grabbed you. Bit stupid of them really, they should’ve shot me if they didn’t want me going after them...”

“But why just me? You’re the best pilot in the Resistance, surely you’d be valuable to them.”

“You broke through their programming, Finn. You’re a traitor in their eyes. Of course they wanna drag you back.”

“To punish me...”

“Yeah,” Poe said. “I mean, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind getting me too, but you’re the one they really want.”

“I guess that’s kinda obvious, now you mention it,” said Finn. “I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before.”

“You were a bit preoccupied.”

“Just a bit.”

They smiled at each other, though there was a hint of sadness in their eyes. Neither would dare say it out loud, but they both knew that there was a chance they wouldn’t make it to Naboo. And if they did, there was a chance that they wouldn’t make it to the next place after that. But they couldn’t say that, not out loud. Because then it might come true.

 

They took turns sleeping so they wouldn’t be exhausted on the flight to Naboo. Poe woke up from a nightmare after only an hour and a half. Sighing in resignation, he got off the cot and went into the cockpit, where Finn was staring intently at the sky out the viewport. He turned away as Poe sat down and frowned.

“You okay?”

“Nightmare,” Poe muttered. “I’m not gonna be able to get back to sleep, so we might as well head out.”

“You sure you’re not too tired?” Finn asked, taking his hand.

“I’ll be fine. I’ve flown for hours under actual sleep deprivation, this’ll be nothing.”

“Okay.”

Finn leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. Poe turned to him with an appreciative smile, then switched on the engine. The controls lit up and the shuttle came to life, ready to fly. He punched in the coordinates for Naboo, then lifted the shuttle out of the canyon and into the air. Once they were safely out of the moon’s atmosphere, he made the jump to lightspeed, turned on autopilot, and leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Finn asked.

Poe took a deep breath and exhaled heavily before answering.

“Not really,” he said. “I thought I was gonna be okay, y’know? Back on Coruscant... everything was looking up. I still had nightmares, but they were irregular, and I could still sleep through the night even when I had them. We were safe, happy... but now we’re on the run and I.... oh never mind, it’s nothing...”

“No, go on, tell me,” said Finn, taking his hand again. “I can tell it’s not nothing. What’s wrong?”

Poe sighed and opened his eyes, turning to look at him.

“I... I’m scared, Finn. I’m scared that I’m gonna relapse and spiral back to how I was before, that I’ll... I’m scared it’ll get so bad I’ll try to hurt myself again.”

“That’s not gonna happen,” Finn said firmly. “We’re not gonna let it get that bad again.”

“How can you know that?” said Poe. “It’s unpredictable, this thing that’s wrong with me...it’s not like a wound, where you can keep it from getting infected by putting the right medicines on it. It’s in my brain all the time, just waiting for the next thing to tip me over the edge...”

“Maybe I can’t make any promises, but I swear I’m gonna do everything I can to make sure you don’t have to suffer like that again,” said Finn. “I never want you to have to feel like your only way out is to die ever again.”

“Thanks, Finn.”

“Of course. I love you, Poe. I want you to be okay.”

“I love you too.”

 

Two hours passed quietly before the console beeped to let them know they were coming up on Naboo. Poe turned off autopilot and brought them out of lightspeed, checking out the window and on all the scanners that they weren’t followed before steering them down through the planet’s atmosphere. As they approached the capitol, Poe sent a landing request to the public hangar. It was quickly accepted and he flew down and landed the shuttle.

“Well, here we are,” he said, shutting off the engines.

He stood up and led the way out of the cockpit, stopping just a moment to tuck his blaster into the holster at his side before opening the hatch and stepping out into the hangar. A short man came over to them with a datapad.

“Name?” the man said.

“Poe... Antilles,” said Poe, spouting off the first name that came to mind that wouldn’t cause suspicion. 

“What class is your ship?”

“YL-2200, highly modified.”

The man gave the shuttle a once-over.

“I can see that. I can usually spot a Y-series ship from a mile away, but this baby’s one of a kind,” he said. “You did a good job on her.”

“Thanks,” said Poe.

“How many passengers?” the man asked, returning his focus to the datapad.

“Just the two of us and my droid.”

“Cargo?”

“We have no cargo.”

The man looked slightly surprised, but marked it off on the datapad without question.

“Will you need refueling?” he continued.

“Yes, definitely,” said Poe. 

“Alright, just pay here and you’re good to go,” said the man, passing him the datapad.

Poe transferred the credits and handed back the datapad.

“Thank you, sir,” he said.

“No problem. Welcome to Naboo,” said the man.

Poe took Finn’s hand and beckoned to BB-8, then led the way out of the hangar. It was early evening, and the clear sky glowed orange as the sun began to set behind the hills.

“So, you’re Poe Antilles now?” Finn said, nudging him in the ribs.

“I didn’t think I should use my real name, in case anyone starts asking questions,” said Poe. “It was the first thing that came to mind.”

“Let me guess, you totally idolized Wedge Antilles growing up.”

“Oh, I thought he was cool, but General Organa’s the one I idolized.”

Finn grinned.

“And now you’re working for her,” he said. “That must be a dream come true.”

“Definitely,” said Poe. “Though I knew her as a kid too. My parents fought in the Rebel Alliance with her and Captain Solo, so our families would visit every once in a while.”

“There’s still so much I don’t know about you,” said Finn, smiling at him with such loving admiration that Poe was certain he could fly if he tried. “And I want to know all of it.”

“We’ll have to work on that,” said Poe, smiling back at him. “How about we start over dinner?”

“Good idea, I’m starving,” Finn said.

They found a little tavern in the center of town and ordered the cheapest things on the menu. And then Poe started telling Finn about his childhood, about playing in the jungle on the edge of the settlement he grew up in, swimming naked in the river, and climbing into his parents’ bed at night during the fierce storms that had scared him more than anything when he was little. He told him about his parents, how he’d followed in his mother’s footsteps by becoming an X-wing pilot, how his father had taught him binary so he could understand their family’s droids. 

“Your father died when you were little, right?” Finn said.

“Yeah... he was off-world doing some sort of work for the New Republic,” said Poe, picking idly at the frayed corner of his napkin. “I was only eight when it happened, so I was too young to really... I don’t know how he died. My mom didn’t tell me back then because I was just a little kid, but then... I guess the grief never really faded enough for her to talk about it. He’s been dead over twenty years and I still don’t know what happened to him.”

Finn reached across the table and took his hand.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up...”

“No, it’s fine,” said Poe. “You wanted to know more about me. That’s an important part.”

“Did you ever ask your mom what happened?” Finn said.

“I wanted to,” said Poe. “I still want to. But... I dunno, I guess I just want her to tell me when she’s ready.”

 

Night had fallen by the time they finished their meal and left the tavern. They asked the server where they might rent a room for the night, then followed her directions to an inn a few blocks away. They asked for a room on the ground floor so BB-8 wouldn’t have to climb the stairs, then Poe paid and they went to their room.

“Are you gonna have enough money for all this?” Finn asked as the door closed behind them.

“I hope so,” said Poe. “We’re gonna have to settle for the cheapest rations we can buy though, or else we’ll be resorting to thievery later on.”

He knelt down to plug BB-8 into the charger provided by the inn. 

“Get some rest, buddy.”

_Good night, Poe_ , BB-8 beeped sleepily. 

Poe stood up and went over to Finn, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“So... we’ve got a real bed,” he said. “Wasn’t there something you wanted to do when we got a real bed? Something to do with lots of sex?”

“You read my mind, Poe Dameron,” said Finn, grinning.

Poe smirked playfully, then leaned in to kiss him, dragging them down onto the bed.


	24. The Queen

Poe woke up the next morning just as the sun began to peek over the rooftops. His dreams had been far from peaceful, but he had been exhausted enough to sleep through the night. He yawned and turned his head. Finn was still asleep next to him, a faint smile on his lips. At least one of them was having nice dreams.

Poe slipped quietly out from under the covers and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He turned to the mirror and frowned at his reflection. He hadn’t shaved since that last morning in Coruscant and the shadow of a beard was starting to grow. He opened up the cabinet and found a box of disposable razors and a bottle of shaving cream. He had just started shaving when the bathroom door opened and Finn shuffled in sleepily.

“Hey,” he said, stifling a yawn.

“Hey,” said Poe. “Sleep well?”

“Very. You?”

“More or less.”

Finn came over and hugged him from behind, watching Poe shave as though it was the most fascinating activity in the world.

“Decided not to let it grow out, I take it.”

“There’s still a chance that’ll happen. Who knows when I’ll next find a decent razor,” said Poe.

He rinsed off the razor and set it on the edge of the sink, then leaned back into Finn’s embrace. 

“I’m gonna take a shower,” he said. “Care to join me?”

“I’d love to.”

 

After they finished showering and rather grudgingly got dressed in the only clothes they had, Poe unplugged BB-8 and they all went back to the tavern for breakfast. Once they finished eating, they wandered the city until they found a market. Finn grabbed a basket and they started filling it up. When they had enough food to last them several weeks, they went up to the counter and Poe paid for it all.

“It’s a good thing this inn is so cheap or we’d be broke before we even leave Naboo,” said Poe as they carried their purchases to the hangar to load them onto the ship.

The rations storage still looked a bit sparse once they’d packed away all their food, but the ship had been built to carry three months’ worth of rations and they’d only gotten enough for three weeks. 

“Hey, maybe we’ll be lucky and get to go home before we even need to get more food,” said Finn.

“I hope so,” said Poe.

He took Finn’s hand and they left the ship with BB-8 right behind. They had just stepped off the ramp when they were suddenly surrounded by armed guards.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Poe muttered.

“What did we do?” said Finn anxiously.

“I think we’re about to find out.”

One of the guards stepped forward and Poe and Finn both put their hands up.

“You are both under arrest for suspected smuggling and burglary,” he said, taking out two pairs of handcuffs. 

“Well, that’s not what I was expecting,” said Poe.

“What _did_ you expect?” Finn asked.

“No idea.”

“Turn around and get on your knees with your hands behind your backs,” the guard said.

“Y’know, usually I take a bit more romancing,” Poe joked.

“Poe, for the love of-”

“Do as I said. Now,” the guard said.

Poe and Finn exchanged a look, then followed the man’s orders. He cuffed their hands behind their backs, then ordered two of the others to search them. One of the guards took Poe’s blaster, but neither of them had anything else. 

“Get them up and follow me. And make sure that droid comes too,” the head guard said.

Poe and Finn were dragged to their feet and led out of the hangar. 

_Why do they think we’re smugglers?_ BB-8 asked.

“I dunno, buddy,” said Poe. 

He frowned. He knew where the Naboo prison was and they weren’t being taken to it. Unless he was very much mistaken, they were being led toward the palace.

“Um, excuse me?” he said. “Where are you taking us?”

“The Queen requested an audience with you,” the head guard replied.

Poe and Finn looked at each other, both surprised and a little panicked.

“Sir, all due respect, but I think you might be confusing us with someone else,” Poe said. “We’re really not that important, just a couple of travelers, I don’t understand why the queen would-”

“The Queen ordered us to bring you two before her.”

“How does the queen even know about us? We just got here, we’re not infamous smugglers or anything, why would she-”

“Sir, permission to shut him up,” the guard leading Poe sighed wearily.

“Young man, I suggest you hold your tongue in the presence of the Queen,” the head guard said.

“What, don’t I get a chance to defend myself?” Poe said.

“Good grief...” Finn muttered.

“Young man-”

“I don’t know who you think we are, but I swear on my father’s grave, we are not them.”

“Poe, I love you, but please shut the hell up before you get yourself _actually_ arrested,” Finn said.

Poe scowled but stopped talking. 

“Thank you,” one of the guards said.

“Seriously?!” Poe exclaimed.

“Poe!” 

“Fine, I’m shutting up...”

The rest of the march to the palace took place in uneventful silence. Poe was fully aware that he’d probably gotten himself (and by extension, Finn) in more trouble than they already were, but at the same time, this situation was so absurd he felt justified in making a scene. Just as long as this wasn’t all a ruse to turn them over to the bounty hunters. He started mentally kicking himself the second that possibility crossed his mind. But no, this was Naboo. They may not get involved in wars but they hated the First Order. There was no way the Queen would turn two Resistance fighters over to them.

At last they reached the palace and were led to the throne room. A young girl, probably only fifteen, sat on the throne, her face painted with elaborate makeup. The guards led Poe and Finn to the base of the dais and made them kneel, though there was nothing rough about it. 

“Thank you for bringing these men to me,” the Queen said, soundly unusually regal for a teenager. “Now, will one of you explain to me what your purpose is in Naboo?”

Poe and Finn exchanged a glance. This definitely sounded like the smuggler story was an excuse to arrest them. Finn nodded and Poe lifted his head to face the Queen.

“We’re refugees, your highness,” he said, deciding that at least partial honesty would get them out of this safely. “We came here to hide from bounty hunters that want to take us to the First Order, and to restock our ship.”

“What interest does the First Order have in you?” the Queen asked.

“We were New Republic soldiers. The Order wanted to recruit us and we turned them down,” Poe lied. “Of course, nobody turns down the First Order and gets away with it, so now they’re after us.”

Poe thought he saw a hint of a smirk flash across the Queen’s stoic face.

“You are not a very good liar, soldier,” she said. “Please tell me the truth. I do not believe that lying is in your best interests.”

Poe sighed.

“Not all of it was a lie, your highness,” he said. “We _are_ hiding from the First Order. But we’re not from the New Republic’s army. We’re with the Resistance. We were on leave on Coruscant when the bounty hunters attacked us and we were forced to flee. We don’t wish to bring war to your planet by being here, your highness. We just needed someplace to rest and get food and fuel for our ship.”

“I am unable to take an official stance on the work of the Resistance,” the Queen said. “But we do have a common enemy in the First Order. And I am not one to turn a blind eye on the plight of refugees. What are your names?”

“Poe Dameron, ma’am.”

“Finn.”

“Just Finn?” the Queen said curiously.

“It’s a long story, your highness,” said Finn.

“Well, Mister Dameron, Finn,” the Queen said. “I would like to lend you some aid. I cannot offer much, and I am afraid you won’t be able to stay in Naboo long, but I hope what I can give you will be enough to help you until you can get back to your people.”

“Thank you, your highness,” said Poe.

“What supplies do you have?”

“A full tank of fuel on our ship, about three weeks worth of rations, the clothes on our backs, and a blaster.”

“Naboo does not have many weapons, but we can give you a few more blasters,” the Queen said. “We can also provide you with some more clothes. You may be traveling a long time and no doubt you will find yourselves in places too cold for what you have.”

“Thank you, your highness,” Poe and Finn said in unison.

“Captain, if you could remove their restraints. There is no need for them anymore.”

The head guard came over and uncuffed them, then fell back in line with the other guards.

“Do you have a place to stay tonight?” the Queen asked.

“Yes, your highness,” Finn said.

“Good. I will have my men bring the supplies to your ship tomorrow morning. And then I am afraid you will have to leave. I cannot risk the First Order discovering that I housed and lent aid to Resistance refugees. I will not bring war upon my people because of an act of kindness.”

“Of course, your highness,” said Poe. “We don’t want to drag you into this war. We’ll leave first thing tomorrow, I promise.”


	25. Mos Eisley

The next morning, Poe, Finn, and BB-8 returned to the hangar to take their leave of Naboo. Poe had snuck a razor and the bottle of shaving cream into his jacket pocket on the way out, and they stopped by the market to buy themselves some fruit for breakfast. Both of them knew it might be a while before they got to eat fresh fruit again. The captain of the Queen’s guard met them at the hangar, accompanied by a two others who carried a small chest between them.

“Thanks again for all this,” said Poe, shaking the captain’s hand. “And sorry I was such a pain yesterday.”

“Think nothing of it,” the captain said. “You thought you were being wrongfully arrested, it’s only natural you’d be a bit miffed.”

Poe laughed.

“Well, that’s one way of putting it.”

“Tell your queen thank you again from us,” said Finn. “We really appreciate her help.”

“Of course,” said the guard. “And between us... the Queen may not be allowed to take a stance on the Resistance, but I strongly believe I speak for many on Naboo by wishing both of you and all your people the best of luck.”

“Thank you, sir,” said Finn.

“Thank you,” said Poe.

They turned and took the chest from the other two guards, then started up the ramp of the shuttle.

“Oh, and Mister Dameron?” the captain said.

Poe turned back around.

“Do be careful with that smart mouth of yours. It might get you into real trouble some day.”

Poe smiled.

“I know,” he said. “But thanks for warning me anyway.”

The captain gave them a little salute, then turned to his men and beckoned them away. Poe and Finn loaded the chest onto the ship and closed the hatch. They went into the cockpit and got in their seats.

“Where to next?” Finn asked.

“Somewhere without politics,” said Poe, starting the engines.

“Does such a place exist?” said Finn.

“Uninhabited moons, mostly,” Poe replied. “And a lot of the Outer Rim...”

“Fantastic,” said Finn sarcastically. “This is gonna be real fun.”

 

***

 

The next few weeks were just as Finn sarcastically predicted. They hopped from one moon to the next, often only venturing out of the shuttle for a little fresh air and to bathe in a nearby lake or river if there was one. They were very glad of the clothes the Queen had given them, as many of the places they found themselves were cold and stormy. They were even more grateful for each other; through perpetual exhaustion, fear of capture, and the usual mess that came with being Poe and Finn, each others’ company was one of the only comforts they had left.

Eventually, their rations started to grow thin and they knew they’d have to pick a semi-civilized planet to go and restock. Poe decided it was probably best to avoid anyplace where law-abiding, First-Order-fearing civilians might report them. Which was what led them to Tatooine, and the worst space port in the galaxy: Mos Eisley.

“I hate this place,” Poe muttered as he landed the ship and shut off the engine.

“Then why are we here?” Finn asked.

“It’s got cheap hangar rentals, nobody will care if we have to steal food ‘cause everybody else is already doing it, and everybody here’s a criminal so no one’s gonna turn us in.”

“Fair enough.”

“Just stick close,” said Poe. “Especially you, BB-8. I don’t want you getting kidnapped while I’ve got my back turned.”

BB-8 bleeped anxiously and rolled a little closer to Poe’s feet. They each tucked a blaster into their belts, then stepped off the ship. Once Poe paid for the landing bay, they walked out of the hangar and into the blazing sun.

“Shit. You just had to pick the hottest space port in the galaxy,” said Finn.

“Two suns,” Poe said. “Tends to make things extra hot.”

“Let’s just get what we need and go find a nice forest moon or something,” Finn suggested. “Something with shade. And a normal number of suns.”

“I like that plan.”

They walked the streets until they finally found a market and went inside, sighing in relief as they took shelter from the heat. They had been wandering among the crates and stalls of food for a little while and had managed to find a few things when Finn suddenly grabbed Poe’s arm, his grip vice-like.

“Shit. Shit shit shit,” he hissed.

“Finn, what’s-”

“They’re here.”

Finn jerked his head in the direction of the door. Poe looked over and his heart skipped a beat. It was the bounty hunters. Immediately, he started scanning the market for another exit, his hand creeping down toward his blaster. 

“Damn it...” he muttered. “That’s the only way out.”

“We’re screwed,” Finn said.

“Well, I say we try and make our way out casually and if they notice us, we run like hell.”

“And if running doesn’t work?”

“We’ve got blasters, remember?”

“And if blasters don’t work?”

“Then... well, I guess then we’re screwed.”

“Okay. Let’s do this.”

“BB-8, stay close.”

They started for the door, walking as casually as possible and looking anywhere but at the bounty hunters. Poe’s hand hovered over the handle of his blaster and his whole body was tense, poised to take off running at a moment’s notice. They were nearly out the door when one of the hunters turned.

“Hey you!” he shouted.

Poe and Finn immediately burst into action. They ran and didn’t stop until they were several blocks away, then darted into an alley to catch their breath.

“Did we lose ‘em?” Poe panted.

“I think so,” said Finn. “For now at least.”

“BB-8, you doing okay? BB-8?”

Poe glanced around the alley, a whole new layer of panic falling onto him as he realized the droid was nowhere to be found.

“Shit. No no no no, this can’t be happening. I have to go back out there, I’ve gotta find him.”

“Poe, wait!”

But Poe was already back in the street, searching desperately. And as he expected, Finn was right behind him.

“Poe, please slow down,” Finn begged. “We’re gonna run right back into their hands, just stop a minute.”

“And what if they’ve got him, huh? I can’t just let them take him!” Poe said.

“You are damn lucky that I would follow you to the gates of hell,” said Finn.

“Hey, freeze!” a voice behind them shouted.

They both whipped around. The bounty hunters had found them. Poe drew his blaster and fired two shots, missing both times, then grabbed Finn and started to run. They barely made it ten feet when Finn suddenly cried out. Poe skidded to a halt in panic. Finn was clutching his shoulder, grimacing in pain.

“Finn! Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine, let’s move!” Finn said.

Poe turned back around and ran straight into one of the bounty hunters. He was huge, probably a foot taller than Poe, with biceps the size of his head. The man knocked the blaster from Poe’s hand as easily as brushing away a fly. 

“Shit.”

Poe went to run the other way but the man grabbed him from behind. The other two bounty hunters had converged on Finn, who was fighting them off as best he could with his injured shoulder. Poe tried to squirm free of the massive man’s grip, finally managing to get at a good angle to kick him in the knee. The man grunted in pain and his grip loosened just enough for Poe to break free. The man grabbed for him again, but Poe was ready this time. He ducked and punched the man in the stomach with his metal hand, then used the distraction to dive for his blaster. 

He snatched the blaster up out of the sand and rolled onto his back, firing a shot at the man. It grazed his side, barely slowing him down as he came after Poe again. Poe fired again, but the man grabbed his arm and sent the shot flying past its mark. He dragged Poe up by the arm and pulled back to make a swing. His fist collided hard with Poe’s head and everything went black.


	26. The Man Behind The Mask

The first thing Poe was aware of when he came to was that his head felt like it had been split open. The second was that he was bound to a horribly familiar chair, one he’d had nightmares about for months after he’d last been strapped to it. He opened his eyes. He was in a dimly lit room made of dark, highly polished metal, and he knew immediately that he was on board the _Finalizer_. His heart started hammering with fear and dread. What had happened to Finn and BB-8? Were they safe? Or were they on board too, locked up somewhere same as him? Desperation set in and he struggled in vain against his restraints, trying to somehow twist his hands free of the cuffs that held them down.

“You know perfectly well it’s no use struggling.”

Poe jumped and turned his head toward the voice. Kylo Ren stood in the shadows, watching him. Poe wondered how long he had been standing there, waiting for him to wake up. Ren walked slowly forward and stopped in front of Poe.

“We’ve gotta stop meeting like this. People will talk,” Poe said.

He had no idea why he was making jokes. It wasn’t like Ren was going to laugh, and Poe certainly wasn’t in a joking mood. He was terrified and strapped to a chair and starting to wonder if maybe running his mouth was some sort of boneheaded coping mechanism he’d developed.

“You’re a hard man to find, Poe Dameron,” Kylo Ren said. “I hired the best bounty hunters in the galaxy. Not many people could evade them for as long as you did.”

“Maybe next time you shouldn’t hire a bunch of thugs to do your dirty work,” said Poe.

“There won’t be a next time. Not for you, anyway,” said Ren.

He lifted his hand and Poe knew what was going to happen a second before it did. A dull, throbbing pain swept over him as a dark presence crawled into his mind. He set his jaw and glared at Ren, determined not to give him whatever he was looking for. But he didn’t seem to be searching for anything in particular, just trying to cause pain.

“Take off the mask,” Poe said suddenly, his voice commanding despite the throbbing in his head.

Ren slowly lowered his hand and the pain faded out, leaving Poe panting.

“Take it off, you bastard,” he said. “Let me see what kind of monster you are.”

“You will not like what you see,” said Ren.

“I don’t care. Take off the mask.”

Ren took a step back and lifted his hands. Poe held his breath as Ren slowly removed the helmet and set it on the floor. Poe blinked. Kylo Ren wasn’t a monster at all. He was merely a man. Barely younger than Poe himself, handsome despite the jagged scar that ran diagonally across his face, and strangely familiar. There was something about those big sad eyes, that hair, the shadow of a smirk on his lips. Poe’s heart plummeted as recognition sank in.

“Ben?”

“I said you wouldn’t like what you saw,” said Ren, a hint of anger flashing in his eyes at the sound of his old name.

“You’re Kylo Ren?” Poe said in disbelief, his voice barely above a whisper. “But... Ben... you were dead. Ren killed you when he killed all the other apprentices...”

“That much is true,” said Ren. “I destroyed Ben Solo to become Kylo Ren, to become strong and powerful. The boy you knew _is_ dead.”

“But... they said...”

Poe trailed off, utterly shaken, his mind too full of shock and betrayal to form a coherent sentence. Ren laughed softly.

“They let you think Ben Solo was dead, my parents and your mother,” he said. “They didn’t tell you that he was the one who killed those children, that he was actually Kylo Ren.”

“No, they didn’t. They never told me.”

“There are so many things your mother never told you about,” Ren taunted, and Poe could feel him once again sifting through his thoughts. “Your father’s death. Me. All in the name of protecting you from the truth.”

“You tortured me,” Poe said. “Before, when you captured me on Jakku. You knew who I was and you tortured me.”

“Of course I did. You had something I needed.”

“We were friends, Ben.” A tear slipped down Poe’s cheek. “We played together as kids. I-”

He cut himself off, though he knew Ren could see every thought in his head, it didn’t matter what he said aloud. Ren sneered and Poe felt him press deeper into his mind, sending an agonized shudder through his body.

“You’re gonna kill me, aren’t you?” he said.

“Yes,” Ren replied. “But not yet. First you will suffer.”

“Get on with it then.”

Poe curled his hands into fists as Ren dug deeper. He bit the inside of his cheek so hard he drew blood, trying to keep himself from crying out in pain. He could see flashes of faces and memories as Ren rifled through them, flutters of emotions shooting through him momentarily before Ren brushed them aside and replaced them with another. Then suddenly Ren paused and Poe saw Finn – curled up in bed next to him, holding his hand on the hill above base, kissing him while the sun set over Coruscant. The pressure in his head released and Poe gasped, trembling.

“FN-2187. The traitor,” Ren said.

“His name is Finn,” Poe growled.

“You love him.”

Poe didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. Ren already knew.

“You do love him.”

“Please, don’t hurt him,” Poe said, barely containing his desperation. “Do whatever you want to me, just don’t hurt him.”

“You already know he is the reason you’re both here. Begging won’t stop him from being punished,” said Ren. “I was originally going to just torture him, but you’ve given me a better idea.”

“Please...”

“I’m going to make him watch you die,” Ren continued. “He will sit there powerless, forced to watch, while I make you suffer.”

He forced himself back into Poe’s brain and a scene unfolded as Ren went on, showing Poe everything he described.

“I will kill you slowly, intimately, in every way I know you fear. Then finally, when both of you have screamed yourselves hoarse begging me to stop, when your mind is broken and you’re drowning on your own blood, then... I will finally cut you down and leave your lover to stare at your dead body until he begs me to let him join you.”

A final image lingered, forcing Poe to see his own broken and lifeless body sprawled on the floor, eyes wide and empty, a trickle of blood creeping from the corner of his mouth. Forcing him to watch as Finn sobbed and screamed, crying Poe’s name though there was no chance the corpse at his feet could hear him.

Then suddenly he was snapped back to reality, staring at Ben – no, Kylo Ren – with tears streaming down his face, his entire body aching and trembling. 

“Please,” he whispered. “I’m begging you... If there’s even a little bit of humanity left in you, please don’t...”

Ren chuckled.

“Always so brave, and yet you’re so afraid,” he said. “I’ve seen your nightmares, all the things that scare you. Funny how a man praised for his bravery can hide so many fears. But of all the terrible things in the galaxy, the one thing that terrifies you most is losing the ones you love. And that’s the one fear I won’t exploit. Because until just now, you never really thought about what your death would mean to the people who love you. And now I’m going to use that carelessness against you. I’m going to make sure you die knowing just how many hearts you’ve broken and in what ways. The last thing you know in this life will be the grief-stricken cries of the man you love.”

“You’re a monster,” Poe said. “Ben Solo truly is gone.”

“I’m glad you’ve finally accepted it,” said Ren.

Then he turned and picked up his helmet, putting it back on before sweeping out of the room.


	27. Drowning

Poe didn’t know how long he was left alone in that room. Hours passed, maybe even days, without him seeing a single living person. When the door opened again at last, he was almost relieved, except that he knew what was coming now. Two stormtroopers stepped into the cell, undid his restraints, and dragged him to his feet, then handcuffed him. Neither said a word as they led him out of the room and down the corridor. They reached another door that slid open for them and they led him inside.

The first thing Poe saw was Finn, restrained in the same way he had been, but miraculously unhurt as far as he could tell. And then he noticed Kylo Ren standing off to the side, wearing his mask once again, waiting. The stormtroopers led Poe to the center of the room and stopped.

“Bring him to his knees and remove his restraints,” Ren ordered.

The stormtroopers obeyed, shoving Poe roughly to the ground. 

“Now leave us.”

They left and the door slid shut behind them. 

“Poe, what’s going on?” Finn said. 

“Your punishment,” Ren answered.

He came to stand in front of Poe, looming over him. Poe looked up at him, trembling, so terrified that all his instincts for defiance fled.

“Ben, please don’t do this,” he said desperately. “Please. I know there’s some good left in you, there’s gotta be. Please, Ben-”

Ren backhanded him across the face, nearly knocking him over with the impact. Poe didn’t dare look back up again.

“That was a warning,” Ren said, his voice low and threatening. “Do not use that name again. If you do, I will draw out your suffering even longer.”

Slowly, Poe chanced a glance back up at Ren, then turned his gaze to Finn, who was watching with panic and horror. He had clearly worked out what Ren’s punishment for him was going to be. Poe’s eyes stung with tears. This was it. His last few moments to just look at Finn, the last seconds of his life that wouldn’t be complete agony. There were so many things he would never do again, but there was one thing left that he still could.

“I love you,” he said, trying to fit a lifetime worth of saying those words into three syllables.

“Poe...”

Ren lifted his hand, but Poe didn’t take his eyes off Finn. His heart was hammering and he was breathing heavily in anticipation of pain. Finn was struggling against his restraints, trying to get to Poe in vain. And then the first wave hit.

Poe doubled over, gasping in pain. His vision blacked out as Ren tore through his mind, dredging up the worst thoughts and memories he could find, ripping a hole through every thought that might sustain him until all that was left were nightmares. He resurfaced for just long enough to register that he was on all fours before he was plunged back in, barely holding back a scream. Then somehow, distantly, he heard Finn shouting his name. 

“Finn...”

He had to get to him. He focused on Finn’s voice and pushed back against Ren, weakly at first, then stronger, and as he did, Finn’s voice got closer. Then suddenly the world came flooding back and all Poe’s senses were spinning. He could barely make sense of anything, his eyes couldn’t focus and the sounds around him all seemed too loud. Ren stormed forward and dragged him up by the collar of his jacket, then threw him onto his back. 

Poe barely had a moment to reorient himself before Ren lifted his hand again and another wave of pain ripped through him. But this time it wasn’t just in his head, it was his entire body, and now he could hear his own screams and Finn begging Ren to stop. Suddenly, his throat constricted and he couldn’t breath or scream, all he could do was writhe on the floor and try to claw away the invisible hand clamped around his throat. 

Then, just as quickly as it had started, the pressure vanished and he gasped for air, coughing violently. He had just begun to catch his breath again when his lungs just seemed to stop working. He kept gasping in quick, shallow breaths, trying to fill them up. He felt like he was drowning. He managed to get in a few desperate breaths before collapsing into a coughing fit again. But something new was wrong. Very wrong. His coughs sounded wet and he tasted something coppery in his mouth. He rolled onto his side and curled in on himself, clutching his abdomen, as a particularly painful cough racked his body. As he tried to catch his breath again, he saw through his unfocused vision a splattering of blood on the floor in front of him. It took him a moment to realize that the blood had come from him, and he had barely figured this out before he was coughing again, spitting up even more blood, a hot trickle of it running down his chin.

Suddenly, an alarm started blaring, and Ren’s dark presence inside him lifted. Poe was barely aware of Ren sweeping from the room, leaving him gasping on the floor.

“Poe,” Finn said, breathless and hoarse from crying. “Please hold on. Stay with me.”

Poe coughed weakly and lifted his head a little, looking blearily up at Finn.

“I’ll try,” he murmured.

The door opened again and a choked sob escaped him. But even through his fogged and broken mind, he knew those weren’t Ren’s footsteps. 

“Rey?!” Finn exclaimed.

Poe looked up again, blinking hard to clear his vision. This had to be a trick. Rey couldn’t be here, she didn’t know they had been taken, how could she-?

“Shh, come on, we need to get you out of here,” Rey said, waving her hand and unlocking Finn’s restraints.

Someone else was here too, kneeling by Poe’s head, and suddenly he felt a small, warm hand on his shoulder.

“Fuck, he’s in bad shape.”

“Jess?” Poe gasped.

“Yeah, buddy, it’s me,” Jessika said. “Don’t try and talk, okay?”

Then Rey was kneeling in front of him, looking scared.

“Finn, do you think you could carry him?” she asked.

“No no, I’m fine, I’ll be fine,” Poe said, though he doubted it sounded very convincing.

“You are _not_ fine, you’re coughing up blood!” said Finn.

“Okay, I’m not fine, but I can walk.”

“Dear gods above, how can you continue being the most stubborn man alive while literally puking up your insides?!” said Jessika.

“Just help me up,” Poe said.

There were three pairs of hands on him, all dragging him gently to his feet. Once he was upright, he immediately wished he wasn’t. But they had to get out of there, and making Finn carry him would only slow them down. He grabbed Finn’s shoulder to keep himself steady.

“Just keep me standing and get us the hell out,” he said.

He coughed again, spitting up more blood. Finn clung to him as though he might fall over at any moment, which was probably true. 

“Come on, follow me,” Rey said.

They hurried from the room and down the surprisingly deserted corridor. Poe was staggering along in a fog, the only things he was truly aware of were Finn and the continuing pain in his chest. Then suddenly, they were in a hangar and boarding a ship and Finn was lowering him onto a cot.

“Jess, get us out of here!” said Rey.

The engines started and Poe suddenly heard a familiar anxious beeping.

“BB-8?”

“Shh, don’t talk,” Finn said, gripping his hand.

_Is Poe okay? Will he be okay?_ BB-8 bleeped frantically.

“Of course he’ll be okay,” said Rey. “You’ll be okay, right, Poe?”

“Yeah,” Poe mumbled. “I’m spiffy.”

He started coughing again, horribly aware of how much blood was still coming up when he did.

“He needs a doctor,” Finn said. 

“Jess, will we be able to get him back to base in time?” Rey asked.

“No, but I’ve got an idea,” Jess called back from the cockpit.

Poe finally managed to stop coughing and looked up at Finn. His vision had been blurry and unfocused before, but now it was worse, grey around the edges, fading out, spinning.

“Finn...” he whispered hoarsely.

“Shh, it’s okay, Poe, I’m here,” Finn said. “Don’t talk. Just stay with me, okay? We’re gonna get you help, you’re gonna be alright. Just hold on.”

Poe coughed weakly and felt another trickle of blood creep from the corner of his mouth and roll down his cheek. Finn was just a blur now and his voice was distant and echoey, like he was calling to Poe from the end of a tunnel. And then everything went black.


	28. The Long Wait

“Poe? Poe! Come on, don’t do this to me,” Finn said desperately. “Stay with me, baby, please.”

He was choking on his tears, shaking from head to toe with fear.

“Jessika, how close are we?” Rey called, trying and failing to keep her voice from quavering.

“Nearly there,” Jessika shouted back. 

“Come on, Poe,” Finn murmured. “Please hang on. Don’t leave me. Don’t go where I can’t follow. I need you here.”

Suddenly the ship stopped and Finn realized that they had landed. Jessika came back into the cabin.

“I’ve already alerted the authorities that Poe needs immediate medical attention,” she said. “How is he?”

“Unconscious,” Rey replied quietly. “He passed out a few minutes ago.”

“Shit...”

Jessika opened the hatch and a moment later, several medics swarmed onto the ship with a stretcher. Rey grabbed Finn’s arm and gently pulled him away so they could get to Poe.

“No, I can’t leave him!” Finn cried.

He tried to dash forward but Rey held him back.

“Finn, stop, there’s nothing you can do,” she said. “You’ve got to stay back, it’s the only way they can save him.”

Finn nodded and bit his lip, trying in vain to hold back the steady flow of tears. He watched as the medics carefully lifted Poe onto the stretcher, then carted him away. 

“C’mon,” said Jessika. “We should get someone to look at that shoulder, Finn.”

Finn stared at her a moment before remembering that he was wounded, that he’d been shot on Mos Eisley. So much had happened since then, and the pain of watching Poe get tortured far outweighed the pain of a blast wound. He followed Rey and Jessika off the ship in a sort of daze, vaguely aware that he was once again covered in Poe’s blood. They made their way to the medbay, where a doctor cleaned and bandaged Finn’s wound, then sat in the lounge outside and waited. 

“How did you find us?” Finn asked after what felt like an age of silence.

“BB-8,” said Rey. “He sent me a message from your ship saying you and Poe got captured by the First Order.”

“But how did you track down the _Finalizer_?”

“I used the Force. I reached out for the two of you and.... I felt pain. I was scared we would come too late, but we followed it anyway and it led us straight there.”

“It was brilliant,” said Jessika.

“Just in time, too,” said Finn. “A couple seconds later and Poe would’ve been dead.”

They fell silent again for a little while.

“Where are we?” Rey asked.

“Bespin,” Jessika replied. “City in the clouds. Their leader supports the Resistance, he’s an old friend of General Organa’s. I figured it was a safe place, and it was close enough that we could get Poe here in time...”

Finn looked out the window across from them and sighed wearily. This place was truly beautiful. He only wished they were here under different circumstances.

“Should we send a message to the General?” he asked. “Won’t they be expecting you back sooner?”

Rey and Jessika exchanged a look.

“The General doesn’t know we’re here,” Jessika said.

“Well, she probably does by now,” said Rey. “We left a note.”

“You came on a rescue mission without talking to General Organa?” Finn said incredulously.

“BB-8 sent the message directly to me,” said Rey. “I think he knew that if he sent it to anyone in command, there’s be a lot of hoops to jump through before anyone could get to you, no matter how much General Organa wanted to save you. So I talked to Jessika and we snuck off with a ship that night.”

“Holy shit.”

“Stopped by Tatooine to get BB-8 and see if we could pick up a trail, then Rey had her idea about using the Force,” said Jessika. “We really didn’t have much of a plan. When we got on the _Finalizer_ , BB-8 tripped an alarm in the containment unit so we’d have a clear path. Everything else was up to chance.”

“I’m hoping we won’t be in too much trouble when we get back, since we _did_ manage to rescue you guys,” said Rey.

“You might be okay, but I’m bound to get suspended...” said Jessika. “It’s worth it though. I’d gladly let myself get kicked off the fleet altogether if it meant saving even one of your lives.”

“Thank you,” Finn said, a fresh wave of tears welling up in his eyes. “Both of you. I... just thanks.”

Rey took his hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. Just then, a doctor entered the room and they all stood up. She came over to them, her face too stoic for Finn to tell if her news was good or bad.

“He’s stable,” she said, and they all let out a sigh of relief. “He’s still unconscious, but he should pull through.”

“Thank you,” Rey gasped, beaming through her tears. 

“There are a few concerns I should warn you about,” the doctor continued. “Go ahead and take your seats.”

Finn’s moment of elation was already sinking rapidly at the sound of the word ‘concerns’. He sat back down, his heart hammering nervously, clinging to Rey’s hand.

“He’s suffered considerable blood loss,” the doctor explained. “His lungs had filled up with blood, so we had to drain them. Breathing might be painful for him at first, but he should recover smoothly.”

“So what are the concerns?” Jessika asked.

“There is a possibility that whatever happened to him may have caused some brain damage. We can’t tell to what extent he’ll be effected while he’s still unconscious. It could be very minor, barely effecting his normal functioning, but there is also a chance of severe damage.”

Finn felt hollow, like someone had punched a hole through his chest. _Brain damage_. Hadn’t Poe suffered enough without this? 

“We will continue bringing you updates on his progress,” the doctor said, standing up again. 

“When will I get to see him?” Finn asked.

“We’ll let you know.”

Then she left. The room was uncomfortably silent for a few moments.

“Finn?” Rey said softly. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.”

 

Two hours passed before the doctor returned, only to let them know that Poe had woken up and they were doing some tests. Finn was getting fidgety now, nervous and terrified of what results those tests might yield. His imagination was coming up with all sorts of horrible scenarios, making an unbidden list of all the worst ways Poe could have been effected by Ren’s mental tortures. It was another two hours before another doctor came back, at which point Finn felt like he was on the verge of fainting from panic.

“Is he gonna be okay?” he asked, unable to keep the tremor of fear from his voice.

“He should be fine,” said the doctor. “There _is_ some brain damage, but it’s relatively small compared to what it could have been.”

Finn let out a sigh of relief and nearly collapsed onto Rey’s shoulder. The doctor continued.

“It’s hard to tell at this point when he’s still suffering from the physical damage done to him, but there is a possibility he will experience chronic low-level pain for a considerable time, perhaps the rest of his life,” he said. “He also will likely suffer some minor issues with memory and mood regulation. Don’t worry, he doesn’t have amnesia. But there may be a few memories he’ll have trouble recalling, and his short-term memory won’t be what it used to be. As for mood regulation, I believe it will be mostly mood swings and heightened emotional reactions. None of this will be debilitating, but it’s still likely to distress him. You’ll just need to be patient with him.”

“I can do that,” said Finn. 

There was one more thing he needed to know, one question that he knew Poe would want answered more than anything.

“Um, sir?”

“Yes?”

“He’s a pilot, and it’s sort of his life, so I was wondering... will he be able to fly again?”

The doctor smiled.

“Yes,” he said. “I wouldn’t recommend he try for a few weeks while he’s still recovering, but yes, he should be able to fly again.”

For the first time since they’d been captured, Finn smiled.

“Thank you,” he said.

“You should be allowed to come see him soon,” the doctor said. “I’ll come out to get you.”

The doctor left the room and Finn collapsed back in his seat, feeling relieved and utterly exhausted.


	29. Recovery

Poe lay in bed, propped up on a few pillows so he was halfway to sitting, hooked up to about half a dozen machines that were monitoring every vital sign. His entire body ached, the pain made dull by the drugs being pumped into his system through an IV. He was tired and scared of what his life would look like in the aftermath of Ren’s torment, but he was miraculously alive, and the doctors were finally letting him see Finn. 

The door opened and the doctor led Finn inside. Poe looked over at him and smiled weakly. Finn smiled back, his bottom lip trembling as fresh tears welled up, and came over to sit in the chair by Poe’s bed. Neither of them took their eyes off the other as Finn took Poe’s hand and brought it up to his lips, kissing it gently.

“Hey,” Poe said at last, his voice hoarse and feeble.

“Hey,” said Finn. “How are you feeling?”

“Breathing sucks and I’m pretty sure my face is numb from all the drugs they’ve got me on, but I’m alive,” said Poe.

“Yeah. Yeah you are,” said Finn as though he could barely believe it.

“What about you? Are you okay?” Poe asked.

“Now I am.”

Poe smiled at him again, holding Finn’s hand a little tighter.

“Did they tell you about... this stuff?” he asked, giving his temple a little tap with his finger as he said it. 

He didn’t think he could bring himself to say the words ‘brain damage’ out loud. 

“They did,” Finn replied. “Are you... I mean... how’re you taking it?”

Poe shrugged and didn’t say anything for a moment, staring down at their clasped hands as he let his emotions work themselves into words.

“I... I’m scared, Finn,” he said quietly. “I know it’s nothing compared to what it could have been, that I got lucky. But... still, I... I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. Am I gonna be in pain for the rest of my life? Am I gonna snap at people for no reason or start crying out when I was perfectly fine a minute ago? And... they said I may have forgotten things... but I have no way of knowing what I forgot or how much. I’m scared I may have lost something important. I’m scared that I’ll keep forgetting things, special things, important things...”

“It’s okay, Poe,” said Finn. “You’ll have me for whatever you need. I’ll help you remember things when you forget, I’ll comfort you or calm you down or whatever any time you need it. I’ll help you through the nightmares like I always have. You won’t have to do this alone. I’ll be there for you no matter what.”

Poe looked up at him, overwhelmed by gratitude and adoration.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” he said.

“You never had to do a damn thing,” said Finn fondly. “I love you, Poe, and that’s that.”

He leaned down and kissed Poe on the forehead. As he went to straighten back up, Poe reached out and grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him down into a kiss. Poe’s heart ached with longing as their lips met; just hours ago, he had been convinced that he would never get to kiss Finn again. He wanted this to never end. But his lungs were still weak and soon he was out of breath. He broke away and gazed up at Finn, a gentle smile on his lips.

“I love you too, Finn.”

 

***

 

Poe was stuck in bed for a week before the doctors decided he was well enough to leave the medcenter. Finn, Rey, and Jessika had come to visit him every day he was laid up, which made it significantly more bearable, but still he quickly got restless and was thrilled when he was finally allowed to leave his hospital bed. He still wasn’t recovered enough to travel, but it was a relief to be walking around again, leaning on Finn’s arm as they wandered around the city.

Bespin was a beautiful place, one of the few planets Poe had never visited, and Finn wanted to show him all the things he’d seen while Poe was in medical. Poe still had to take it slow, but Finn was more than willing to accommodate. He was so wonderfully patient with him, it made Poe fall even more in love with him, if such a thing was possible.

It was another week before the doctors declared Poe well enough to travel. They had been giving him daily checkups and had prescribed him several medications – to help him sleep, to relieve chronic pain, and for mood regulation – and at last he had been given the all-clear. They could go home. All the preparations were made, the ship refueled, a message sent to General Organa to let her know they were coming. All that was left was to leave.

The evening before their departure, Poe and Finn sat up on a balcony with their feet dangling over the edge. Their bodies were pressed close, fingers tangled together, and Poe’s head rested on Finn’s shoulder.

“It feels kinda strange to be going back. Doesn’t it?” Finn said quietly.

“Yeah, I suppose it does,” said Poe. “I looked forward to going back for so long, but now that it’s happening... I’m scared.”

“How come?”

“Lots of reasons. Mostly... I feel like I’m not gonna be very useful for a while. I may be okay to travel, but I’ve still got a lot of recovering to do.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to be useful all the time, Poe,” said Finn. “What else?”

“I’m worried people might treat me differently. Everybody’s gonna know what happened to me,” said Poe. “I don’t want them walking on eggshells, acting like I’m gonna break...”

“They won’t,” Finn assured him. “And if they do, I’ll punch them in the face.”

Poe laughed softly, then grew somber again.

“I’m also... I’m nervous to see the general again.”

He couldn’t see Finn’s face, but he could picture perfectly the confused frown he was giving him.

“Why’s that?” Finn asked. “You’re not scared she’s gonna kick you out or anything?”

“No, it’s not that, not at all,” said Poe.

“What is it then?” Finn said when he didn’t elaborate.

Poe didn’t answer right away.

“I... I learned something when we were on the _Finalizer_ ,” he said at last. “Something that changed everything... I... I convinced Kylo Ren to take off his mask...”

He felt Finn go suddenly tense.

“Your family was friends with General Organa’s,” Finn murmured. “Of course. You knew him.”

Poe sat up and stared at him.

“You knew?” he said. “You knew Ren was the general’s son?”

Finn nodded sadly.

“I kinda managed to piece it together after Starkiller, then Rey confirmed it,” he said. “I was there when he... when Han Solo was killed. His father. When you first told me you knew their family as a kid, I didn’t even think of the fact that you’d know him too. It never crossed my mind. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not your fault,” said Poe. “I just... I feel like I’m the only one who didn’t know.”

“Why wouldn’t General Organa tell you?” Finn said.

“I don’t know... to protect me, maybe,” said Poe. 

“From what?”

“Heartbreak? I don’t know.” Poe sighed heavily and stared out over the city. “I spent fifteen years thinking Ben Solo was dead, only to discover that he was alive after all and is the reason for all my nightmares. If she was trying to save me from a broken heart.... she failed.”


	30. There's Always A Future

They left Bespin the next morning. Rey and Jessika were in the cockpit, the pleasant sounds of their chatter and laughter drifting back to the cabin where Poe and Finn cuddled on the cot, watching BB-8 amuse himself by rolling with the motions of the ship. Eventually Poe drifted off to sleep with his head in Finn’s lap and didn’t wake until Finn gave his shoulder a gentle shake and kissed his cheek.

“Hey, sleepy head,” Finn said as Poe blinked blearily up at him. “We’re almost home.”

Poe pushed himself up and rubbed his eyes.

“How long was I asleep?” he asked.

“About three hours.”

Just then, Jessika came in from the cockpit.

“Hey guys, we’re about five minutes out,” she said. “By the way, I asked General Organa to make sure this doesn’t end up being some big homecoming. I figured you guys wouldn’t want a crowd.”

“Thanks Jess, I appreciate it,” said Poe.

“Yeah,” said Finn. “Thanks.”

A few minutes later, they had touched down at the Resistance base. Rey opened the hatch and they disembarked. As Jessika had promised, General Organa had kept away any crowds that might have formed for their return. In fact, besides the general herself, the only person there was Luke Skywalker. The others went forward eagerly to greet them, but Poe hung back, watching General Organa with a sad ache in his chest. He looked up to her too much for his trust in her to truly be broken, but all the same, that hint of betrayal was just strong enough to hurt. Suddenly Finn was next to him, grabbing his hand.

“You alright?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” said Poe. 

Finn smiled at him and pulled him along until they stood in front of the general.

“Commander Dameron,” she said with a warm smile. “It’s good to have you back.”

“Thanks, General Organa,” said Poe. “I’m glad to be back.”

“Rey told me what happened. How are you?”

“I’m... I’m okay,” Poe said. He hesitated a moment. “Um... General, can I talk to you about something? Privately?”

“Of course,” said General Organa.

She beckoned him to follow and started to lead him inside. Finn went to let go of Poe’s hand but he held it tighter. He wanted Finn with him for this. He needed him there. He wasn’t sure he could have this conversation alone. General Organa led them to her study and closed the door. 

“What is it, Poe? Is something wrong?” she asked.

Poe didn’t answer right away. He stared at the ground, trying to find the words, trying to fight back the lump in his throat. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he said at last. “About Ben?”

There was silence. Poe looked up to see General Organa staring at him with the most heartbreaking expression.

“I never wanted you to find out like this,” she said. 

“Then why didn’t you tell me the truth from the beginning?” Poe said.

He wasn’t angry. All he wanted was answers. 

“I should have,” said General Organa. “None of us should have kept it from you. I think we all forgot that you weren’t a child anymore. Your mother and I knew how much you cared about him. We didn’t want to hurt you any more than was necessary. I’m sorry.”

Poe nodded and the tears finally began to fall. General Organa stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. Poe froze, surprised, before returning the embrace.

“I forgive you,” he whispered. 

“Thank you. I truly am sorry.”

Poe nodded again and swallowed hard.

“I loved him,” he confessed, his voice so quiet it was barely a breath.

General Organa held him a little tighter.

“I know.”

 

That night, Poe and Finn returned at last to their old room. It felt strange being back there after so long. Someone had gotten them a new bed, a bigger one that could more comfortably fit both of them. It took up a lot more of the small room than the old one had, but they were both grateful. After weeks sharing the tiny, cramped cot on the shuttle, it would feel good to be able to stretch out.

Poe was sitting on the bed waiting when Finn came back from the shower. He watched quietly as Finn removed his towel and got dressed for bed, his thoughts still miles away. Finn came and joined him on the bed.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” said Poe. “Look, I’m sorry for earlier. For dragging you in there when I went to talk to the general. It wasn’t fair of me...”

“It’s fine,” said Finn, frowning a little in confusion. “What’s there to be sorry for?”

“What I said about... how I felt about Ben back then... it wasn’t fair to say that in front of you.”

“Poe, that’s... it doesn’t make a difference to me who you used to love,” Finn said. “You’ve got a past. Everyone does. That was fifteen years ago. And I know you love me now. I’ve got nothing to be jealous about or anything like that.”

Poe gave him a grateful little smile.

“Still, it had to be weird discovering your boyfriend used to have a crush on the guy who’s trying to kill us all,” he said.

“Yeah, I’m not gonna pretend I wasn’t surprised,” Finn said.

Poe leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. 

“Let’s go to sleep,” he said. “I already took my meds so if I try and stay awake much longer I’m just gonna pass out right here.”

Finn chuckled and reciprocated the kiss.

“Alright.”

They climbed under the covers and Finn reached over to turn off the lamp. Poe cuddled up close to him, one arm draped over Finn’s waist, and closed his eyes.

“Good night, Finn,” he murmured.

“Good night.”

 

***

 

Several slow and quiet days passed. With so little to do while he continued recovering, Poe found himself in a strange limbo between exhausted and restless. The sleeping pills they had given him made him groggy in the morning and the painkillers made him groggy during the day. But tired as he was, he needed to keep himself occupied, so he ended up spending most of his time tinkering with anything he could get his hands on – his X-wing, Jessika’s X-wing, BB-8’s motivator, a few of the Resistance’s patrol speeders. He spent hours in the workshop fixing and modifying while Finn sat and watched, chatting and occasionally passing Poe tools. 

About a week and a half had gone by like this since they returned to the Resistance base. It was an afternoon just like all the rest before it. Poe sat crosslegged on the floor working on a speeder engine, his fourth mug of caf that day getting cold next to him. Finn was perched on the table, absentmindedly disassembling a broken old communicator as the two of them chatted casually.

Poe had gradually been getting less engaged in the conversation over the last few minutes, his responses turning to noncommittal grunts and nods rather than actual words. The amount of caffeine he’d consumed was getting to him again, making his hands shaky and giving him a jittery, anxious feeling in his stomach. He scowled at the engine and tightened his grip on the screwdriver, determined not to let this get the best of him today. But it was too late and he knew it.

“Poe?”

He jumped and looked up at the sound of his name. Finn was watching him with a concerned frown.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You’ve been spacing out for like a minute.”

“Shit...”

Poe clenched his jaw and turned away, then threw the screwdriver aside and buried his face in his hands. A moment later, he sensed Finn by his side and felt a warm, gentle hand on his back.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“No no, it’s okay,” said Finn. “Take as long as you need, then you can tell me what’s wrong.”

Poe nodded and took a few deep breaths, then emerged from behind his hands.

“Sorry this keeps happening,” he said.

“It’s not your fault,” Finn assured him. “Are you ready to tell me about it?”

“Yeah...” Poe paused a moment before continuing. “I dunno really what it is, I guess it’s just... everything piling up again. I’m tired all the time so I drink caf all day but the caffeine’s making me jittery which just makes these meltdowns and outbursts even worse. And I don’t think those mood regulating meds are doing shit.”

“Maybe you should cut back on the caf...”

“I know, I just don’t want to be tired.”

Finn sighed.

“I know, but if it’s making the meltdowns worse, it might be worth it.”

“You’re right, of course,” Poe said resignedly. “But the meds still aren’t doing shit.”

“They can’t stop it entirely,” said Finn.

“Yeah, but they should be doing _something_. It’s worse than I’ve let on, Finn,” Poe admitted. “That glass I broke yesterday? That wasn’t an accident, I threw it. I’ve held stuff in for hours until you were in the shower or something and then I’ll have a good cry and be fine when you get back. I’m barely in control, Finn. I’m a mess.”

“Maybe a little bit. But you’re _my_ mess,” said Finn. “And I’m gonna help you through this. We can talk to Doctor Farrol about getting your medication changed, I’m sure he can find you something that’ll actually work. We’ll figure this out, okay?”

He wrapped his arm around Poe and kissed his cheek. Poe leaned into him and rested his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes. They stayed like this for a while before Poe once again broke the silence.

“There’s more to it than that,” he said. “There’s something else that’s been bothering me.”

“What is it?” Finn asked.

“With how screwed up I am, I... I don’t know how much good I’m gonna be able to do for the Resistance.”

“You’re the best fighter pilot in the galaxy, you’re gonna do a world of good,” said Finn.

“Am I though?” Poe said, sitting up to look at him. “Am I still the best pilot in the Resistance? I may never even sit behind the controls of a ship again, let alone fly my X-wing into battle.”

“Nobody told you,” said Finn with a strange look.

“The list of things people don’t tell me is staggeringly long.”

“The doctor in Bespin... I asked if you’d still be able to fly after all this and he said you would. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.”

Poe stared at him, hardly daring to believe it. He had assumed he’d be grounded indefinitely, though he was far from accepting it. This sounded too good to be true.

“Really?” he said. “I can still fly? I can stay on the fleet?”

“Yeah. I mean, you’ve gotta finish recovering and probably pass some tests first, but yeah,” said Finn. “You _will_ fly again, Poe.”

A swell of relief washed over him, and with it came the closest thing to happiness that he’d felt since Ren’s tortures. The feeling was so overwhelming that he laughed, breathless and giddy, smiling tearfully. Finn smiled back at him, and it was clear how happy it made him to see Poe like this, like the weight of the universe had just been lifted off his back by those four little words. Poe threw his arms around Finn’s neck and kissed him, then buried his face in his shoulder and burst into tears – the first tears he had ever shed out of pure joy.

 

the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a huge thank you to everyone who has read this fic and left wonderful comments and kudos (there's over 200 now, can you believe it)! i couldn't have done it without your support and encouragement. i hope you've all enjoyed reading this as much as i've enjoyed writing it. thanks again :)


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